Patience and Dreaming

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.
- Unknown 💕

  Patience is a virtue that is agonizing to develop, grow, and nurture. It is very difficult to see the forest for the trees. How often do we have to look at our trials in hindsight before we can see the purpose in our trials? How often do we struggle, kick, and rail against the life we are living, the circumstances we are in, or the consequences of choices that we have made?      Patience is a word that if you shout it in a crowded room would have to hold on to something bolted down because you will be blown away by the sighs let out by the crowd in front of you.

Patience is hard to develop and even harder to wait through. It makes us cringe. It makes us groan. It can make us lose heart and faith. It can depress us and make us wish even harder to the point of agony. We cannot see how fast life is flying by us. Everything is instant these days. Even waiting fifteen seconds for something to load on our devices can drive us crazy. However, when we look at our children grow, when we see the seasons change, and we watch our skin change, and wrinkles appear, and our hair begins to grey, and all the time we are thinking... I'm still young. I'm still vital. I'm still living and capable.

My childhood does not seem so far away. I can still remember what it felt like to squish the mud between my fingers and toes. The smell of the paste that we used on our first art project. We remember the way it felt to lay in the grass and feel the breeze and see shapes in the clouds.  I remember the way the bubbles felt when they "popped" in our face and made us giggle. The way that felt on our heads as we jumped, laughed and splashed in the rain puddles. How did I get so old? Where did the time go? What happened to my dreams? What happened to the time that I thought I had?  I have recently gotten in touch with my oldest and dearest friends. I see the success they have enjoyed, the families they have made and I see the amazing women that they have become. I feel so inadequate.
  There is a tug of war constantly being played between patience, and dreaming and waiting. It is agonizing. But dreaming has to be followed up with the dreaded words,"hard work".  I've heard my children say..., "I want to do..." this or that, "but I'm not good at it." They don't yet understand that you have to try, practice, and develop your skills. You have to work for it.

When I started to write my novel, I was convinced that it was good enough, even with it being my first time. I had rewritten it a couple of times, and thought it was good and that was it. I was also dreaming about being an author for as long as I could remember.  However, I barely made it through school.  I was one of those kids you hear about that slipped through the cracks. I was determined, but where do you begin. My older brother believed in me and proceeded to tell me that I should do it again. I was heartbroken and honestly a little mad. After some time passed though I thought again about what he said, and I realized that he was not telling me to give up, or that I was not good enough. He was telling me what I needed to know. He was saying that I needed to try... again... I can do it. It was good, but not ready. I'm sad to say that I am still circling that process, while taking time to get myself healthy. That is enough of a tax in itself, but I'm getting there. I hope to get back to that work soon. I even blog about my writing on my other site, but it does take a lot of work, study, practice, and so on, but I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.  Dang do I have some work to do!
  So my point is... Patience cannot progress for your good without work. We have a saying in my church also that says, "Faith without works is dead."  Well... there you go. Patience is not just a waiting game.  It cannot be. Dreams won't fall into your lap. You have to practice, learn, practice some more, and keep working hard at it. You have to keep trying, and working. You can't do one without the other.

  I  have found that dreaming is never going to be enough, but more than that I have to trust that if I do my work and my part, the Lord (that I believe in) will, in the right time, allow that dream to come true. He believes in me, because he made me. He knows what I am capable of, and knows what is good for me, what is bad for me, and when it is the right time to bless me with that dream coming true. He cannot give us some things until we have done our part. Would your employer pay you if you don't work? I don't think so. Will your skills grow without practice and education get better... to the point of recognition? Will you get to where you dream of going without the work it takes to be your best. What do you tell yourself? What do you or would you say to your children if you have them, or a niece, nephew... whatever. What would you tell them if they told you their dream? I believe that only a cruel, vicious, and small person would tell them to give up. That they were never going to get anywhere in life and nothing is ever going to go right. On the other hand, I don't think you would advise them to sit still and simply wait.
  What is it that you have to do... to make your dream come true? What is going to help your patience seem more like effort than just waiting? What is it that you will do... today... to make it happen for you? Will you be to proud to ask for help or advice?  Will you be to lazy to work at it? Will you guess at the way to accomplish your dream, or will you get the education or training that you will need to keep moving forward and stop dreaming, and finally become?  Be patient, but work hard. It will pay off... I promise.

