Sorrow

What do you do when the tears swell and you fear that they may not stop... once they start to fall?

I've been facing that these last few days.  I am so down... so sorrowful... and feeling so incredibly defeated.  Have you ever had to face the reality that things you had hope in... are not to be? Whether that be applied to new friendships, new experiences, nearly accomplished goals that failed, or whatever else has failed you?  There is a sorrow that comes so sweepingly that you might fear that it will overwhelm you and devour your hope and joy all in one wave.  I feel that way.  

Sorrow is such an engulfing emotion, one that makes me feel as though my entire body is giving up.  If you are like me, and you feel deeply, emotions like sadness, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, discouragement can devastate you.  It does me.  I feel as though all of my energy is gone.  I feel as though I want to give up.  I feel as though I've lost hope.  I feel as if I don't know where to go from here.  It is a deep ache, and it wears me out.

I have dealt with depression a lot in my life time.  I also suffer from P.T.S.D.  It is not easy.  I am grateful that I have been diagnosed with traumatic depression (not clinical depression).  The differences being that traumatic depression can be dealt with in therapy. Clinical depression needs not only therapy, but medication.  Either of which you should NEVER be ashamed of.  These are the reactions our bodies have to the things we go through and how we have been made.  It is not something that you can just "snap out of", as some people insist we should be able to do.  That is NEVER the case.  You cannot just decide to snap out of it... It just won't work.  You might be able to rally for a short time, but in the long term... it will return unless you get the help that you need, and I needed help.  I am not ashamed to say it.  I did not even begin to recover and find myself (despite medication for years) until I started to work out my problems with a therapist.  She has helped me tons.

What I want to point out though is... even with therapy... even with medication... I still face sorrow, disappointment, worry, and just plain bad days.  I am having one of those days... well a few of those days.  I am just plain sad.  I don't want to post my issues and who they are with or why they are happening in public.  This is not facebook where people plaster their problems for all the world to read, but I do want to talk about how I feel.  I feel sad. 

Tears are never far from trickling.  My body is reacting to my stress, which is not helping when I already suffer from excruciating, chronic back pain.  My therapist told me this is just one way that some people display their stress.  You may have another physical response, but I know that you understand that whatever your reaction... it drains you.  I am currently drained.

I just wish people came with a warning tag.  It might say something like, "WARNING: I am not who you are looking for.  Keep moving onward. I will only disappoint you and leave you spent."

I wish that, but they just don't come that way.  Sometimes you just have to try... and then deal with the aftermath.  

Some people delve into a bucket of ice cream.  Some people eat to feel better.  Some people will draw, paint, sculpt it out. Some might write about it (like me obviously), or even write poetry about it. Some of us will blast the music to fit our mood, or to try to change it. Some of us will watch a sad movie and cry it out, or listen to music that reflects how we feel, and cry it out.  Sometimes we just want to stay in bed, in the dark, to be left alone for what we hope will be a million years.  That never fixes anything, but expressing our pain helps.  Holding it in only makes us a ticking time bomb.

Sorrow is painful, and wearing.  We ache.  We cry. We get angry. We feel bad about ourselves.  We have a hard time seeing that this will pass.  However, NEVER let anyone tell you that you are wrong for how you feel... unless you assumed something that might not be true... then you are most likely wrong, but you should not let anyone determine how you are going to feel.

More often than not, when we hurt and just need someone to be supportive and compassionate.  That is not to much to ask in my view.

Right now... I am full of sorrow.  I have been disappointed, let down, and rejected.  I am sad, and honestly, despite my logical mind trying to convince me that I am going to be okay... I just want to hermit away and be lost in my sorrow for a few days.  I know I will feel better.  I just don't today.  That is just how it is, and that is okay, because I know it will pass.  

My advice, just take care of yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.  Be forgiving of yourself, and if you need a moment... take it.  If you like to journal... do that.  If you like to get creative... do that.  If you like to putter in the garden... do it.  If you like to cry to a good movie, or melancholic sorts of music... do that.  If you just need a good, long nap... do that.  Just do what you need. It will be okay. I will try to follow my own advice.

  I don't know who said it but, "This too shall pass." I promise.

Just Because...

I love this quote but I struggle with the message... not the message exactly, but in believing its truth.  Trust is hard, but patience is torture.  We all dream, but not all dreams are fulfilled.  There is nothing more difficult than living with regret. I'm only 42 and I already feel like my life is over, or that my chance to succeed has passed. Now logically I look around and see people who are twice my age and older, so realistically I still have time, but it is hard when you work, and work, and practice and do all you can to learn what you need to know and still nothing happens.  It is a frustration that can drive you to all sorts of limits.  

If you do not believe in God, are not sure, or just do not... I won't assume to tell you otherwise... this is just what I have come to believe.  If you decide to keep reading... thanks... I try to be open minded too.

