Loss of a Loved One

Sorrow... man is it hard to live with.  I  recently watched some people I care about grieve... deeply... because of the suicide of a friend of theirs.  I have also had a friend of mine watch her mother suffer, fade and finally die of cancer.  I also... still grieve the loss of my three angels who died before they really had a chance to live.  Why do we all face this suffering?  Why do these things happen to us?  

I have been taught that each of us has a season and a purpose.  I believe that.  I also have heard that we cannot have joy with out sorrow.  That there is opposition in all things.  I believe that that is a truth too, but man... it sucks.  

For example, about the same time that my friend lost her mother, I also got a notification that a friend of mine (who lives in another state) had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  He is the first for this friend and his bride who are not long out of their newlywed phase.  He is glorious.  He is true proof to me of a heaven, because he is an angel.  My point is... we all are born and we all die.  Sorrow is a natural and expected side effect of this process.  When someone is taken too soon, as mine were, and this young man was (due to suicide) it is painful, even more so because you could see their light... their potential.  That is not to say that losing someone (later in age) does not hurt.  My parents are in their seventies and I fear just as much for the day that I get the call that they are gone.  In fact, I am quite terrified of that inevitable moment.

I guess I just want those of you who are facing that moment yourselves, with whomever it may be, by however it has happened... I want you to know that I understand.  I have suffered.  I have had my heart crushed under the weight of sorrow.  I have grieved my lost dreams.  I have sorrowed over their presence in my life.  I long for their presence even now.  You are not alone.

Time helps, but a hole in the heart... will always remain.  There is no thread that can mend it completely.  

So, whatever you are going through, I am sorry.  I am so... so sorry.

And here is my advice.

1. Cry... often, and for as long as you need to.

2. Remember the good times, as much as you can.

3. Realize that (I believe) you will see them again. They are only waiting for you.

4. DO NOT let ANYONE tell you that you need to move on.  You have grieved long enough.  That is bull @&#!%+!  You take however long you need.

5. Never forget how much you loved them and how much they loved you.

Number 6 is just a suggestion, though I have found it works for me.

6. Pray deeply, often and with all your heart... you will receive comfort. I promise.  And if you have not done that before... try.

And last but not least... 7. Take care of yourself. Wake up every morning with a little gratitude in your heart for the fact that you were given another day and try to honor him/her that you lost.  They are rooting for you... just until we too go home to join them.

I know someone said once that time heals all wounds.  I think that time does heal most wounds, and it does take the sting out of it a bit, but one thing it cannot make you do is forget. I guarantee you will never forget that loved one you lost.  I believe God made that nearly impossible. I promise that it will be okay... if you give yourself time to feel, deal, grieve, and one day recover.

However, to do that you have to take care of yourself.  Grief can make you want to stop that, and that is okay... for a while, a little while... just not forever.  One day you will feel the need to decide to wash yourself, brush those parts that need brushing, and dress yourself again.  Just make sure that that is in your own time.  

I want to say though, that if you cannot recover, if you can't let go of the pain, and if you find yourself drowning in sorrow... get some help, please. There is no shame in asking for help.  I have had to.  It took a lot of time, but I am seeing results.  It is finally doing wonders for me.  Now that is not to say that I am completely better, but I am still working, practicing and trying to move forward.  

All you can do is take one day at a time.

Also, I am  not a doctor, I am not a psychologist, but I am just a survivor, who has had to dance with death more times than I would like to admit.  But I am here, and I am still moving forward even if it is one step at a time.  You can do it too.  Just give yourself some time.

Sorrow has a horrible way of making us happy for the good times and sad for the bad, but all of it is survivable.  Just hang in there.  Hold tight to those you love and who love you and do your best.  If to day is not a day for your best, then give what you can, but don't give up. Tomorrow is always a chance to try again.  Hang in there my friends.  This too shall pass.  