A Quote for Today

Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in a harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Quote for Today

  You've got to follow your passion. You've got to figure out what it is you love, who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dreams.
- Oprah Winfrey

Quote of the Day from "Greatest inspirational quotes".

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
  Never give it."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

My Road to Positivity

I have a book that my daughters gave to me and I don't utilize it enough, but I love it. It is called, "Greatest Inspirational Quotes" by Dr. Joe Tichio. The theory is that if you read a quote a day for a consecutive 365 days... it will lead to happiness. I am beginning that journey, not because I have to, but because I need to. I have heard it said, throughout my life, that happiness is a choice. Personally, I always thought that was stupid saying. I did not believe that I could choose happiness, because I struggled to feel happy... always. I did not know how I could ever "really" find happiness, but then I decided to make the changes I needed to. It only took twenty-five years, but I eventually began to live for me and my family... for the first time.  Of course, it only took me just over two years of therapy, moving across the country, away from my traumatic past, and growing up to get there. I have recorded my past in this blog, and how I'm learning from it, dealing with it, and healing from it.
  So I'm on this journey and while on this journey I decided to I start posting inspirational quotes from this book on my facebook status in the effort to spread the inspiration. Facebook has become a lot more negative. It makes me sad. This is the one life we have, and it seems like too many of us waste our time with hate and disagreement. There is little love being spread.  Now, I don't know for sure if this is going to make a difference, but maybe it will... to someone.
  How great would it be if we all pulled together and love each other just a little more? Like the Nickelback song, "If Everyone Cared". Could you imagine if all mothers in the world fought a little harder for the souls of our children? What if we all tried to raise our children to be respectful of others... older or younger, black or white... everyone? What if we conducted ourselves in a way that made us feel proud of ourselves at the end of the day.
  My heart breaks when I see the news and the hate that is flowing into our streets. I am heartbroken because I am afraid for my children and their children. I am broken by the lack of compassion, sympathy, and kindness I see in the world today, but where do we begin? How do we fix this?
  I don't have all of the answers, but what I can do... all I can do... is what "I" can do.  I will raise my children to protect themselves, and not give up on the power of positivity, and love, and kindness, not to mention respect.
  I hope that with this effort I can help my children to develop a testimony of the God that I love and loves me because He does not fail us... even if the world does. I will not stop smiling. I will not stop being kind. I will not stop praying for our country, our military, my friends and family and anyone who may be suffering. I will not stop giving my love.  I will not stop striving to be a faithful daughter to my Heavenly Father. I will not say that I do not believe in humanity, in love, in my God. I just will not.
  I have lived a portion of my life where I did everything, changed everything about me... even my laugh... to fit in.  Nearly 31 years later... no one from that part of my life... is still in my life... unless I want them to be.
  However, I understand the need to do that. I understand the need to fit in, have "friends", and social groups that seem to need you. I get that! I really do. No one wants to be lonely, so we sometimes sacrifice ourselves, our values, who we are, etc... I get that too! I have been there!  However, I can guarantee that if you sacrifice who you are... you will NEVER be happy. Never.
  For me, I did not begin to feel truly happy until I started to figure out who I am.  That was my answer.  That can be your answer too. The happiest people know who they are and are proud of who they are... without the arrogance of course.
  Also, have you ever had a dream that had to be put in the attic of your heart? I have and I am still trying to dust it off, but my goal is to do just that. I want to be a published writer. I want to be a better artist. I also want to strive to be a better me so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend. I will admit that I have struggled with that for all of my life, and I have been hurt so much that I struggle to trust people, to show them who I am, to chase down and accomplish my dreams, but I am not giving up, because reaching our goals, and fulfilling our dreams make us happy.
  I am sharing this part of my life with whoever will listen because I believe that there are others out there who are struggling too.
  Unfortunately, in this world there are masks. We all wear masks. Even people in my church wear masks. There is so much pressure to be the perfect LDS woman. It breaks my heart. I see good women that I care so much about... drowning under the need to be skinny, active, involved, dressed in a trendy, stylish way. I hear, "How are you", but it is always and quickly followed by, "You look so good!" Often when someone asks how you are... they don't really want the real answer. They want the polite... gracious... fake and satisfying answer. It makes me sad. I believe that we limit ourselves by not sharing our stories, our pain. We do not let others bless your life and we don't let ourselves bless others lives. When we don't learn from history... even the history of others... we are destined to repeat it. We will repeat the pain. We allow the ones we love to continue, instead of sharing and soothing pain with love, and compassion, and empathy. We all hold onto our secrets so tightly with so much shame that it steals our life, and progress and ability to support, and help others. This makes me sad.
  I have stood by a group of sisters when they all know each other because of social connections, and after a couple moments of conversation, had the circle close, leaving me looking at their backs. I am not mad about that. I get the reasoning for things like happening. I understand the dysfunction of this life and this world, but it makes me so sad. Good, talented women struggle to feel their own self-worth. How many of us really know the people around us? Do you really know what someone has been through, or what secret pain they hold deep in their heart? Why do we find inspiration in tragic stories shared by people who want to inspire others? Why do we celebrate the talent of artists, musicians, actors, and other talented people? Why do we not share our stories, or what we have survived, or what we are good at?
  I've talked about this before, but fear is a very powerful emotion. It stops us from doing everything that we dream of doing but are afraid won't be accepted for, or good enough for. No one wants to be left out, left behind, forgotten, and lost, but the pain we hide, and ignore will break us. I was suicidal for most of my life. I know that pain. I know that loss of self, and hope. I don't want anyone to give up if my story can inspire someone and changes their mind about themselves. If I can use what I know to lift someone's spirits, give them something to hope for, inspire someone to put more effort into feeling confident about themselves.
  If I can inspire someone to not give up on their dreams or even their own self worth... then that is what I want to do. This is where I will put some of myself... right into this blog.
I don't know if this helps. I don't even know if anyone takes the time to read this, but I'm going to keep hoping. One of my many dreams is to reach across time, space, distance, and limitations to make a small difference in this life. How many people have we watched self destruct? We have to do what we can, even if that only means passing a little love with a smile when I pass you on the street. I'm going to keep trying. That is just who I am. I am not profound, or a genius, but I am just someone who has a really big heart... who cares about people around me, even if I am not very good at putting myself out there. A blog is safe, but I hope in some small way... it helps. Good luck guys, and have a great weekend.  

