Sanctuary, "God Bless This Home"

Searching for Home

  Have you ever had enough and wished that you could just retreat to a bubble where no one can ever bother you, upset you, or hurt your family in anyway? Home is something that almost everyone longs for at some point in their life. Home is something that I long for with all of my heart. It has been years since we had one of our own. We had a home, that we eventually lost when my husband became crippled with Chronic Fatigue (Fibro-Mialgia) and herniated disks. We lost everything. We also had emotional baggage that made our life and especially our marriage an intense struggle. We did not have the tools to heal. So we uprooted our family and moved across the country in search of healing and home. We are finding healing... with the help of an absolutely amazing therapist. She is helping us let go, forgive, and heal. and move forward with healthy communication.
  My advice... for everyone... is to learn how to communicate. it is truly the only way to have a good, productive, happy life. You have to grow and develop a way to feel without hurting those around you.  I had reached my limit of sorrow, pain, frustration, and fear, and I believe that God said... "Okay, you have had enough.  It's time to heal." This is when we felt inspired to move on. We had to get away from everything that was hurting us... our past... our baggage... our trauma... and the negative influences in our lives. Off we went. We are almost completeness passed our individual therapy and we are moving on toward healing our family. It feels like we are ready to move on to a happier life. Now though... I am longing for home. I am truly struggling to know where to go next... do we go back to where we left? That is the hardest decision. Do we risk going back to where we struggled the most in our lives and hope that we are strong enough? That is what we are trying to decide.
  I need a home. My oldest daughter dreams of having a family of her own. I ache over that. It is not my greatest desire.  I love my children so much... I do not want to be separated from them, but at the same time I want to see them grow and add to our family and our capacity for love. I dream of grand babies, but I struggle with letting her go.  I lost three of my children to Muscular Dystrophy... She is the one of the ones who stayed. How do I part with her. I love to hear, "I love you", and "Mom... can I talk to you." Those are some of my happiest moments. To know she still needs me. Being a parent is not easy.  There is so much sacrifice and reward, and it is worth every moment, but it isn't always easy.
  Home... I need a home. I am so very grateful that we have a good, solid home that shelters us from weather, trauma, struggle, and life. It is our sanctuary from the world, but it is not ours.  We can't make it ours. I long for home. I want to grow our family, and have a safe place where we can love, learn, laugh, and grow. I need a home. Maybe the hardest decision is where do we go, and my greatest fear is... can we find what we need? Can we find that home that will give us all that we need? I dream of home. I just pray we can find it.

Pain and My Search for Relief

Hi guys. Sorry it has been a while. I have been recovering from my spine stimulator implantation surgery. I have struggled with chronic, sever, and constant back pain from a number of crippling conditions. This has not been easy. I have had years of injections, radio frequency, physical therapy, etc, but nothing has ever relieved the pain to the point that I could live any sort of a normal life... outside of my bed. I did the trial for the implant, and it was great. Now... my (emotional) therapist has a theory that the idea of hope causes a false sense of hope, because when it was all said and done... it helps, but it is not the same as when I did the trial many months ago.
The pain was excruciating, Surgery pain, plus the normal, crippling back pain that I have every day was way to much.  I did not think that I was going to survive it.  I also had the difficulty of working with the pain clinic that I had used for my relief for almost 2 years. The front desk "Pit bull" as I affectionately call her gave us a ton of trouble... claiming that I was misusing my medicine, because I had to ask for more Morphine and Percacet because I asked for another prescription.  Mine had run it's course and I was due for another one. They were under the assumption that my spine stimulator was turned on right away.  It was not! I had to go to the surgeon who did my surgery and we explained our situation.  They had not taken into consideration that I would need to ween off of the heavy medications that I had been taking for years. It was an all around humiliating, frustrating, painful, and confusing situation. I ended up having severe withdrawals and wanted to strip off my own flesh to get relief. It was a nightmare. I have great sympathy for people who go threw