Fear

Have you ever been afraid?
Have you ever felt the fear that takes you and won't let go?
The fear I mention is real and undaunted.  It will not let go.  It does not leave you feeling hope or joy.  It leaves you afraid... afraid that someone will see you.  Not physically...though I do worry about the judgement that comes with my physical issues... of which there a few.  I fear that if I try to tell the world my story... no one will listen... no one will care... it won't make a difference... I fear that I will be rejected, mocked, or hurt by the judgments of others.  I fear that my life is worthless.  I fear that I have no purpose.  I fear... I just have so much fear.
There are all kinds of quotes about fear... taken from those who are stronger than me.  All you have to do is go to a google search and type in the word fear (under images or quotes) and you will find more than you thought possible on the subject.  Could that be, because we ALL feel it?
Something to think about.... isn't it?
But why then do we have YouTube?  NO ONE WANTS TO BE FORGOTTEN!  No one.  Not even me.  Everyone has something worth while about them... even if they don't know it themselves, and there is a desire to share it with anyone who will listen.  I just had a thought.  If not for fear... why would people stay in a relationship that is toxic for them?  Could it be fear of being alone? Maybe partly.  I don't assume to know the minds of everyone... I can only speak for myself, and I am fearful.
I've been contemplating doing a vlog for YouTube, but my fear tells me... I will be judged. No one will like me.  No one will listen or watch.  What would be the point?  I'm not good enough.  There is so much fear inside of me that it is keeping me from doing those things that I feel like I should.
I also have other fears... such as being in a crowd, or walking down a dimly lit street at night by myself... who would do that anyway though... really?  I mean really.  I have fear that I will have to live the rest of my life in pain. (truly).  I deal with chronic pain every day.  (Only the level of pain and my tolerance level changes from day to day, but it is always there.)  I am not overly fond of spiders, and I have an irrational fear of the telephone.  Not that it will shock me or something, but that I won't know what to say, or that I will say something stupid... so I avoid it as much as I can.  I guess it is a self esteem issue, which I believe falls under the category of fear.
See there seems to be a million things to be afraid of, but from what I have begun to read and understand, there are a million and one reasons not to let fear rule your life.  There are so many people, much braver than I, who have overcome their fears, and I guess writing this blog is a step in that direction for me, but fear is a powerful emotion, one that has anchored my life into one unfulfilled place.  I grow, but I don't progress sort of thing.  Why?
Why do we do it to ourselves?
I guess to explain...(light bulb moment), and oddly enough... some of my fear of the phone stems from a prank pulled on me by two of the popular boys in school when I was in high school.  They called me pretending to be a woman in need of help, like clothing, sanitary napkins, etc... that were personal in nature.  They then laughed, after quite a few minutes of leading me down this path, and told me who they were.  They thought it was hysterical that I was so concerned for this imaginary person, but it was sad to me.  They thought my kindness and my desire to help someone was something to be joked about and prayed upon.  It crushed me.  I was being made fun of because I was nice.  How stupid is that... right?  But it changed me a little.  It made me less trusting (at a time when that was hard enough as it was). Their little prank taught me that I was foolish and simple, and gullible.  It hurt my feelings.  It hurt who I was.  It is now part of my fear.  It still hurts 20 something years later.  So stupid.  In fact, I even feel a little stupid for sharing that story with you, but there it is.
We all have fears.  We all have reasons for why we do not follow our dreams.  We all have fears that keep us trapped in a life unfulfilled, and honestly... it sucks.
I do not want to live in fear, however it is still a big part of why I am hear.  I am afraid that I won't make a difference... so I do this blog.  It is one little toe into the great ocean of life.  The water (or the atmosphere of life is cold), but I want to keep trying.  Don't they always say that if the water is cold you just have to jump in... you'll get used to it quicker?  Maybe that will be a part of my plan, my goal.... I will try harder just to jump in, maybe I will find my courage somehow.
So... in conclusion... lol...Here is one last quote, or image that I found that I wanted to share with you... whoever you are.  I thought it summed it all up pretty well.

 There is so much truth in this.  The reality is.... we create fear within ourselves.  So I guess it is up to us to try to overcome it.  Have a great day guys, and try to overcome a fear today and do something spectacular... you might even surprise yourself.

  

Sorrow

What do you do when the tears swell and you fear that they may not stop... once they start to fall?

I've been facing that these last few days.  I am so down... so sorrowful... and feeling so incredibly defeated.  Have you ever had to face the reality that things you had hope in... are not to be? Whether that be applied to new friendships, new experiences, nearly accomplished goals that failed, or whatever else has failed you?  There is a sorrow that comes so sweepingly that you might fear that it will overwhelm you and devour your hope and joy all in one wave.  I feel that way.  

Sorrow is such an engulfing emotion, one that makes me feel as though my entire body is giving up.  If you are like me, and you feel deeply, emotions like sadness, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, discouragement can devastate you.  It does me.  I feel as though all of my energy is gone.  I feel as though I want to give up.  I feel as though I've lost hope.  I feel as if I don't know where to go from here.  It is a deep ache, and it wears me out.

I have dealt with depression a lot in my life time.  I also suffer from P.T.S.D.  It is not easy.  I am grateful that I have been diagnosed with traumatic depression (not clinical depression).  The differences being that traumatic depression can be dealt with in therapy. Clinical depression needs not only therapy, but medication.  Either of which you should NEVER be ashamed of.  These are the reactions our bodies have to the things we go through and how we have been made.  It is not something that you can just "snap out of", as some people insist we should be able to do.  That is NEVER the case.  You cannot just decide to snap out of it... It just won't work.  You might be able to rally for a short time, but in the long term... it will return unless you get the help that you need, and I needed help.  I am not ashamed to say it.  I did not even begin to recover and find myself (despite medication for years) until I started to work out my problems with a therapist.  She has helped me tons.

What I want to point out though is... even with therapy... even with medication... I still face sorrow, disappointment, worry, and just plain bad days.  I am having one of those days... well a few of those days.  I am just plain sad.  I don't want to post my issues and who they are with or why they are happening in public.  This is not facebook where people plaster their problems for all the world to read, but I do want to talk about how I feel.  I feel sad. 