Comfort

  Okay, so I had kind of an epiphany this week about comfort. As long as I have known my husband he has, every time he feels stressed or upset, he would place his hands on his head and sigh. He's been very sick lately. He has a neurological condition that we are still in the process of finding a diagnosis for. (Every doctor we have talked to said that his symptoms all indicate something neurological) And I mentioned to our psychologist, who is helping us with our dysfunction (which I have openly discussed in prior posts) and she explained that at the top of our heads is a deep pressure point that is a physical comfort when gentle pressure is placed there. I also know that when a preemie baby is in distress a gently placed hand on their head can be a great comfort to them.
It was interesting that while observing people around me (in daily life) I have seen people in many different situations take this stance.
  My thinking was kind of an observation about how God, my Heavenly Father, knows this about us. In my religion when a blessing is offered for sickness, stress, or comfort for whatever is needed, even our newborn babies blessings, given by the father who is surrounded by family and friends all have something in common... the hands are always placed gently on the head during the prayer (blessing). I know this is a minor point, but it is a thought that has brought me some comfort.
  We forget that God is the one who made us, gave us life, knows us like no other can. He knows what comforts us. He knows what makes us happy, sad, angry. He knows that we will struggle in countless ways in this life. He knows us and what we might forget is that he loves us. Greater than any parent can love a child, during this life at least, and as a parent myself... I can tell you that I am the most literal mother bear when it comes to love, care, and protection of my children.

