Monday, September 28, 2015

Loss of a Loved One

Sorrow... man is it hard to live with.  I  recently watched some people I care about grieve... deeply... because of the suicide of a friend of theirs.  I have also had a friend of mine watch her mother suffer, fade and finally die of cancer.  I also... still grieve the loss of my three angels who died before they really had a chance to live.  Why do we all face this suffering?  Why do these things happen to us?  
I have been taught that each of us has a season and a purpose.  I believe that.  I also have heard that we cannot have joy with out sorrow.  That there is opposition in all things.  I believe that that is a truth too, but man... it sucks.  
For example, about the same time that my friend lost her mother, I also got a notification that a friend of mine (who lives in another state) had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  He is the first for this friend and his bride who are not long out of their newlywed phase.  He is glorious.  He is true proof to me of a heaven, because he is an angel.  My point is... we all are born and we all die.  Sorrow is a natural and expected side effect of this process.  When someone is taken too soon, as mine were, and this young man was (due to suicide) it is painful, even more so because you could see their light... their potential.  That is not to say that losing someone (later in age) does not hurt.  My parents are in their seventies and I fear just as much for the day that I get the call that they are gone.  In fact, I am quite terrified of that inevitable moment.
I guess I just want those of you who are facing that moment yourselves, with whomever it may be, by however it has happened... I want you to know that I understand.  I have suffered.  I have had my heart crushed under the weight of sorrow.  I have grieved my lost dreams.  I have sorrowed over their presence in my life.  I long for their presence even now.  You are not alone.
Time helps, but a hole in the heart... will always remain.  There is no thread that can mend it completely.  
So, whatever you are going through, I am sorry.  I am so... so sorry.
And here is my advice.
1. Cry... often, and for as long as you need to.
2. Remember the good times, as much as you can.
3. Realize that (I believe) you will see them again. They are only waiting for you.
4. DO NOT let ANYONE tell you that you need to move on.  You have grieved long enough.  That is bull @&#!%+!  You take however long you need.
5. Never forget how much you loved them and how much they loved you.
Number 6 is just a suggestion, though I have found it works for me.
6. Pray deeply, often and with all your heart... you will receive comfort. I promise.  And if you have not done that before... try.
And last but not least... 7. Take care of yourself. Wake up every morning with a little gratitude in your heart for the fact that you were given another day and try to honor him/her that you lost.  They are rooting for you... just until we too go home to join them.

I know someone said once that time heals all wounds.  I think that time does heal most wounds, and it does take the sting out of it a bit, but one thing it cannot make you do is forget. I guarantee you will never forget that loved one you lost.  I believe God made that nearly impossible. I promise that it will be okay... if you give yourself time to feel, deal, grieve, and one day recover.
However, to do that you have to take care of yourself.  Grief can make you want to stop that, and that is okay... for a while, a little while... just not forever.  One day you will feel the need to decide to wash yourself, brush those parts that need brushing, and dress yourself again.  Just make sure that that is in your own time.  
I want to say though, that if you cannot recover, if you can't let go of the pain, and if you find yourself drowning in sorrow... get some help, please. There is no shame in asking for help.  I have had to.  It took a lot of time, but I am seeing results.  It is finally doing wonders for me.  Now that is not to say that I am completely better, but I am still working, practicing and trying to move forward.  
All you can do is take one day at a time.
Also, I am  not a doctor, I am not a psychologist, but I am just a survivor, who has had to dance with death more times than I would like to admit.  But I am here, and I am still moving forward even if it is one step at a time.  You can do it too.  Just give yourself some time.
Sorrow has a horrible way of making us happy for the good times and sad for the bad, but all of it is survivable.  Just hang in there.  Hold tight to those you love and who love you and do your best.  If to day is not a day for your best, then give what you can, but don't give up. Tomorrow is always a chance to try again.  Hang in there my friends.  This too shall pass.