Monday, November 27, 2017

A Giggle For A Monday

I absolutely love, The Farside. It is still one of my most favorite comic series. There is so much seriousness in this life that we have to find ways to laugh. This strip has gotten me through a ton of tough times. I just wanted to share a giggle. Have a great week guys.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Another Big Loss for Our Family

  Our pets are special spirits here on earth and no matter how little or how much time we get with them we are blessed. Vladimir was special even among dogs. However, being a giant breed comes with some difficulties. Most are healthy and strong, but we learned, quite suddenly, that they can develop structural heart problems. His arteries began to dilate, while his veins weakened. His heart began to enlarge and he developed Cardiomyopathy. Ironically, I have the same condition. He simply began to get weak. He was losing balance and then stopped walking all together (over just a couple of days). He simply could not get up. We took him to the vet and then to the Emergency Hospital. I thank God for those wonderful people who devote their time to these wonderful spirits. They took such good care of him, and it was all simply our of our hands. The Cardiologist was out of town, and we had to come to the quick decision about what was best for him. It is easy to be selfish in these cases, but we decided to end his suffering, although the doctor believed he would not make it much longer... even with intervention.  Our neighbor and his family was kind enough to bring two of our children, the ones who needed to come (the others finding it too difficult) up to the hospital. He waited for them, as his body was already beginning to fail. Minutes felt like hours. His heart simply could not sustain his huge body. It was another horrible tragedy for our family.
  I have to tell you though that even though, like our children, we only had him for four short years, we would not give back that time for anything. He was the dearest, sweetest, drooliest, and most loving creature I have ever had the privilege to love. I thank God that he was ours, and will be waiting for us too one day. We love you Vlad always and forever. Rest in Peace big guy! We miss you so much. 

Friday, October 6, 2017

Monday, August 28, 2017


Do we listen? Do we know?