Tears are never far from trickling.  My body is reacting to my stress, which is not helping when I already suffer from excruciating, chronic back pain.  My therapist told me this is just one way that some people display their stress.  You may have another physical response, but I know that you understand that whatever your reaction... it drains you.  I am currently drained.

I just wish people came with a warning tag.  It might say something like, "WARNING: I am not who you are looking for.  Keep moving onward. I will only disappoint you and leave you spent."

I wish that, but they just don't come that way.  Sometimes you just have to try... and then deal with the aftermath.  

Some people delve into a bucket of ice cream.  Some people eat to feel better.  Some people will draw, paint, sculpt it out. Some might write about it (like me obviously), or even write poetry about it. Some of us will blast the music to fit our mood, or to try to change it. Some of us will watch a sad movie and cry it out, or listen to music that reflects how we feel, and cry it out.  Sometimes we just want to stay in bed, in the dark, to be left alone for what we hope will be a million years.  That never fixes anything, but expressing our pain helps.  Holding it in only makes us a ticking time bomb.

Sorrow is painful, and wearing.  We ache.  We cry. We get angry. We feel bad about ourselves.  We have a hard time seeing that this will pass.  However, NEVER let anyone tell you that you are wrong for how you feel... unless you assumed something that might not be true... then you are most likely wrong, but you should not let anyone determine how you are going to feel.

More often than not, when we hurt and just need someone to be supportive and compassionate.  That is not to much to ask in my view.

Right now... I am full of sorrow.  I have been disappointed, let down, and rejected.  I am sad, and honestly, despite my logical mind trying to convince me that I am going to be okay... I just want to hermit away and be lost in my sorrow for a few days.  I know I will feel better.  I just don't today.  That is just how it is, and that is okay, because I know it will pass.  

My advice, just take care of yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.  Be forgiving of yourself, and if you need a moment... take it.  If you like to journal... do that.  If you like to get creative... do that.  If you like to putter in the garden... do it.  If you like to cry to a good movie, or melancholic sorts of music... do that.  If you just need a good, long nap... do that.  Just do what you need. It will be okay. I will try to follow my own advice.

  I don't know who said it but, "This too shall pass." I promise.

Just Because...

I love this quote but I struggle with the message... not the message exactly, but in believing its truth.  Trust is hard, but patience is torture.  We all dream, but not all dreams are fulfilled.  There is nothing more difficult than living with regret. I'm only 42 and I already feel like my life is over, or that my chance to succeed has passed. Now logically I look around and see people who are twice my age and older, so realistically I still have time, but it is hard when you work, and work, and practice and do all you can to learn what you need to know and still nothing happens.  It is a frustration that can drive you to all sorts of limits.  

If you do not believe in God, are not sure, or just do not... I won't assume to tell you otherwise... this is just what I have come to believe.  If you decide to keep reading... thanks... I try to be open minded too.

That said, I believe that we have to try to remember that God may not answer our prayers right away, or in the way that we expect or want, but he does answer us.  God always knows better than we do what we need.  He knows if something we want will be for our good or not.  He knows if something will have consequences that we might not be able to see.  It is not to say that that makes the process easier.  Often we cannot see the forest for the trees. That means (by my interpretation) that sometimes if we are too close to the moment and our circumstance, or are too clouded in our judgement by the desire for the thing...to see the full picture.  Maybe we have more to learn... maybe we are not prepared enough yet... maybe we have to practice some more (our talent), or maybe it is just not the right thing for us, despite our strong, torturing desire for it.  Does that mean that we not good enough, smart enough, talented enough...? Not necessarily.  Maybe we are just not ready for whatever blessings can come if we take that path.  Maybe we can't handle the consequences that we can't foresee.  Maybe there is a different, better path that it is meant for us to take.

Have you ever heard of "God's Timing"?  It is when He decides the best timing for an event to happen.  That can be painful.  It is torture really. Patience is waiting... and I hate waiting, but sometimes it's what is best for us.  Even if it sucks.

So... I am 42... I have not realized all of my dreams... but does that mean that I should give up?  I hope not.  Some days I want to, but should I?  My family believes in me.  I have had friends who support my dream and think that I could do it.  That helps, but it is a hard thing to wait for.

So what do you do in the meantime?  I study... I practice... I write... I read... I watch tutorials on how to improve my talent, and I keep trying.  I hope one day I will be ready.  If that day comes... the world will know it, because of my girly screeches echoing from the rooftops.  I dream... I just hope that I don't dream too big.  Is there such a thing? Can you dream too big?  Look at the people around you that have reached their goals, accomplished their dreams, have incredible talents and have been recognized for them... even look at those around you who are still trying.  I hope you find inspiration there.  I will try to do that too, and if you think about it... a little prayer never hurts. Good luck my friends.   