Something else that people forget is that it is not just the plan of salvation... it is the plan of happiness. I do believe that God loves us. I believe that he wants nothing more than for us to grow, love, and laugh... not to mention reach our full potential, but I also know that Satan wants nothing but our sorrow, misery, and failure. God does not cause bad to happen, but there are bad things that have to happen for our eternal growth; things that will test our faith and determination to do right in this life. That said,  I also believe that he will NEVER ask us to suffer more than we can handle. He knows our limits, but he also wants us to trust him, have faith in him, and grow in ways that we don't even know we can.  How many times have you heard that hindsight is 20/20? How many things have you, a family member or a friend survived and come out the other side better? How many of us come out worse? If we are worse... did we honestly search for God's message in our situation and life?
  God wants to comfort us. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to reach our potential. He wants us to come home with the reward he know we can receive when we return "home".
  My thought is... that God, my father in heaven, wants me to be happy, but because of what we are going to face during this life... he wants us to be comforted.

Just a thought.

Wave of Change

Hi guys. There is not really anything exciting to report, but I am feeling really hopeful about my life. I am doing hard work in physical therapy and also in emotional therapy.  It is not easy to analyze yourself and all your dysfunction, but it is what you've got to do to get better. However, at the age of 44, I am finally getting it right. I started with my most difficult issue first... my rape at age 13. Those who have been reading my posts might already know about all that, and those of you who have not read it... well it's back there. You can look it up if you want. My point of bringing it up again though is to say... I started with the hardest stuff first. Everything after that is not easy, but everything after that wasn't as hard to deal with it. It just takes a long time. You have to be ready to deal with the things that make you who you are. You have to deal with your experiences, the ones that make your heart ache, your pulse race, and your mind tangle with fear, or worry, or fills you with the uncomfortable tension that comes from keeping secrets from those you love, respect, or from the people you put your mask on for, and the ones that you change yourself to fit into their group.
I can tell you though, from experience, that you cannot live that way and have a semblance of happiness.  I changed everything about myself to fit in with the (in) crowd. I ended up running with the wrong people. I  ended up conforming to the party crowd. I changed my clothing style, my hair, my makeup, even my laugh and the way I spoke (using inappropriate language). I changed me.
It was NOT worth it. I listen to people nowadays and the language is so foul and so disgusting that I try very hard to be mindful of what I expose not just my family too, but to my control what I am exposed to. For example... I love old movies. I love old television shows. I love documentaries because nowadays the vulgarity, gratuitous sex scenes, and the subject matter and casual attitudes toward how you treat yourself, your family, your friends, and even strangers are seriously disillusioning. I remember when even the simplest of swearing was bleeped out, or taken out. I don't want to take away free speech about important matters, but I don't want my kids watching a show and hearing the "F-bomb" left and right. I don't want them to see disgusting, demeaning, or gratuitous commercials between their programs.
Now I understand that I might be called a prude, or a nut, but I promise you... I am NOT. I used all that language once upon a time. I degraded myself, sacrificed my values, and lost myself to that sort of lifestyle. I struggled with everything that our teens face and more. I was not popular in school, in fact, I did not even have a click... I was that out of it. I changed ME, and you know where it got me... NOWHERE GOOD! I lived with shame, guilt, and self-loathing to the point of attempted suicides (many times). I was miserable. I was lost, I was alone... even in a crowded room at a party. I sacrificed everything I was ever raised to believe... all to get the attention of people who... where are they now... are nowhere to be seen.
I live and almost died of shame. However, coming back around to me... I am now a great mom. I work hard to spare my children the pain and shame of my mistakes. I am making the changes that make me find myself. I am facing my demons. I am opening my heart and mind. I am untying my knots and taking off my mask. I have to if I want to be me. I am finding that I am a good person. I can be a good friend. I am a good mom and becoming a better wife. I am gutting myself to find and heal my heart and mind. I am doing my best, but like it has been said, "It is lonely being good." Isn't that sad though? Why should I be ashamed now? I have renewed my faith, my commitment to my God.