Do we listen to those who have come before us? Do we learn from the history that was our ancestors path? Do we thin that we know better than those who have come before us?  Do we think these problems that we face... that stem from human nature... are new? They are not. We are destined to repeat what mistakes we have already made, because we continue to make them... over and over again.  I do and have. It wasn't until I took a good hard look, an analytical look at my mistakes that I began to heal and learn. We are not struggling with new trials, we are not making new mistakes. We have a human nature, with human frailties. We would rather blame others than look at ourselves. It's easier to blame others. But what we don't realize is that blame gets us nowhere.
  We make excuses. We make endless excuses. We don't want to look for the reasons, because that would mean that we would have to look at ourselves. We would have to face our traumas, our bad memories, our trials, and our own guilt.  We can't have that. We use escapisms. Can you think of any. I can think of a few, like alcohol, shopping, the need for branding (nothing is good enough unless it is the greatest, newest and most popular item you can wear, scent yourself with, drive, or show off with).  We create stress. We create images and stylize ourselves. We worship celebrities, musicians, and social media stars. We admire those who are different, or unique, but work like we are driven by devils to become them. We do not work to improve ourselves, to see what it is that we can offer the world. 
  We have those who settle, those who succeed, those who thrive and love themselves, and those who lack the courage to do anything to rock the boat, or find their talents and skills. They don't believe that they can do it, or have the time, or the ability.  Or like me, they've been beat down so many times that we don't believe in ourselves anymore. We are the ones who have the most potential, the most to share, but we are afraid. We have been bullied by family, "friends", bullies, and cruel judgers.  We are the suicidal, depressed, and scared. We don't know what to do, and we are afraid that if we try we will either fail, or not "fit in". It is a horrible, depressing, suffocating state of mind. It is a state of being that makes everything feel impossible.
  I have seen good men and women fall. I have seen clever, talented, loving, creative people die inside and give up. I have seen people born into unbelievable circumstances over come everything to become great... the greatest. I have seen and worn the masks that we all wear. The ones that make it look as if everything okay, when inside your anxiety, hurt, anger, shyness, and lack of self-esteem is ripping us apart. 
  I talk about these things because as my husband has said, I am an observer. However, I am also a survivor, not of just the trials, traumas, sorrows, belittlers, and horrors of my life, but I have also survived all of the side effects of those events, the sorrow, depression, and anxiety. This is not an easy life. This is not a life to be wasted on the superficial. It is too short. My son had only three years and nine months to live it. My daughter only had twenty months to live it. Another of my daughters never took her first breath. Now my husband is struggling with a disease that will eventually take his life as well. He is only forty-six, and he is wasting away. We have no idea how long he has... no one does... but we try to make each day the best that we can. 
  I've lived a life with God as my Father. Then I ran away from Him. I lived a life without Him, long enough to know that there would never be hope again.  It is not the way that I wanted to live. I found my way back into His good graces and I found hope again, love again, and acceptance for the first time. I quickly learned that you cannot attend church for the people. People will fail you. People will wear a different kind of mask. The hearts of "men" will fail them. I had to learn how to go... for me, and for my relationship with God, and what I could learn about Him, me, and my family, and how we could be eternal.  I believe that three of my seven children were taken to teach me to have an eternal perspective.  I have found that I cannot live without hope of an afterlife, an eternal reward without them. I simply cannot! I defy anyone who thinks that they can take that hope from me, because it will not happen! My heart is strong. I may struggle with my communication. I may struggle to keep my temper. I may struggle to see my own worth, but the worth of my children, my husband... no one can change that.  They are a gift to me... from my God.
  Do not think for a second that I would devalue your God, or what your belief system is. I do not know your God, or what you have been through.  I don't devalue anyones experiences, or thoughts, because they are your own. Also, because I know that my heart is an ocean, one that I have not explored fully yet, I can imagine that your heart is an ocean as well.  Two people could have the same exact moment, the same exact experience, and yet they will take from it a unique thought, a unique feeling, and probably a very different memory.  We do not do ourselves justice to judge like we know anything about each other for a fact.
  We all walk around wearing masks, remaining silent, allowing those around us to make their judgements, but never do we realize that others are wearing masks too.  How often do we consider, even for a moment, that others have their own pain, their own reasons, their own insecurities, and our own life lessons. We often look at each other without the least degree of compassion.
  Our skin, our background, our education, our memories, our experiences, our opinions, our ideas, our beliefs, our talents, and our thoughts all make us who we are. After that, we have to decide how we will use all of that information. We cannot presume to know someone, because we have seen them for a moment. We just can't. We are all hiding something. We are all living with some level of insecurity. We are all struggling to make our way on a dark path, because we cannot know our future. We cannot know more than we find out or are told. Ultimately, we have to be fair, forgiving and do our best to survive, learn, grow, and do our best to change into the people we want to be.  We can also teach and encourage others along the way.  We just have to believe that we can do it if we try.  We have to believe that we are worth being the best we can be. We all deserve happiness, peace, and love. My God does not want us to fail. He does not want us to hurt. He does want us to grow. He wants us to do our best. He wants us to find our potential.  However, you have to hurry... we are not promised tomorrow.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Passionate Emotions and Strength