Monster Factory: Draw Cute and Cool Cartoon Monsters Paperback

Okay... so I think you should help out your siblings whenever you can.  My brother illustrated this awesome book (authored by Ernie Harker) called, "Monster Factory: Draw Cute and Cool Cartoon Monsters" paperback!  I am so excited for him.  He is so very talented and has been drawing, doodling and creating since we were children.  It is available on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble, and I am just so happy for him.  So I am obviously... shamelessly... promoting him.  I know him and I know his work, and it will be worth it if you, your kid, or maybe even a kid you know loves to learn to draw.  They will love this.  Thanks for checking it out.  That is all I ask.  So fun.
Go Ken...!

Laughter is the best medicine

  Okay, so my kids crack me up... my daughter (12) was zinging my other daughter (20) when she called her on my husbands phone and when she got her voicemail she said, "Hello, this is Tia... I'm to busy being lazy to answer my phone right now... leave a message after the beep."
She is the kind of kid that sometimes it takes a moment to realize that she has zinged you.  I love my kids, they have such a great sense of humor.  I love listening to them playing together in the other rooms.  They have great laughs too.  They are wonderful to listen to.  They lift my spirits.  I am blessed that my entire family has such a wonderful sense of humor.   We all have it.
Just a funny fact about me is that I especially love British humor.  Keeping Up Appearances, Fawlty Towers, Are you being Served, Dad's Army, The Thin Blue Line, Mr. Bean, The Vicar of Dibley, and Black Adder for example.  For me, it is not what someone says, as much as how they say it.  The Brits are just so dang funny.
My husband is hysterical, though you might not know it to look at him.  He stands as an imposing figure, but really he is so funny.  Isn't that the best way to survive life though?  Humor is the best medicine... and all that.  We have needed it in ours... that is for sure.
I think that was something that won my heart almost immediately when I met my husband.  He made me laugh all the time.  He is also handsome, which doesn't hurt.  He is a major support in my life.  He loves me and enjoys making me laugh and when we have those moments I feel so much closer to him.  Life often throws stones onto your path, but you need to have people around you that make you feel good about yourself, and are willing to help you hurdle those stones.
I love nothing more than having someone around who you don't have to talk to, or entertain just because you are in the same room.  My family is like that, and we just like to be in each other's company.  They never make me feel like I have to be "on".  You know what I mean?  Some people make you feel like you have to smile a little wider, laugh a little more, make you feel nervous, and like if your hair, makeup, style, or profession are just not enough.  I hate that.  I have tried to eliminate those people from my life, which has pretty much left me alone with myself and my family.  Some days that sucks, but honestly, I've sacrificed for friendship in the past, and I still ended up lost and alone.  Deep down I am really okay with that though.  I have my family and ultimately that's what matters most.  I guess this is why I like doing this blog.  I get a chance to be myself and say what I feel without judgement, at least not too much judgement... I hope.
Anyway, do what you love and find ways to laugh... not to say that a good cry does not help sometimes too.  Maybe that is just something that only women do, however, it can be very cathartic in it's own right.  But if you know what just busts you up, makes you smile (even when you don't realize you are smiling), or just lifts you up... do that!
Just a suggestion, look up the Carol Burnette Show on YouTube.  You might be to young to know who she is, but the bits they do are so dang funny.  I especially love the moments when the actors are trying very hard not to laugh, and you can see their struggle.  They do that a lot.  It is too funny.  It just busts me up.
Whatever finds your funny bone... let it be a part of your day.  It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown.  Just saying.  Try to have some fun today. 

Hi. This is me.