I have decided that my values are good and worth living by. Too often I see people around me using escapism to dodge those difficulties in their lives, instead of dealing and healing. It is not fair that I have to be made fun of, or be belittled, or bullied because I do not want to continue to live my life in a way that will continue to make me miserable. In my mind... that takes courage.
It takes bravery to stand up for what you believe. It takes courage to say... I want better for myself and the people I care about. How has drinking improved your life? It only got me into trouble. It put me in dangerous situations. It linked me to people who used and abused me. Why should I subject myself to that... because it makes me popular, or have friends? I lived that way... and the moment you stop living that way... you no longer fit in. No one wants to be lonely. No one wants to be left out. I get that. I lived that way too. I choose and have the right to choose another way. I do not have to excuse myself... to anyone... but there is tremendous peer pressure... even among adults... to live your life a certain way... the wrong way.. just to fit in. How sad is that? I have lived my life that way... I was absolutely MISERABLE. I was so ashamed and so full of sorrow that I dared not live.
Luckily for me... God stepped in, helped me to find love, and friendship, and blessed me with knowledge, recovery, and loving children who rock my world on a daily basis... in all the right way.
Do I have to excuse myself? Or do I live my life with freedom to live the way I have a right to? No one has the right to make me feel bad. I have all I need and none of those people who I thought were my friends are here. Not one of them.  I found love... if that makes me a loon, a nerd, a prude... then I guess I have earned the label, but it does not mean I have to be ashamed of it.
Our country was founded by good people who wanted freedom. I have been blessed with freedom of religion. I have the freedom to live my life the way I decide. I have the right to be what I want to be, but there are so many who claim to know better and to know me... my mind... and my heart. I am not doing this blog to shame anyone or belittle anyone. I am not trying to tell you how to live your life or tell you that you are making mistakes and you are wrong. I would not do that. I am simply expressing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences in hopes of reaching out to someone who might need to hear what I have to say. I DO NOT think that I am better than anyone else. I would be a fool to think that. I am only stretching my arms and opening my heart to try to comfort someone, encourage someone, inspire someone, and/or teach someone. I don't want to live with sorrow, shame, fear of my secrets being revealed... as so many of us do. And I ask... is your life making you proud, or do you find yourself living with secrets and excuses? I am not telling anyone how to live their life. I would not presume to do that. However, I am saying that if you have the courage to be true to yourself... you just might find happiness... better friends... better relationships... more joy. I am taught that my God has a plan for all of us, and it is called "The Plan Of Happiness". God does not want us to hurt, be miserable, or be weakened by our trials. He wants us to grow and experience a good life and develop yourself and your talents and lift up this life.
Look around... you see it on the news every day.  The world is becoming a miserable place. It is full of angry, self-righteous, contentious, vulgar, and rude people. Drive to a local location, be observant, watch how people interact with each other and think about what you hear, and see. Do you see kindness, consideration, love, generosity?
You have to decide... what kind of life do you want to live? What kind of teacher do want to be for those around you? I have walked a path that I would not wish anyone to traverse, but there it is.  I cannot change the past. No one can. It is done... there it is.  It is done. For me... I have learned things. I am a better me... because I not only survived, but I learned. This is the entire point of doing my blog. No one has to agree with me, but if you listen to my message and that gives you the courage to do better for yourself and your family... then I have done what I set out to do. I don't believe that God punished me with difficulties and trials, but I do believe that he had to let things happen (by my choices) to me... to teach me. He NEVER gave me more than I could handle, and I trust that he wouldn't do that to me. That does not mean that he has not taken me to the brink... the edge of my sanity, but he never let it go too far. If you have faced something horrible, but have survived... then there you are. If you told me in my youth what I would go through in the future... I would have crumbled and quit... or laughed.  We cannot know what we can handle before we face it. Why do we put ourselves through more struggle than we have to? However, who in their right mind want to accept responsibility for their choices and mistakes? Who wants to admit that what they do... impacts the life, the relationships and so on negatively. No one I know. I did not want to either.