  This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I have always been emotional, and I have always believed (by design) that it was not an honorable thing to "rock the boat". What I have learned about myself, though, is that I am in possession of a very large heart. I have a heart that loves deeply, feels deeply, and is hurt easily. It is not easy for me to hold it all in. I also had a long hard history of trusting without second thought. I was trusting to the point of gullibility. It was a painful lesson that gave me an extremely thick skin, though anyone who can relate to this problem would understand, I can still be hurt... easily and terribly.
I have recently learned in therapy that people think that the opposite of happiness is anger, but it is not. It is indifference. I feel passionately about those I love. My heart is an ocean deeper and more vast than any made of water. I have more love and passion than I can ever express. There are times when I want to let them loose, but I'm afraid that if I did... I would never be able to contain them again. I would be burned alive by their force. I've learned hard lessons, and because of that I still struggle to show them. I have gone too far the other way now. My emotions still frighten me, but I am learning, and I am praying for help to be able to share that side of myself more easily to those in my family who deserve to receive it. I try to imagine what i could do with such powerful passion, but to be honest... it still scares me. I need to work on that. I am was created by God, and if he made me this way... there must be a purpose to it.
  I have faced tremendous loss, loss of innocence, loss of three of my children, and loss of friendship. Those types of losses can be difficult to overcome and even more difficult to recover from. I have an incredible amount of love. I have an incredible amount of faith. I have an incredible amount of devotion to my family and those I care about, even if they do not return it. I have lived a hard and troubled life and came around to the other side. I am stronger, but I am still afraid of opening my heart completely. Pandora's got nothing on me. Obviously I still have work to do, but a place of compassion and empathy is my home. It saddens me that the world is so cynical. I am saddened by the closed minded attitudes of intolerance and judgement that are wielded like weapons in society.  I pray that I can teach my children to think differently than the rest of the world. I hope that my heart will get the chance to change the lives of those I come into contact with. My heart aches for those who get no compassion in this world, especially from those who are supposed to love you the most... family.  I pray that prayer will continue to change lives through compassion and love.  
So my thoughts... if you are emotional, but believe that you are a good person at heart, despite what others might feel about you, I ask that you figure out what it is about you that makes you worth knowing, and allow your talents, love, and passion shine forth to change the world. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and if you struggle like I do. Keep praying, and get help. Therapy is changing the way I see myself, my thoughts, my experiences, and life's purpose. Live, laugh, love, and don't be ashamed. Find strength in yourself, and let your wings spread and soar. You are a child of God, and he made you knowing what you are capable of. Figure out how to believe in him and yourself and above all... do not let anyone convince you that you are less than.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Believe, Grow and Learn From What We Already Know... With Respect

  I don't know why, but today is a hard day. I am struggling with the way of the world. I feel like there is so much pain, so much darkness, and so much sorrow. If it does not happen here. If it does not happen to you... we ignore it. Why? We only have time for ourselves even though we are all facing trauma, depression, and struggle. I don't understand why it is so hard to see beyond ourselves and ask for help, or offer it, if we can. It is frustrating to see the ones we love struggle, but how often do we offer to help, or reach out in kindness and love. How often do we look the other way, even though we know that someone is in danger of hurting themselves or others.  Why do we look away?
  I believe in a Heavenly Father, my God, and it brings me comfort, but some would call me a fool. Some would call me ignorant, or tell me that God is only imaginary, a falseness that I am forcing on others. People judge before they know me. How dare they!
  I am so glad to live in this country, because of the fact that I have the right to believe what I want. However, there are plenty of people who would ridicule me, and persecute me. Why? What gives them the right?
  I talk about my faith in order to express the love I have for my family, and my God. If that helps someone then I am happy about it, but I would never force someone to learn about me or my beliefs. I am blessed in my own way, in my own mind and my own heart and my own life. I am happy, because of my belief. I am happy, because my God makes me hope and makes me strong. I don't want a life without that comfort and hope, and I don't want others to tell me how I should think or live. We have had that kind of persecution in the past and I fear that it is being forgotten. Genocide is a horrible result of intolerance and ignorance.
Why do we allow others to persecute us, and even commit horrible crimes against us, just because we choose to believe in something greater than ourselves? What gives anyone the right to hurt others, because they don't agree? Today, around the world, genocide is happening again, but do we notice? Do we care? Or are we worried about what party, bar, or nightclub we are going to go to this weekend? Are we worried about our outfit, or whether we are popular or not? Everyone has a right to find happiness however they want to, but I cannot help it if I feel sad that a life is drown in the superficial needs of this life. However, with that said, I will say that I will not tell you that your life is being lived wrong, because that is not my place, unless you are hurting yourself or someone else.
  I had a dear friend who had a very special boy who was completely dependent on her for everything, plus three other glorious children. She once, in passing, said that she does not have the time or energy to pay attention to the problems beyond her four walls, because she had enough to handle. I understand that. I too isolate myself to spare myself the stress and anxiety, but should I?
  All you have to do is watch the news to understand that what I am saying is true. That's all you have to do. This world is getting scary. This world is entering a new age of ignorance, selfishness, persecution and even sanctioned murder. If someone disagrees with you. If someone believes that their life is more important than yours. If you are struggling and someone has something that you want. If you love someone that other's don't think you should. If you believe in a God and a religion that others don't see as acceptable, and even for reasons that are less than this... people are dying... all around the world.
"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
No truer words have been said. I feel like every day I am watching that very thing happen. I think we are forgetting. I really believe that we are forgetting, but what do we do? Where do we start? How about in our own homes. Out of the mouths of babes we can hear what we need to do. Anne Frank said, "How lovely to think that no one need wait a moment, we can start now, start slowly changing the world."
  We have to begin at home. Where did we learn about life, relationships, values, and morals. Too often parents want to be their child's friends, to relive some of their youth, to be popular, and to have their kids "like" them. Our job is to teach our children to be good adults one day. We are responsible for raising these little people to be the best that they can be, to find their potential and make this world a better place. Each generation works to be better than the last, but this generation seems to be struggling. Intolerance, bullying, persecution, and division. It is maddening.  Our nation is divided and it saddens me. We built this country to try to live a better, freer life.  We seem to be losing our humanity. I am LDS. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are nicknamed "Mormon", but it is only a nickname. We are told that we do not believe in Jesus Christ, but it is in our name. We have... throughout history we have been persecuted, but still we stand. Now... that is not to say that we don't have extremists who have taken righteousness to extremes and believe that they have the right to judge anyone who does not believe, or behave as they do. It is a struggle that we all face... the urge to judge what we don't understand, or don't approve of, only it happens on both sides. We are judged for our faith and beliefs, and we judge others for their behavior, or looks. It is crazy the way that we persecute each other. Bullying is NOT a necessary part of growing up. It cannot be anymore.