That said, I believe that we have to try to remember that God may not answer our prayers right away, or in the way that we expect or want, but he does answer us.  God always knows better than we do what we need.  He knows if something we want will be for our good or not.  He knows if something will have consequences that we might not be able to see.  It is not to say that that makes the process easier.  Often we cannot see the forest for the trees. That means (by my interpretation) that sometimes if we are too close to the moment and our circumstance, or are too clouded in our judgement by the desire for the thing...to see the full picture.  Maybe we have more to learn... maybe we are not prepared enough yet... maybe we have to practice some more (our talent), or maybe it is just not the right thing for us, despite our strong, torturing desire for it.  Does that mean that we not good enough, smart enough, talented enough...? Not necessarily.  Maybe we are just not ready for whatever blessings can come if we take that path.  Maybe we can't handle the consequences that we can't foresee.  Maybe there is a different, better path that it is meant for us to take.

Have you ever heard of "God's Timing"?  It is when He decides the best timing for an event to happen.  That can be painful.  It is torture really. Patience is waiting... and I hate waiting, but sometimes it's what is best for us.  Even if it sucks.

So... I am 42... I have not realized all of my dreams... but does that mean that I should give up?  I hope not.  Some days I want to, but should I?  My family believes in me.  I have had friends who support my dream and think that I could do it.  That helps, but it is a hard thing to wait for.

So what do you do in the meantime?  I study... I practice... I write... I read... I watch tutorials on how to improve my talent, and I keep trying.  I hope one day I will be ready.  If that day comes... the world will know it, because of my girly screeches echoing from the rooftops.  I dream... I just hope that I don't dream too big.  Is there such a thing? Can you dream too big?  Look at the people around you that have reached their goals, accomplished their dreams, have incredible talents and have been recognized for them... even look at those around you who are still trying.  I hope you find inspiration there.  I will try to do that too, and if you think about it... a little prayer never hurts. Good luck my friends.   

Monster Factory: Draw Cute and Cool Cartoon Monsters Paperback

Okay... so I think you should help out your siblings whenever you can.  My brother illustrated this awesome book (authored by Ernie Harker) called, "Monster Factory: Draw Cute and Cool Cartoon Monsters" paperback!  I am so excited for him.  He is so very talented and has been drawing, doodling and creating since we were children.  It is available on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble, and I am just so happy for him.  So I am obviously... shamelessly... promoting him.  I know him and I know his work, and it will be worth it if you, your kid, or maybe even a kid you know loves to learn to draw.  They will love this.  Thanks for checking it out.  That is all I ask.  So fun.
Go Ken...!

Laughter is the best medicine

  Okay, so my kids crack me up... my daughter (12) was zinging my other daughter (20) when she called her on my husbands phone and when she got her voicemail she said, "Hello, this is Tia... I'm to busy being lazy to answer my phone right now... leave a message after the beep."
She is the kind of kid that sometimes it takes a moment to realize that she has zinged you.  I love my kids, they have such a great sense of humor.  I love listening to them playing together in the other rooms.  They have great laughs too.  They are wonderful to listen to.  They lift my spirits.  I am blessed that my entire family has such a wonderful sense of humor.   We all have it.
Just a funny fact about me is that I especially love British humor.  Keeping Up Appearances, Fawlty Towers, Are you being Served, Dad's Army, The Thin Blue Line, Mr. Bean, The Vicar of Dibley, and Black Adder for example.  For me, it is not what someone says, as much as how they say it.  The Brits are just so dang funny.
My husband is hysterical, though you might not know it to look at him.  He stands as an imposing figure, but really he is so funny.  Isn't that the best way to survive life though?  Humor is the best medicine... and all that.  We have needed it in ours... that is for sure.
I think that was something that won my heart almost immediately when I met my husband.  He made me laugh all the time.  He is also handsome, which doesn't hurt.  He is a major support in my life.  He loves me and enjoys making me laugh and when we have those moments I feel so much closer to him.  Life often throws stones onto your path, but you need to have people around you that make you feel good about yourself, and are willing to help you hurdle those stones.
I love nothing more than having someone around who you don't have to talk to, or entertain just because you are in the same room.  My family is like that, and we just like to be in each other's company.  They never make me feel like I have to be "on".  You know what I mean?  Some people make you feel like you have to smile a little wider, laugh a little more, make you feel nervous, and like if your hair, makeup, style, or profession are just not enough.  I hate that.  I have tried to eliminate those people from my life, which has pretty much left me alone with myself and my family.  Some days that sucks, but honestly, I've sacrificed for friendship in the past, and I still ended up lost and alone.  Deep down I am really okay with that though.  I have my family and ultimately that's what matters most.  I guess this is why I like doing this blog.  I get a chance to be myself and say what I feel without judgement, at least not too much judgement... I hope.
Anyway, do what you love and find ways to laugh... not to say that a good cry does not help sometimes too.  Maybe that is just something that only women do, however, it can be very cathartic in it's own right.  But if you know what just busts you up, makes you smile (even when you don't realize you are smiling), or just lifts you up... do that!
Just a suggestion, look up the Carol Burnette Show on YouTube.  You might be to young to know who she is, but the bits they do are so dang funny.  I especially love the moments when the actors are trying very hard not to laugh, and you can see their struggle.  They do that a lot.  It is too funny.  It just busts me up.
Whatever finds your funny bone... let it be a part of your day.  It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown.  Just saying.  Try to have some fun today. 