  Hi.  This is me.  I am always leery of posting pictures of myself... just because I hate pictures of myself... as I'm sure a lot of people do. However, I am trying to take better care of myself and be okay with... well... me.  So here I am.
  I am a wife and mother.  I am a writer and a dreamer.  I am in my 40's now and not happy about it.  I am creative. I love to learn, though I admit that I am not very good at it, but it does not stop me from trying.  I deal with chronic pain, and I struggle with my self esteem, and my weight... though I am happy to say that I just came from the doctors today and I am happy to report that I lost 12 lbs.  I know it is not much, but it is a start and I will take that.
  I love to read, but it took practice.  I love to write, but that takes practice.  I love word searches, and most of all I love my role as wife and mother.  I am a natural redhead and one of 8 children.  I love a good movie, but sometimes I like the "behind the scenes" featurette's more than the film itself. I am fascinated by the process and I find it inspiring.
  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or (Mormon's) as we are nicknamed.  I was raised in the church, but I always add... that I was converted in my early 20's when my husband joined the church (he was formerly Catholic), and I started to have children.  Children can change your priorities, just by being born. However, I am so grateful for the process I went through to find my faith.  It was a long, hard journey, but one I am grateful to be able to share.
  As a teen I lost myself.  I changed everything about myself (even my laugh) to try to fit in.  It worked, but I had to give up everything I held dear (my values, my dreams, my personality, my everything).  I did not even recognize myself and I was anorexic and suicidal.  Like I said, it was a long and painful process.  I fell away from the church... my family... myself. I lost everything.
  Then I met someone who saw through my facade, my mask, my lies, and fell in love with me for who he saw inside.  My husband Tony.  We met when I was 17, married at 19, and have been together now for almost 25 years.  It is crazy.  So much time has passed and so much has happened to us during that time.  However, now... with a lot of therapy... we are getting better... better than we ever have been.  I am feeling again, learning to live in the now, and not in the past (though I have not forgotten the lessons of the past), and we are learning how to love all over again, in a healthy way with healthy communication.  We needed to learn that... seriously needed to learn that.  We still struggle once in a while, but we are both working very hard.
  Someone once asked me, "How do two people suffering from P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression celebrate Valentines day?"  Strange... kind of random question... but I tried my best to explain.  I don't think that at the time I did a very good job of explaining, because honestly I was not really sure. In fact I'm not really sure what I said, but if I could change my answer, now, I would say that we were just going through the motions. We tried to make it nice.  My husband always did the traditional things... flowers, card, sometimes candy... stuff like that, but it was never what it should have been.  That is something that I realized late in our life though.
  When you both are suffering... all you can do is your best.  We had to learn and be taught what we both needed from each other.  We had to exorcise our ghosts, and sort through our pain.  Luckily, one thing we had going for us was that we always had love, even if it was love seen through smudged, grotty, dirty lenses.  We had love to drive us forward.  When you really, truly love someone, I mean can't live without them love, the kind that makes your life impossible to see without that person love, no matter what you go through kind of love, you can survive just about anything.  My therapist said, "Can you see a future without him?"  I had to admit that I could not.  And that was when I started to heal and work even harder.
  When you live with someone who struggles too, it makes life for both of you difficult.  We used to compete for who had the worst day.  It sucked.  We had to take responsibility for ourselves first. We did not even begin couples therapy until we had some individual sessions first... I mean months worth.  Now we are working together.  It is not easy.  It takes a lot of patience and forgiveness.  It takes a lot of effort, and to be honest some times we have good days and bad days, but we have to keep going... working... and trying to do our best.  It is exhausting, and painful, but I believe that if you really love someone... it is worth it.
Well, that is me.  I just wanted to introduce myself a bit and tell you where I'm at and what I am doing.  I'm not really sure if any of this is making sense, I am kind of writing through a fog of pain medication (my back is out again). But I felt that need to share.  And I had my face done for the doctor's appointment today (I felt like I was kind of presentable) ... is that terrible to admit. Oh well... there it is.

P.S.  If you ever have questions or topics you want me to touch on, just write me or leave a comment. I would really love that.  I would do YouTube, but I'm not sure what I would do.
Well, thanks for your time.  You never really know if what you are posting matters, but I hope it does.  I wish you well.  Until next time... bye.

Great Quote and Story of My Life

  I saw this quote posted by a friend of mine on Facebook and I loved it.  It was a sledgehammer moment.  It truly is the story of my life.  I guess we all have to hit rock bottom before we begin to realize what matters most and what really doesn't.  I had changed all of myself... seriously... all of myself to try to fit in.  I changed the way I looked, starved myself, I compromised the way I dressed, and spoke in turn giving up my values.  I also changed my laugh... yes my laugh.  I behaved in a way that was contradictory to everything that I had been raised to know.  I gave up everything that was important to me and everything that made me who I was, all in the name of fitting in.  I was a lost little girl who got into a lot of trouble.  I did not even recognize myself by the end.  Where did that leave me?  In the end, I was still alone, and forgotten.  I was hurt, and I was confused.  I was dying and I did not know how I was ever going to survive.  That was the moment when I gave up.  I had nothing left of me... I felt worth saving.  It was then that I met my husband.  My white knight.  He loved me for who he saw behind the pain.  Unfortunately, he had a lot of pain and baggage too.  We loved each other deeply and dearly, but we struggled.  Plus we had the challenges that were more trial than joy, but we made it, all the way to therapy, almost 24 years later.  We've done a lot... I mean a lot... of hard work.  We still are, but are getting there.

Our therapist recently told us... last week in fact...  that we should not be here... as a couple.  We should not have survived... together.  Anyone else would have quit.  We have come close.  We have struggled to the point of near breaking.  We have bent to the point of near bursting.  However, we are still here.  We are surviving.  We are still learning.  We are growing.  We have good days and bad days, but we are doing it together.  You know, it is easier to give up, and sometimes you should, there are lots of cases when you should, but it is easier to quit. I am not judging your situation... not for a second.  You know what is best for you in your circumstances. 

Think about it for a moment, does anyone ever want to admit that they screwed up?  It is the hardest thing to do... to analyze yourself, what you are doing wrong, what you are doing right, what you can do better, what mistakes you made, and apologize for them.  Try that... just once.  Try to look at your mistakes, and NOT blame others for the situation you are in.  It is hard.  It is the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I always tried to deflect blame onto someone else.  It wasn't until I took responsibility for my own actions and reactions that I started to grow.  But it is HARD.  