withdrawals; it was truly horrible.
Sadly, once I healed for 2 weeks, they turned the stimulator on for me.  I struggled for the next 6 to 7 weeks, but now I am finally healed, only now I am still in an incredible amount of pain. I am back on my medication and I use the stimulator as needed.  It helps a lot when I am out and about.
Now I want to put out a disclaimer that I am NOT saying that this would not work for other people. I cannot predict what would happen if you think that it is right for you. I just feel like I need to share my story.
I will say though that my general practitioner has had many patients who got the stimulator and had the same results. One woman went as far as having it removed.
It does help my recovery (a little), and it does help when I am out (a little), but I cannot claim that it is the same for everyone.
Anyway, I am sort of back to square one, but my attitude has changed. I am trying to move forward. I try to learn, and develop my talents. I found a wonderful chair that has a great padded, curved shape. It is a chaise so I have leg support all the way through. I also have an orthopedic pillow that relieves the pressure on my coccyx, which is the end of your tailbone. So I continue to struggle, but I am living my life more fully now.  I am grateful for my life, my loving children and husband, the talents that God gave me, and the ability we have as humans to learn and grow. I am grateful to live beyond my pain.
I know that some of you are back to the grindstone with kids back to school and such, but what I want to ask you is... "How are you going to be spending your time? Are you going to make yourself a better person, or are you going to settle for your life and circumstances or are you going to try to learn something new about yourself today?"
What do you have to lose?
Good luck my friends. -Gail

If You Could Walk In My Shoes

  Today... even if just for today... try to look on another with new eyes, a new attitude, and with new love, understanding, patience, and forgiveness. Please, if only for today. You never know what might happen.

Chronic Pain

 The reason that I wanted to post this... is because I live with chronic (daily and constant) and extreme pain every moment of every day, despite the highest dose of the strongest medicine I can get. I long for my life to be given back to me. I miss my husband.  I wish I could be a more complete mother for my children. I wish I could go to the bathroom without a walker, and a cane. I wish my outings weren't limited to doctor appointments, and procedures, but I can't ask for more than that, and the love of a good man, and my children.   I just needed you to know that I am not lazy.  I am not bored.  I am not doing this for attention. I am not doing this for sympathy, because frankly... this very little to be had. My husband had to buy me a walker and shower chair this past week. I can only lay in one position and if I behave... every two days I get to sit up on my bed for about 15 minutes, and maybe get a walk to the bathroom with, or without my cane. I am so grateful for those days. I use a tens unit (which is a device that you use with electrodes on your back that attach wires to a remote that gives you different settings of electrical pulses that ripple through your body in an attempt to loosen your muscles. In the past these would have been considered unspeakable, medieval, inhuman tortures. They just made it more medically friendly. lol.

  I want to live, and I miss my life.  I miss being a normal, healthy wife to my husband. Actually, I tell a lie. If you have read my blog with any thoroughness you would know that my sweet husband and I have never really had a healthy relationship. However, despite our problems, he still loves me and tries every day to show me how much he loves me.  I thank God for knowing who I needed to love me and for me to love. I am blessed, but daily now, I get sad, angry, frustrated, and sadder still. I have gone from great strides in physical therapy to barely being able to move at all within just a small number of weeks. My heart and body is broken, and frankly it is difficult to hold onto my mind. 

  I have hope... some. I am due for surgery soon. I wait impatiently for my spine stimulator to be implanted. Man, that does sound like a medieval torture treatment, but it has been like waiting for a Christmas that always changes it's date of arrival. There is no guarantee for me, and I have a 6 to 9 week healing time, but I need to hold onto hope. It won't help my hips, but I am hoping for something. It is all I have left, besides my love for my husband, my kids, and my God.

Please, think before you judge someone before you know the situation they are in, and what they might be going through in silence or in private.  You can never understand what someone is going through, unless you try.