However, in some religions, you have the opportunity and responsibility to repent or confess in order to find salvation. Even God knows that we are going to make mistakes. He knows that our carnal man is going to sometimes get the better of us. He knows that we will fail, and stumble. We have AA, and other addiction clinics to help us. We have medicines to help us, self-help books, and support groups... why? Because we all make mistakes. Why do we have to hit rock bottom before we take our own care seriously? It is because... most of the time... partying is supposed to be fun... until it no longer is. Who  is accepted more...  the man or women who is respected for admitting they had a drinking and/or drug problem and getting help to quit by entering rehab, or attending support groups and keeping a medallion on their neck or wherever that signifies the act of recovery or the person who takes a stand and decides not to allow those vices into their lives. I guarantee the person who hit rock bottom and got back up, over the weirdo who said no in the times they are offered a drink or drug. Just let that simmer a moment.
If I say I can't drink... I have a medical condition.  I will always be cut slack over someone who makes that difficult choice. It is not one person being better than another. I would never say that, but can you see my point? Our life is ours to live. I wish I could be accepted and respected by my decisions rather than be accepted only for the vices that make me more socially acceptable.  I was a smoker. When I was smoking I was accepted by people who did not want to stand outside by themselves smoking. No one wanted to stand out in the cold alone.  That is why quitting is so difficult. Smoking is not only addictive physically... which it is..., but it is also socially, and psychologically. You fit in. You have friends who bum your smokes or need your lighter and have smoking in common with you. That is the fastest way to make a friend... at least one that will last about five minutes or until a crisis arises and they can't deal with it or don't have it in themselves to help you through it. This is just my experiences. I understand getting stressed and feeling the temptation again. I am not judging anyone... not for a second. I am not... I promise, but my life since I changed all that and began to make better choices for myself. I find that food tastes better. I can smell the flowers. I can breathe. I am happier. I do not have to be a slave to my addiction. For example... I don't panic if I don't have a lighter. I don't panic because the last cigarette I was sure that I had... is not there and I have to rush to the store or borrow a smoke, or money to get more. I have been there. I know what it feels like. I get it. I do not want to live that way anymore. I want better for me. I watched my grandmother die from cancer and emphysema. I loved her dearly, but I watched her suffer, wither and die. Could her life have been longer, healthier and maybe more enjoyable? I can't help but wonder. I want more out of my life, and I do not need more friends who don't really care about me. However, I also don't want to be judged because I want to live my life the way I chose. I tried a popular lifestyle. It made me miserable. Now I am happy. That is all I can do... is tell you what I have experienced and what I have learned... for me.

I want to emphasize... this is my life and what I have learned and how I have decided to live it. I have that right. I hope that this reaches someone. I hope that someone hears me.  I hope I will give someone courage. I wish you all well, but don't dare to assume that you know my mind and my heart because I am a white/woman who you might think is middle class. We are living a disabled benefit life on a fixed income. We are just struggling along like everyone else. Some of the best friends that I have ever had were strong, faithful, black women. I see it as a privilege that they let me into their lives and I was blessed to have them in mine. I hope that whatever you are going through... you might find strength in me.