You know the whole butterfly analogy. Well, we all have to go through the transformation.  We have to be real and honest, and ready to do it.  We have to make hard decisions.  We have to remove those things and people in your life that are negative and toxic.  You may have to say goodbye to someone who is not good for you.  You may have to overcome addiction.  You may even have to decide that it is better to be alone rather than do those things, behaviors, whatever that has compromised your values.  You may even have to figure out what values are, or which ones you want to develop.  It all begins with the first step.  You have to be patient with yourself and forgiving of yourself.  You may even have to forgive someone who wronged you.  (I have written about that topic before).  Forgiveness is NEVER for the one you are forgiving... you are letting go of pain and wrongs for yourself.  To free your own soul.  Pain and anger only destroy you.  It is hard.  

You also have to have a little faith in yourself.  You have to try to believe that you are worth it.  You have to give it everything you've got, and give in to the process.  You can do it.  I know you can.  I am still doing it.  But we all can do it.  Just one step at a time, with a little help, a lot of prayer, and time.  You can do it.  Be patient with yourself and don't be afraid to get help... even if you think you can do it on your own.  It does not mean that you are weak or a loser... it means that you are human.  People get training for this...  seriously... 

Don't give up and know that I understand what you are going through... because I am doing it too, and I have to tell you... IT IS WORTH IT!

Holocaust Documentaries

These are two documentaries that I have watched recently on Netflix.  They are amazing stories.  My Aunt and Uncle grew up during the war in Germany, and my mother was born there during that time.  My grandparents left Germany when my mother was nine years old.  I will not begin to speculate on their motives or anything of that manner, but I have always had a fascination with that time in our history.  It was horrific and criminal, but learning about survivors and their stories inspires me. I love to learn about the lives of others. We have so much to learn from each other, if we are willing to listen.  It is shocking to me what people can survive.  We all have something to learn.  I hate, "hate" and I just plain wish it did not exist.  There are so many stupid reason that people hate each other. Underneath it all we are just the same.  If you dissect us... we are all the same.  Why do we get so hung up and mean over our differences such as skin color, appearance, religion, all of that?  I just don't understand it.  Maybe I'm weird that way, but I tend to judge people on how they behave more than what they look like... now I will not say that I am not shocked or do a double take every now and then, but I tend not to leave it at that.  My next thought is usually... I wonder what they are like, and why they made that decision... etc.  Now that is not to say that some people are just plain creepy, or scary... there are those in our society with deprivation, and malice in their hearts.  I think we spot them "mostly" because it is our inner warning to avoid them.
My question is why do we love entertainers who are unique, out there, different, have a special sound, look, or attitude?  Why do we love celebrities who have that something that makes them stand out if it is such a bad thing to be different?  Why do we try so hard to be like everyone else?  We are often so desperate to fit in, and I think that it is because we are terrified of being alone and forgotten.  But does that make it our right to belittle others, persecute others, or make anyone feel bad about who they are?
Maybe that came from me having two special needs children.  When you get to know people who have "different abilities", handicaps, or limitations you kind of have to get over how they look and look at their hearts.  Special needs people are the last group of people to get any sort of respect, or acceptance, and unless you let yourself see into their hearts... you just won't get it.  They are angels on earth.  They are purer and more innocent than any of us, and yet I have heard the sorts of things that people say to them, "the bullies of the world" and often it is unbelievable what comes out of their mouths.  I have seen hatred and intolerance.  I have witnessed ugliness, and to me that is the worst sort of hatred.
 The Holocaust moves me, and it saddens me to my core.  It bewilders me (that it could have happened at all). It was a time in history that I worry we did not learn from.  We are doing nothing to stop the horrors that are happening in this world even today.  Why?  Why?  I don't understand.  Why do we allow anyone to kill in the name of intolerance?  When did this become acceptable? Why is it allowed?
We jump into the mob mentality so easily.  If there is something or someone who is considered "not cool" or is socially mandatory in order for us to fit in we shoot it down.  We make you feel bad and we persecute you.  We have a way of just making your life generally miserable.  Why?
If you think its nuts to be religious... you think it's okay to mock and declare that Jesus is an "imaginary friend".  If you think the only way you can have fun is to be drunk or high, everyone else is stupid, lame, and a loser.  I don't get it.  We waste so much energy hating on so many level and for so many reasons.  I just don't get it. If you want proof of that state anything in support of the unpopular on facebook and watch the claws and horrible, hate filled comments fly.  I have witnessed great... spitting... venomous debates flair up on facebook over the most minor of opinions.  It is crazy to me.  It is as if people lay in wait for the words to be said so they can attack.
WHY DO WE DO IT?
My point of all of this is... life is too short, hate sucks, and there is just too much pain inflicted willingly in the world.  If I think about it too much... well I just can't... it crumbles me inside, but it felt good to make my point.  If you don't agree, or think I am lame... frankly... that is your problem, not mine.  I have a voice and in our country we have defended the freedom of speech that allows me the opportunity (that I am glad and grateful to have) to say what I feel I should.  So if you read this far, "Thank You."  If you think I suck, I'm sorry you feel that way, but thank you never the less.  I do appreciate your time.  I just thought that someone had to start the conversation.  I hope that I did.
Have a great day everyone.