  To anyone who is hurting or struggling with whatever pain you are in,whether it be physical, emotional, or mental.  Hang in there, and know that there is another person out her in our universe who understands what you are going through. Good luck and take it easy on yourself. Do what you have to do.

My Sacred Temple and Other Random Thoughts about Religion

While I was on facebook, I saw a post asking for pictures of your favorite temple and why it is your favorite.  I posted this.  It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Washington, D.C. Temple.  This is a very special place to me.  In our faith, we believe that it is possible to be sealed together as an eternal family.  When I went to the temple with my family, it was me, my husband, my daughter who was only nine days away from her second birthday.  There was also my son, who was three years and nine months old.  If you have read anything that I have written before... you would know that my first child, my son Anthony, was born with a very rare form of Muscular Dystrophy.  We later had another daughter with the same disease, four healthy children (though my son has Aspergers Autism), and we also had a stillbirth at twenty-seven weeks along. That is a story for another time.
My husband was a convert from his Catholic faith.  He told me that we answered a lot of questions that he was not allowed to ask. It seemed to be an easy, and natural process, but he is like that.  If he finds the truth... it comes easy for him to accept.  I also want to say that... I NEVER pushed him in any way to convert.  My father introduced him to the missionaries, and then he did the rest.  It was all quite a surprise to me, because during my teen years I struggled to hold to my faith. In fact, I fell away from the church all together. I believed in God, but I believed that I did not deserve his love, or forgiveness.  Again, that is another story.
We had to wait for a year before we could go to the temple. Of course it took us a bit longer than that... almost four years. For Tony it was important that he had an understanding and faith about what we were going to do, and that he want to participate in the wonderful things that are done there, like baptism for the dead (which is done to give loved ones a chance to accept the church... if they did not have the opportunity in this life.  We fully believe in the afterlife, and the beauty of this process is that they do not have to accept it.  They have choice... even in heaven.
Things that are done in the temple are sacred... not secret.... not secret.  That is something that I really would like to say.  We do not talk about them much, because they are special, very special.  They are God's work and we treasure the work we do there. Have you ever had something that meant so much to you that you would do your very best to protect it..? Have you ever had a moment that you knew was special... and might it just change your life... if you let it?  That is how it is with the promises we make to God and ourselves when we go to the temple.  So for us... what we do there means everything to us.

We worked hard to get there.  We prayed, attended our church meetings, and studied the scriptures and words of our church leaders. We had to prepare before we could go.  It is not about the day so much as it was about making our family permanent and forever. I have been to Catholic mass for those loved ones that we loved so dearly.  Understand, that I fully respect the Catholic faith.  I have no problem with their belief system, however, my only issue, the one that made me so very sad, was when the priest expressed his hope that one day we would be allowed to see our loved one again.  He could only offer hope that God would allow us to know them again.  In my faith, it was not only possible to know them again, but it was possible to be sealed, sacredly as a family... forever. I would never again have to live without my husband and my children... three of which has since passed. That is a comfort that cannot be replaced.  I have faith that this is so.  If you have ever had the opportunity to go through the temple... during the open house... that is open to the public for a walk through... I think that you would have come away with a feeling that you have entered a special place.  It is a place that is set apart, blessed and provided as a place where wonderful, spiritual, and eternal promises are made. This means the world to me and my family.  I miss my children every day.  I long for them in my life, and because of the promises (or covenants) that I was able to make with my family and God... I have hope of a glorious reuniting of not just me and my children, but of me and my family... and all who went before us.  That is a hope and treasure that I do not want anyone... especially not the haters of the world to stomp on.
I have never understood peoples need to crush someone else's spirit.  I don't understand why there is this absolute, all consuming need to hate.  When the pilgrims came here... it was for religious freedom (among other things), but they came here for freedom.  If you do not agree with me... fine.  If you had an offensive experience... I'm sorry for that.  If you dealt with someone who hurt you, or advised you poorly... I am so sorry for your pain, but that is not me. I have not done that to you.  My church has not done that to you.  There are good and bad individuals in all walks of life and in ALL faiths. That does not mean that we are all bad or evil, or have ill intent. That is to say that if person is purple, and they treated me wrong, I do not discriminate against all people who are purple. I want the freedom to choose... that is all.  I just want the freedom to decide that for myself.  I have no problem with you if you do not believe in a God, because that is your choice, whether I don't understand it or not.  That way of thinking does not bring me peace.  That is not something that helps me to sleep at night,,, when I think of my children, who feel so far from me.  Maybe you would feel differently if you had walked a mile in my shoes. If you had felt the desperate, heart wrenching pain of losing three of my children.  I HAVE to believe in something, or I might lose my mind all together. In fact, after the experience with losing my daughter at a twenty-seven week gestation, I almost did lose it all.  I have an eight month period that I cannot account for.  Even for all of my faith and belief, I still could not handle the loss of one more of my precious children. I don't know if that would even matter to you.  Would that make a difference in the way that you think? I don't know.  I can only speak for myself.  This is my blog, about my life, which includes my faith and my growth.