There is value to all of us. No two people are alike, not even twins. Our thoughts, our experiences, and what we take from them and how they change us. Those are all ours.  Our dreams and our hopes, our faith, and our beliefs... all of it. We worship celebrities. We stand in awe of the rich, and the popular. We fall apart just to be around them. We cry and scream just at the sight of them. We value the talented. We adore the music they make, the songs they sing, the art they create, the personality and skill that make it fun to watch them, but is that all there is? Are we so consumed with the superficial that we forget our own potential? We have the potential to be the kings and queens of promise. ( I love that line from the song, "30 Seconds to Mars", Kings and Queens). I believe that is true. We have a potential that is open and endless. However, we limit ourselves, because even though we worship those who are unique and have special talents and abilities, and charismatic personalities, we bully, persecute, and belittle those who are meek, nerdy, educated, different with special needs and illness, or are shy and unpopular.  Why?
  Because of my faith... the faith that is sometimes mocked... I am more tolerant, more loving, my heart is fuller, my judgement (something that I continue to work on) is less stinging, my compassion is deeper, my empathy is sweeter, and my life used is being used for greater purpose than I once dreamed possible. What have you dreamed about? What legacy do you want to leave? What goals can you make that will make you a better you? Who can you see... really see... for who they are, not what you can get from them. You need to step away from what the world tells you is acceptable, and find the real you. We are potential kings and queens... I promise.
Please don't let those who need you fail or fall. Don't think ony of what you need. Try to think about how you can be a better you and make this a better world. Don't belittle what you cannot or do not understand. Find out from the source, not the rumors, or haters. There are so many people out there who make it their soul purpose to hate, and maline those who believe what they do not understand. If you want to know what a "Mormon" believes... just ask. Don't automatically assume that the negative things put out by trolls and haters are true and gospel. Just ask. We are supposed to be this secret society, but we have young men and women roaming the earth offering knowledge, faith, and guidance to knowledge and understanding.  If there is a disaster... our church offers support.  We find a family in crisis, struggling... and we help them. We believe in a Savior, Jesus Christ, and we believe in a Heavenly Father that not only loves us, but created us, and instilled in us infinite potential for whatever we can dream.
  I feel blessed to have something bigger than myself to believe in. I feel blessed to be loved. I feel blessed that someone knows and loves me without end and believes in me, even when I cannot believe in myself. He is my light in my dark place and my joy in the depths of my depression. I cannot live without the hope of something better. I cannot live, having lost three of my treasures without believing that they went to a better home, a place where there is knowledge, joy, and no more illness, and no more suffering. It is always the only way I can wake up in the morning, but there are still those who would tell me I am a fool. I watched three of my children suffer and die, leaving this mortal coil. No one has the right to tell me that my belief and faith are stupid, wrong, or misguided. No one. I want everyone within the sound of my voice, with the ability to read my words to know that they are loved, that they have potential beyond their imagining, and can make the sky the limit. We have walked on the moon. We have created history for centuries. We have overcome the horrors of this life. We are potential. We are the kings and queens of promise (thanks 30 Seconds to Mars for that). We can do better. I know we can. We cannot allow ourselves to fail.
  Just imagine if for one day... everyone cared. Imagine that all mother's... all over the world, in every culture, every walk of life, rich or poor... made it our goal to raise our children with love, hope, encouragement, and value. Just imagine what we could do with this world and this life. I wish you luck and with my faith I pray for you all, even if you think I'm a fool. I respect your right to believe as you wish. I just ask that you allow me to believe as I wish. I won't throw stones... if you don't. 😊