My view on YouTube

Okay... so I have been trying to catch up on all the YouTube channels that my kids watch and I have to be honest.  I was a little leery about their absolute attention to some of those channels.  I have kids who range from 7 to 20.  I have to worry, it is my job, and I have to pry because I believe that is what a good parent does... I think that (at least to a point).  I don't believe in reading diaries... unless you are concerned for their safety.  I'm just putting that out there.  I was one of those kids that if my parents had known more about me they might have been able to help me... but I kept them as in the dark as much as I could.  I have learned better since then though.  I have apologized for my past often... but I never miss the opportunity to do it again, to apologize I mean.
I've been checking these people out... and love a lot of them.  However, I have to say that, I REALLY wish that people did not swear... at least less than they do... I am very impressed with a good majority of YouTubers.  My kids have good taste.  I have even found some that I myself have become hooked on.  There are some crazy talented people out there!
The one thing that I want to celebrate about YouTube is that it has given a voice to so many creative, funny, smart, beautiful, talented, and charismatic people who might have not had a chance to live their dreams any other way.  YA YOU!!  Seriously...  It has given nerds, geeks, all cultures, all races, all of us the ability to find our voice.  How exciting is that?  I know that not everyone gets to the heights that they dream of, but you have a voice and an opportunity to express yourself, share your talent, share your view, and for some of you, share your support for each other.  I have heard from a lot of the tubers that I love do segments related to support for us as a public to feel confident, follow your dreams, don't let anyone say you are not good enough, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't... whatever that is to you.  I love that.  We have bullies in the world.  We have haters and trolls in the world.  We have others who quite simply... live to shoot others down because it makes them feel better about themselves.  I hate that.  I have been bullied, and I have to say that NO ONE deserves that.  NO ONE!  It does not have to be part of growing up... like some people who have obviously never been bullied... say.  It is not okay.  It is not fair. It is not acceptable.  YouTube is giving those kids a chance to prove those people wrong... because they are!
Now, here's the rub... for as many great YouTubers out there... who really do great things, inspiring things, fun things, fascinating, and creative things... there are a lot of dopes, perverts, idiots, etc... too.  I HATE things that are vulgar, pervie, and full of swearing.  It makes me sad.  I will also say right now that I AM NOT A PRUDE!  I adore British humor that has PLENTY of language, naughty jokes... etc, and I absolutely love it!  I shouldn't, but I do.  It is just my weakness.  I cannot pass up a good British sitcom (mystery or drama either to point a fact).  But dirty jokes just for the shock value... I hate.  Language bothers me, and frankly I've used it all (in my past).  I don't like to admit that... but there it is.  Now that I have children and am getting... sigh... older... I have just found that I hate it.  It is ugly to me.  I miss manners.  I miss when people did not swear around children, just because it was not done.  We did not swear around adults, or women.  Just to be polite.  I miss that. Okay.,, and before you say anything... I DO choose not to watch them... I don't subscribe to them.  I KNOW that it is just that easy.  I am just saying that I wish it wasn't part of reality.
Anyway... that is my tangent on that.  My point is... I just wish it wasn't this way.  There is so much talent out there.  There is so much beauty out there.  Does it have to be muddied?  It's like someone once told me... it's like hiking up to a beautiful, sparkling, clear mountain stream, and you look up and someone is down stream peeing in it.  That is what I think that it is like.  There I said it.
I guess I want to say that I underestimated the importance, and power of YouTube.  It can be used as a fantastic tool for all of us to bridge the gaps and express ourselves.  I am impressed.  Bravo YouTube for giving all of us little people a chance to follow our dreams.  I am not a tuber, but our family has been considering it.  I know that what the dedicated ones do is really hard work... even if they make it look easy, but they are impressive and they devote their lives to what they do.  I wish them luck and so much success.  I just ask that you think about how you are using social media... are you doing good with it, or are you just putting out crap?  I'm just saying...
Anyway... bravo to those of you who are having fun, expressing yourselves, making a living for your families, doing amazing things, and just being awesome!  I cannot wait to look up more of you.  Good luck and I wish you success. 

Making Changes

What do you think about yourself?  Are you happy with yourself?  Do you believe that you are worthy of happiness?

I have struggled with that for much of my life. Correction... I still struggle with that, but I am happy to say that I am starting to make progress.  I started therapy a few months ago, and despite my fear, misgivings, and concerns, it is helping.

When I started I had an option, I could either begin with the easy issues or tackle the hardest ones.  I am grateful to say that I made the right choice, I started with the hardest most painful ones first.  Of course it would have been easy to start with the little things that plague me on a daily basis, but I found that I was ready for change.  I decided that I had been hurting long enough.  I realized that I had only been cheating myself.

When I started tackling the tough issues I realized how angry I really was.  I realized how much pain I was in, and more importantly I realized that I was hurting because of the things that had been done to me, not because of anything I had done to myself.  I am learning that I have to place blame where it belongs and take back... myself.  If I want to heal I have to let go of guilt.  I have to let go of sorrow.  I have to let go of the pain.  If I don't I will stay stuck.  I will stay limited.  I have stunted my own growth by not dealing with my issues.
Because I have been numb for so long, despite the love I have of my children and my husband, I have suffered.  I allowed my "baggage" to hinder and strain those precious relationships.  