I know that this image... to the right is a bit dramatic, but I believe that we are forgetting.  We are forgetting what hatred can do.  We are forgetting what evil can come as a result of intolerance and prejudice. I have a maybe morbid curiosity about the Holocaust.  I feel like I need to know their stories. Maybe it is because in my own way... I have tragedy too.  I do not compare myself to them.  What they lived through was horrific, and unacceptable. It was evil. Just plain evil, but it is also the result of someone not wanting someone to exist in their own faith, lifestyle, birthright.  It breaks my heart to learn about what happened to them.  I will never understand their fear, sorrow, pain, terror, desperation, and heart wrenching loss. My heart is with them, and I don't want people to forget them.  I also want for people to know that it is not okay.  If you do not understand us... that does not mean that you have to hate me.  I do not understand the atheist point of view, but that does not make me hate you.
I hold my religion to be sacred.  I want the freedom to believe the way of my conscience. I have that right.  Even if there are those who don't want to let me.
Did you know that the "Mormon", (our nickname) is the only faith to have been pursued and mobbed from state to state, until they came to a land that no one wanted.  We are the only ones to have an extermination order put out against all Mormons, by the Governor of Missouri Lilburn Boggs.  There is history and he said, she said about the circumstances.  My point is... that we have not learned that this type of history is wrong.  When all is said and done... the Jews are still Jewish.  The latter-day saints are still Mormons.  We cannot continue down this path of pain and sorrow.  Frankly, it is ridiculous. You can have your belief system... whatever that is.  I just want the freedom to have my own.  It seems that our world is becoming a hotbed of different beliefs, faiths, secret organizations, and lifestyles. This world is getting smaller and smaller and there is no room for hatred anymore.
 Now, when it comes to my faith, I do not ask that you take this all on my word.  I do not expect you to believe me.  I do not expect you to do anything other than give me the chance to live my faith and live by what I have come to believe is my right and is a blessing to my life.
  Back on topic, when we were finally able to go to the temple to be sealed as an eternal family... it was one of the happiest days of my life, and continues to be my salvation and my daily strength.  It might not mean anything to you, but my knowledge, because it is more than faith to me now, I know that my children are waiting for me.  They are safe, and together and waiting for us to be together again.  Why would you want to deny me that?
I was sealed to my husband and my children on Sept. 28th, 1996, ten days before the death of my first child, Anthony.  My heart is forever with him in heaven.  That is a comfort that cannot ever be taken away. I wish you peace, love and tolerance, as you change throughout your life, because there will be things that will happen in your life... that will change you.  I love my family.  I love my gospel.  I love my God and He comforts me and gives me strength every day.  I wish you well, whatever you believe. Whatever you need.  I wish you peace.

My Really Good Day! Kind of a Miracle Day!