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quote and Life Update of a Sort

"It is the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Image may contain: 1 person, textMy husband's health has been spiraling out of control for the last six to eight months and continues to grow more and more difficult to manage. Today was a good and difficult day for my husband and I. We met his new G.P. He is an incredible man and a wonderful blessing, especially at this stage in our life, but it was also difficult because we added a few more concerns to our growing list of medical problems.I am watching him change so quickly that it is truly frightening. The one consolations is that his new doctor is that he is taking Tony's health very seriously. He has made a commitment to help us figure this out. However, I am terrified. I am so scared by what may come for Tony in the future. It is a rough beginning of what promises to continue to be a serious ordeal. This is not going to be easy... period. At best we are looking at Parkinson's... at worst... we are going to combine that possibility with one or more other deadly illnesses. That they are trying to weed out. It just does not look like we have much chance of this being easy, or slow in progressing. (I won't say what they are looking for, because we are still in the search and diagnose stage), but I will say, "This sucks!" It is hard to hold onto hope, but I'm not the panicking kind. So I'm going to pray.
I love you Tony. I will be here for you... come what may. I promise. I thank God for preparing us for the worst. I think that wisdom will help us now.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Patience and Dreaming

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.
- Unknown 💕

  Patience is a virtue that is agonizing to develop, grow, and nurture. It is very difficult to see the forest for the trees. How often do we  have to look at our trials in hindsight before we can see the purpose in our trials. How often do we struggle, kick, and rail against the life we are living, the circumstances we are in, or the consequences of choices that we have made?      Patience is a word that if you shout it in a crowded room would have to hold on to something bolted down, because you will be blown away by the sighs let out by the crowd in front of you.
Patience is hard to develop and even harder to wait through. It makes us cringe. It makes us groan. It can make us loose heart and faith. It can depress us and make us wish even harder to the point of agony. We cannot see how fast life is flying by us. Everything is instant these days. Even waiting fifteen seconds for something to load on our devices can drive us crazy. However, when we look at our children grow, when we see the seasons change, and we watch our skin change, and wrinkles appear, and our hair begins to grey, and all the time we are thinking... I'm still young. I'm still vital. I'm still living and capable.
My childhood does not seem so far away. I can still remember what it felt like to squish the mud between my fingers and toes. The smell of the paste that we used on our first art project. We remember the way it felt to lay in the grass and feel the breeze and see shapes in the clouds.  I remember the way the bubbles felt when they "popped" in our face and made us giggle. The way that rain felt on our heads as we jumped, laughed, and splashed in the rain puddles. How did I get so old? Where did the time go? What happened to my dreams? What happened to the time that I thought I had?  I have recently gotten in touch with my oldest and dearest friends. I see the success they have enjoyed, the families they have made and I see the amazing women that they have become. I feel so inadequate.
  There is a tug of war constantly being played between patience, and dreaming and waiting. It is agonizing. But dreaming has to be followed up with the dreaded words,"hard work".  I've heard my children say..., "I want to do..." this or that, "but I'm not good at it." They don't yet understand that you have to try, practice, and develop your skills. You have to work for it.
When I started to write my novel, I was convinced that it was good enough, even with it being my first time. I had rewritten it a couple of times, and thought it was good and that was it. I was also dreaming about being an author for as long as I could remember.  However, I barely made it through school.  I was one of those kids you hear about that slipped through the cracks. I was determined, but where do you begin. My older brother believed in me and proceeded to tell me that I should do it again. I was heartbroken and honestly a little mad. After some time passed though I thought again about what he said, and I realized that he was not telling me to give up, or that I was not good enough. He was telling me what I needed to know. He was saying that I needed to try... again... I can do it. It was good, but not ready. I'm sad to say that I am still circling that process, while taking time to get myself healthy. That is enough of a tax in itself, but I'm getting there. I hope to get back to that work soon. I even blog about my writing on my other site, but it does take a lot of work, study, practice, and so on, but I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.  Dang do I have some work to do!