I lost my confidence.  I lost my creative spirit.  I lost my happiness.  I lost myself.  

Unconsciously, I decided that I did not deserve joy, even in my everyday. Depression had a hold on me to the point that I did not believe that I was worth living for.  I found myself trapped in a circle of sorrow.

However, I am is not yet out of the woods.  I am struggling in my marriage.  My husband still loves me deeply and dearly, but I take no effort.  I allow myself to get locked in my physical pain and the excuses that come with it.  I allow myself to get trapped in my sorrow and feeling sorry for myself.  I allowed myself to give up and settle, until I do not think I can find another way.

It is not easy to face your past.  It is not easy to face your own short comings.  It is not easy admit your mistakes.  It is not easy to admit what it is in your life that is toxic, or who is toxic.  It is not easy to make the changes that it takes to find your happiness.  It takes time.  It takes devotion.  It takes direction and guidance. It takes patience and that dreaded word "forgiveness".  What I have discovered though was that forgiveness does not mean condoning.  It does not mean that you are letting someone get away with something.  Forgiveness to me means letting go, letting go of pain, letting go of the sorrow, letting go of the guilt.  It means saying you're worth fighting for.  I am learning to take responsibility for myself and my actions.  I have to take responsibility for my thoughts, and my behavior, even my mood.
In the doctors office they have a sign in the restroom that says, "Happiness is a choice".  I thought that was ridiculous...at first.  I thought it was a one of those cheesy sayings that meant nothing profound, but I have actually found that being happy really is a choice.  And what was worse was that I had chosen to be stuck in my pain, and I had settled in to being average and useless.  If those were choices than why couldn't I choose to be happy?
One of my problems is that I did not have faith that God had given me life and talents or that there was a reason that he had.  I did not have faith that He made me and knew what I was capable of.  I did not have faith that He cared about me...personally.  I did not care about myself, and since my family loved me I decided that that was enough.  In a way it should be, but is it really all I should strive for?  Didn't they deserve the best of me?  Didn't they deserve me happy?  I had to realize that I was not giving my family or myself the best care that I could.  I was not taking care of them or myself to the best of my ability.  I realized that I for them to be happy... I had to be happy.
I could not even be the best person that God knew I could be.  I had failed him.  I began to see that his life is a gift, and I was wasting it.  I had been given 7 beautiful children (three of which has passed on from Muscular Dystrophy), but I have 4 healthy children who keep me busy, and happy every day, and I have the hope of seeing my children again one day (in the next life "heaven").  I have been blessed with my best friend as my husband.  He has struggled with me.  He has loved me.  He has seen me at my worst.  I hope he will see me at my very best... one day.
I have been blessed with creativity.  I am artistic.  I am a writer... hoping to get published.  I am a mother, and a kind person.  I love imagination.  I love nature.  I love music, and the way it makes me feel.  I love that I have a love of my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I struggle.  I get sad.  I don't always see the beauty in my world or my day, but I am improving.  I want to keep improving.  I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy my life and start living it.  I don't want to waste any more time.  I have thrown away so much.
I am not there yet, but I am not going to quit trying.  I am going to keep working at it.  I am going to keep praying for help.  I am going to continue to do those things my therapist suggests.  I am going to keep being honest with myself and take responsibility for myself and my thoughts.  It isn't easy, and I will continue to struggle, and I will have good days and bad, but I have decided that no one can change my life, but me.  Those people around me that I love and love me, deserve for me to try.
I also had another realization.  I lost three of my children too soon.  They did not have the opportunity to run, jump and play. They did not have the chance to live and make their lives reach their potential.  They could not express their thoughts.  They could not enjoy their lives.  We worked very hard to make them comfortable and happy, but there was only so much we could for them.  I am blowing the chance that was taken away to soon from them.  I owe them better.  I deserve better and so do you.
Now, I don't know if this is going to help anyone.  I don't even know if anyone will read this.  I don't know if there is any point to this, but I hope... I hope this will help someone.  I hope it will give someone encouragement.  I hope that I might encourage someone to rediscover themselves, or inspire someone at least to search.  I don't want to wait for good to come to me... I want to make it happen.  I envy those who live their lives to the fullest, although I would bet that there are not as many out there doing it as we might think.
Don't you want to do that?  It all starts with a baby step.  You take one at a time, and then you take another one, and then another.  It seems that simple, but it might not be that simple. However, as long as you are moving forward you will get there.  Do what is best for you and those you love.  You don't have to make excuses to anyone.  You just have to start.  It is my prayer that if anyone is suffering... you figure it out for yourself.  I hope that you will figure out what is hurting you, and work those things out of your life.  You deserve it.  Just don't give up... no matter what you pain you have to endure on the journey... you are worth it.  It will get easier... and I will keep on encouraging you as I learn and grow too.  You are not taking this journey alone.
P.S.  Write me... writermom@yahoo.com