Today was an amazing day.  It did not start out that way but eventually it did get there.  I dragged around this morning, taking my normal diet of monsters... every pain pill I need to get me back to feeling slightly able to get out of bed. I fired up my heating pad and prepared to take my voyage steps toward the bathroom.  Chronic pain can really make the simplest things feel as though you have to a mountain to climb.  So the day started.  I worked on school with my littlest one, and made sure that everyone had breakfast, brushed their teeth and so forth.  Everyone had started their day.  A few important chores were completed, (I supervised) like the dogs were let out to pee.  Their food and fresh water were prepared and then the carpets were thoroughly vacuumed; something that HAS to be done when you have a number of big, slobbery, wonderful dogs. The kids got their work done, while my husband and my oldest daughter went to Cosmoprof to get some hair supplies.  If you saw my past post you would know that my daughter recently did a color melt of deep blue to teal on my hair.  Well, that gave my 13 year old the courage to get her hair done too, but like so many processes in life.... there are a few hiccups. She needed to go and get a specific toner to work with my daughters lightening of her naturally dirty blond hair.

  Long story longer... my husband brought back lunch and we had a picnic in our room.  We've had to adapt a lot of things with me always having to lie down with the heating pad and meds.  We sometimes put on an old monster movie on the weekends and everyone hangs out with me, and some buttered popcorn of course. lol.

 

Anyway, I got off topic. So we had lunch... my daughter got started on my other daughters hair, my son had finished his homework and online work for the day (we do online schooling). If you are wondering how that works... we have an online planner on which we receive the assignments for the week... month... and so on.  We have book, workbooks, and computers provided by the school.  We have teachers, one for my elementary age daughter, and many teachers for middle school and high school.  My oldest daughter graduated from high school (ceremony and all) and then she graduated from cosmetology school (Toni and Guy),  It is basically public school at home, with homework, live lessons, and supplies.  We love it.  Today my 8 year old got up slow, wore comfy clothes, and was able to work at her own pace.  Wow, now I'm really off topic, but I thought someone might be interested.

So... we completed our day... I got myself ready for physical therapy (at 3:30 p.m.) By then, and I really don't know why... I was feeling very hyper and full of anxiety.  I tried to lay down, take my afternoon doses, and listen to some relaxing music on Pandora (with my headphone), and it helped, and by the time we got to p.t. I was feeling quite a bit better.  

Now this is important.  On Wed. the 17th of Feb. I had gotten another round of shots in my hips.  It was a bilateral, S.I. joint injection.  Basically, I got a lot of painful shots in my hips and around my tailbone. When you receive this... you feel pretty good when you get home. However, eventually that wears off.  I did feel relief in my hips (pain that is on both sides and mostly effects my right leg right now). When the sedation wears off... you have to manage the injection site pain.  That passes after just a day or two.

So back to today, I was a little sore, but was doing great.  I think a mistake some people make is that they get injections, you get immediate relief, but if you rush your activity... you are going to be back to hurting... badly.  I try to rest for the first few days in order for the medicine they injected to have time to do what it is meant to do. I cannot emphasize this enough.  You have to learn to pace yourself when it comes to pain relief, or pain management. That is what I did, and it finally paid off.  I have had p.t. for quite a few months.  When I started... well I could barely walk, and when they started my with the simplest of exercises I thought to myself... "This is pathetic.

 It's going to take me years to make any progress".  However, they would monitor my progress and when they thought I could do it... they would up my challenge level.  They gave me a stronger exercise band with a greater resistant level.  They have quite a few different levels of resistance. They would also give me a new exercise.
They would have me try to use weights, Ride the stationary bike for a few minutes.  I started at two minutes and I'm now up to 5.  So I was making progress.  I tried to work out at home, but found that after one day of work out... I had to rest for 2 or 3.  I had workouts 2 times a week. It was hard to keep believing that this was going to do anything for me.  Then a few months later we come to today.  A day unlike any other, except that this time I walked in feeling pretty great.  The shots had worked. I was virtually... well almost... pain free. I was struggling with muscle spasms (which always happens when one area of pain is relieved.  It is like my muscles go into freak out mode).