Hi. This is me.

  Hi.  This is me.  I am always leery of posting pictures of myself... just because I hate pictures of myself... as I'm sure a lot of people do. However, I am trying to take better care of myself and be okay with... well... me.  So here I am.
  I am a wife and mother.  I am a writer and a dreamer.  I am in my 40's now and not happy about it.  I am creative. I love to learn, though I admit that I am not very good at it, but it does not stop me from trying.  I deal with chronic pain, and I struggle with my self esteem, and my weight... though I am happy to say that I just came from the doctors today and I am happy to report that I lost 12 lbs.  I know it is not much, but it is a start and I will take that.
  I love to read, but it took practice.  I love to write, but that takes practice.  I love word searches, and most of all I love my role as wife and mother.  I am a natural redhead and one of 8 children.  I love a good movie, but sometimes I like the "behind the scenes" featurette's more than the film itself. I am fascinated by the process and I find it inspiring.
  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or (Mormon's) as we are nicknamed.  I was raised in the church, but I always add... that I was converted in my early 20's when my husband joined the church (he was formerly Catholic), and I started to have children.  Children can change your priorities, just by being born. However, I am so grateful for the process I went through to find my faith.  It was a long, hard journey, but one I am grateful to be able to share.
  As a teen I lost myself.  I changed everything about myself (even my laugh) to try to fit in.  It worked, but I had to give up everything I held dear (my values, my dreams, my personality, my everything).  I did not even recognize myself and I was anorexic and suicidal.  Like I said, it was a long and painful process.  I fell away from the church... my family... myself. I lost everything.
  Then I met someone who saw through my facade, my mask, my lies, and fell in love with me for who he saw inside.  My husband Tony.  We met when I was 17, married at 19, and have been together now for almost 25 years.  It is crazy.  So much time has passed and so much has happened to us during that time.  However, now... with a lot of therapy... we are getting better... better than we ever have been.  I am feeling again, learning to live in the now, and not in the past (though I have not forgotten the lessons of the past), and we are learning how to love all over again, in a healthy way with healthy communication.  We needed to learn that... seriously needed to learn that.  We still struggle once in a while, but we are both working very hard.
  Someone once asked me, "How do two people suffering from P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression celebrate Valentines day?"  Strange... kind of random question... but I tried my best to explain.  I don't think that at the time I did a very good job of explaining, because honestly I was not really sure. In fact I'm not really sure what I said, but if I could change my answer, now, I would say that we were just going through the motions. We tried to make it nice.  My husband always did the traditional things... flowers, card, sometimes candy... stuff like that, but it was never what it should have been.  That is something that I realized late in our life though.
  When you both are suffering... all you can do is your best.  We had to learn and be taught what we both needed from each other.  We had to exorcise our ghosts, and sort through our pain.  Luckily, one thing we had going for us was that we always had love, even if it was love seen through smudged, grotty, dirty lenses.  We had love to drive us forward.  When you really, truly love someone, I mean can't live without them love, the kind that makes your life impossible to see without that person love, no matter what you go through kind of love, you can survive just about anything.  My therapist said, "Can you see a future without him?"  I had to admit that I could not.  And that was when I started to heal and work even harder.
  When you live with someone who struggles too, it makes life for both of you difficult.  We used to compete for who had the worst day.  It sucked.  We had to take responsibility for ourselves first. We did not even begin couples therapy until we had some individual sessions first... I mean months worth.  Now we are working together.  It is not easy.  It takes a lot of patience and forgiveness.  It takes a lot of effort, and to be honest some times we have good days and bad days, but we have to keep going... working... and trying to do our best.  It is exhausting, and painful, but I believe that if you really love someone... it is worth it.
Well, that is me.  I just wanted to introduce myself a bit and tell you where I'm at and what I am doing.  I'm not really sure if any of this is making sense, I am kind of writing through a fog of pain medication (my back is out again). But I felt that need to share.  And I had my face done for the doctor's appointment today (I felt like I was kind of presentable) ... is that terrible to admit. Oh well... there it is.

P.S.  If you ever have questions or topics you want me to touch on, just write me or leave a comment. I would really love that.  I would do YouTube, but I'm not sure what I would do.
Well, thanks for your time.  You never really know if what you are posting matters, but I hope it does.  I wish you well.  Until next time... bye.