My Once Upon A Time Journey
Just Me and My Life... My other blog is: fattoribookfan.blogspot.com
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
Friday, January 19, 2018
Remembering...My Boy... My Angel... Anthony
I was so happy to find out we were having him. Then within months after he was born, we saw the first signs that something might not be right. He wasn't focusing. He couldn't hold his head up very well. My husband was training in the Navy as a Hospital Corpsman, and then he trained to work in Ophthalmology. This was one of many moments where God had our lives in hand, even if we didn't know it at the time. I had just turned twenty-years-old, we moved to San Diego, California for his first duty station, and Tony got the chance to work with some of the best eye doctors in the country. He mentioned what we noticed about Anthony's development. He was suspicious and we took him in to get checked. This is when they discovered that Anthony had Glaucoma, which is almost always linked to brain issues when presented in children. This got a very sticky and created a snowball effect that we could not have believed would happen if you had told us.
Our perfect, precious baby boy was about to live a three year, and a nine-months nightmare that forced us to face just one of many horrors that would happen to us in our young lives. Anthony, only fully diagnosed after his death, was suffering from Muscle/Eye/Brain disease, an extraordinarily rare form of Muscular Dystrophy. He had an underdeveloped brain in his pons, cerebellum, and white matter. He had Glaucoma, extremely low muscle tone, his eyes stopped developing in the womb making him blind to the point that they thought "maybe" he could see lights and shadows. He was also deaf in the way that he could hear, but they suspected that his sound signals got mixed up in his brain. So we don't know what or how he could hear. Later we found out that he was missing a lobe of his lung and the other was deformed. On top of everything, he had grand mal and petit mal seizures. We almost lost him seven times to grand mal seizures with respiratory failure. He eventually could not eat and needed a feeding tube and lost what little muscle and brain matter he had. We worked tirelessly with the Louisa May Alcott School in San Diego, and then with the local special ed school in Landover, Maryland. We worked diligently with physical and occupational therapy and tried so hard to understand what was happening to him.

We had to learn that God had a different plan for him, for us. We had to learn to trust God in a new way, and we had to decide where our faith would lie and whether we believed God's promises. And I can tell you that those challenges were tried many more times since then. We lost two of our daughters to the same thing that Anthony had. We also faced a lot of judgment. The family especially turned on us and felt that we brought this on ourselves by having them. But when you pray, trust God, and search your heart over and over, until the desire to have that child is overwhelming... what else do you do?

Anthony was, and is a light in my life. He is a treasured memory. He is my boy. He is my angel, when he was alive and now that he is waiting for me in heaven, still being a big brother to his siblings. He will NEVER be a regret. I look forward to the day we will be reunited. We were sealed as a family ten days before he died and I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for that blessing. He waited to give his baby sister Tia her second birthday. That is the kind of boy he was. What a grateful mom I am. I have been blessed to give birth to some of the finest people I have ever known.
For anyone who has never had a child, cared for someone (disabled), or lost a child... NEVER try to tell me that my faith failed me. Don't ever try to tell me that my God is my imaginary friend. Don't you ever try to tell me that I'm ignorant for believing in God, or an afterlife? You DO NOT have that right. This is my right to believe what I will. It is my decisions, and my right to believe in and to believe God and his promises. I CANNOT and WOULD NOT survive the tragedies that I have been through without my faith and beliefs.

If you have read this... "Thank you." If you are judging me harshly... I feel sorry for you and that is because I believe that we learn from each other, if we listen with an open mind. It is hard not to judge... I get that. I struggle with that myself. My hope, and "my" prayer is that this blog reaches someone. I hope it helps someone. I hope that I can teach and encourage anyone who needs it.
I love you, Anthony. Thank you for letting me be your mommy. Thank you for loving Tia the way only you could. Thank you for making me a better person, in every way. You are my love and my life and though you have been gone, for longer than I can imagine, you are never far from my thoughts. Thank you for being mine. I love you. I miss you. I treasure you and all that you taught me. I treasure all the memories that continue to make me strong and very, very happy.
Rest in Peace, my love.
- Mommy
Monday, November 27, 2017
A Giggle For A Monday
I absolutely love, The Farside. It is still one of my most favorite comic series. There is so much seriousness in this life that we have to find ways to laugh. This strip has gotten me through a ton of tough times. I just wanted to share a giggle. Have a great week guys.
https://www.google.com/search?q=Far+Side+comics&safe=active&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi8ksKQgeDXAhUQ72MKHSvKAIUQ_AUICigB#imgrc=QkyfwR38esO7sM:
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Another Big Loss for Our Family
Our pets are special spirits here on earth and no matter how little or how much time we get with them we are blessed. Vladimir was special even among dogs. However, being a giant breed comes with some difficulties. Most are healthy and strong, but we learned, quite suddenly, that they can develop structural heart problems. His arteries began to dilate, while his veins weakened. His heart began to enlarge and he developed Cardiomyopathy. Ironically, I have the same condition. He simply began to get weak. He was losing balance and then stopped walking all together (over just a couple of days). He simply could not get up. We took him to the vet and then to the Emergency Hospital. I thank God for those wonderful people who devote their time to these wonderful spirits. They took such good care of him, and it was all simply out of our hands. The Cardiologist was out of town, and we had to come to the quick decision about what was best for him. It is easy to be selfish in these cases, but we decided to end his suffering, although the doctor believed he would not make it much longer... even with intervention. Our neighbor and his family were kind enough to bring two of our children, the ones who needed to come (the others finding it too difficult) up to the hospital. He waited for them, as his body was already beginning to fail. Minutes felt like hours. His heart simply could not sustain his huge body. It was another horrible tragedy for our family.
I have to tell you though that even though, like our children, we only had him for four short years, we would not give back that time for anything. He was the dearest, sweetest, drooliest, and most loving creature I have ever had the privilege to love. I thank God that he was ours, and will be waiting for us too one day. We love you Vlad always and forever. Rest in Peace big guy! We miss you so much.
Friday, October 6, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
Do we listen? Do we know?



I have seen good men and women fall. I have seen clever, talented, loving, creative people die inside and give up. I have seen people born into unbelievable circumstances overcome everything to become great... the greatest. I have seen and worn the masks that we all wear. The ones that make it look as if everything okay when inside your anxiety, hurt, anger, shyness, and lack of self-esteem are ripping us apart.




Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)