Nevertheless, I went in there and was feeling pretty good.  Little did I know how good I was.  I was able for the first time.... EVER... I was able to do every single exercise they ever wanted me to do.  It was amazing.  I felt like a new person!  I was over the moon and high on happiness.  I couldn't wait to tell my kids how well I had done.  My husband was there with me, but it felt amazing to have him be proud of me. I hurried to the kitchen, got a snack and ate a baby kosher dill pickle.  I spent a few minutes petting my dogs and just absolutely reveling in my joy.  I even took a few minutes to snog my husband. A problem that people who live with extreme chronic pain is that your love life tends to suffer... greatly.  If all you feel is pain, and your meds. barely give you relief, you don't really feeling kissing and anything else... is near impossible.  But today I felt so good, I just had to give him a little catching up time.  Now, I might pay for this day... in fact I know that I will, because it is all beginning to flood back into me, but I am not going to let it stop me from believing that there is still a chance for me. By the way... wheelchairs don't work for me... I cannot sit (especially without my orthopedic pillow) for any real length of time. Bed it is for me. I can have horrible days, when I don't have any hope, but every now and then... a miracle is possible.  Today was that day.  So, I have made a very grand decision.  I am going to take my days one day at a time.  I am going to realize that I might hurt so bad that I cannot function, but that does not mean that everyday is going to be like that. I am meeting with a surgeon on the 29th of this month.  I hope that after we meet... it won't be long until we can implant my spine stimulator.  If it is successful... I could be pain free, or at least pain manageable for many days at a time. I also realize that I might never be able to go without pain medicines completely, but now... because of today... I have hope. I am not going to let any setbacks, that might actually start tonight...get me down and take away my hope.  I will always try to remember to have hope. Even if I have to make a giant sign to hang on my wall. lol.

 I wanted to pass on this crazy... jumbled... long... windy path that is my life and my story in order to help someone who might be going through the same sort of situation that I am in. I hope that by somehow passing this on to you... whoever you are... or anyone who may be trying to find some hope, encouragement... or whatever... I hope that this might bring you some comfort at least. Try to remember that you are not alone.  I suffer from chronic and extreme spine, hip, neck and leg pain, but I am not going to be giving up on a better quality of life any time soon.  I wish you all good health, relief from what ails you, happiness and hope. I hope that you will find that thing that inspires you.  I hope that you will find that thing that brings you comfort and can give you your life back. Remember, that if you need to... you can search for a second opinion.  If your doctor is not filling your needs...don't be afraid to ask for what you need to make your quality of life better.  Most doctors become fairly offended if you ask them to refer you to someone else.  A good thing to do is look on the internet.  Often you can find reviews from patients letting you know how good the quality of their care was.  You can also talk to friends, family and other people in your life like that.  Unfortunately, I didn't find the help I needed until we took a big step and moved to Arizona.  We prayerfully went to where we thought the climate might be best for our various ailments.  Now we both feel so much better. (my husband suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other conditions).  I do pray that you can find those people that will help you find comfort, the kind that I needed so desperately. Good luck you guys, and remember that if you are at your wits end... there is prayer.  If you have never prayed before... then please try.  God is listening.  

DISCLAIMER: This section contains my faith and religious belief.  If you don't want to read that part... I won't be offended.  If you do read on... I hope my advice helps.  I just feel like I've got to try.

For me... we always begin by addressing the father. Say, "Father in heaven... I come before thee in prayer to ask... Then end with, "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." It is that simple.  You can fill the contents of your prayer any way you want... and no one ever need know... unless you want them to know.  But from experience... I can promise that He hears you.  Just talk to him like you would a loved one, because I do believe he loves you.  Anyway, this is me. This is my life. This is my belief, and it has worked for me so far.  I do hope that you will have love, comfort, encouragement and hope.  Talk at ya soon. Later.