  So my point is... Patience cannot progress for your good without work. We have a saying in my church also that says, "Faith without works is dead."  Well... there you go. Patience is not just a waiting game.  It cannot be. Dreams won't fall into your lap. You have to practice, learn, practice some more, and keep working hard at it. You have to keep trying, and working. You can't do one without the other.
  I  have found that dreaming is never going to be enough, but more than that I have to trust that if I do my work and my part, the Lord (that I believe in) will, in the right time, allow that dream to come true. He believes in me, because he made me. He knows what I am capable of, and knows what is good for me, what is bad for me, and when it is the right time to bless me with that dream coming true. He cannot give us some things until we have done our part. Would your employer pay you if you don't work? I don't think so. Will your skills grow without practice and education get better... to the point of recognition? Will you get to where you dream of going without the work it takes to be your best. What do you tell yourself? What do you or would you say to your children if you have them, or a niece, nephew... whatever. What would you tell them if they told you their dream? I believe that only a cruel, vicious, and small person would tell them to give up. That they were never going to get anywhere in life and nothing is ever going to go right. On the other hand I don't think you would advise them to sit still and simply wait.
  What is it that you have to do... to make your dream come true? What is going to help your patience seem more like effort than just waiting? What is it that you will do... today... to make it happen for you? Will you be to proud to ask for help or advice?  Will you be to lazy to work at it? Will you guess at the way to accomplish your dream, or will you get the education or training that you will need to keep moving forward and stop dreaming, and finally become?  Be patient, but work hard. It will pay off... I promise.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

A Quote for Today

Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in a harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Quote for Today

  You've got to follow your passion. You've got to figure out what it is you love, who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dreams.
- Oprah Winfrey

Friday, February 10, 2017

Quote of the Day from "Greatest inspirational quotes".

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
  Never give it."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

My Road to Positivity

I have a book that my daughters gave to me and I don't utilize it enough, but I love it. It is called, "Greatest Inspirational Quotes" by Dr. Joe Tichio. The theory is that if you read a quote a day for a consecutive 365 days... it will lead to happiness. I am beginning that journey, not because I have to, but because I need to. I have heard it said, throughout my life, that happiness is a choice. Personally, I always thought that was stupid saying. I did not believe that I could choose happiness, because I struggled to feel happy... always. I did not know how I could ever "really" find happiness, but then I decided to make the changes I needed to. It only took twenty-five years, but I eventually began to live for me and my family... for the first time.  Of course it only took me just over two years of therapy, moving across the country, away from my traumatic past, and growing up to get there. I have recorded my past in this blog, and how I'm learning from it, dealing with it, and healing from it.
  So I'm on this journey and while on this journey I decided to I start posting inspirational quotes from this book on my facebook status in effort to spread the inspiration. Facebook has become a lot more negative. It makes me sad. This is the one life we have, and it seems like too many of us waste our time with hate and disagreement. There is little love being spread.  Now, I don't know for sure if this is going to make a difference, but maybe it will... to someone.
  How great would it be if we all pulled together and love each other just a little more? Like the Nickelback song, "If Everyone Cared". Could you imagine if all mothers in the world fought a little harder for the souls of our children. What if we all tried to raise our children to be respectful of others... older or younger, black or white... everyone? What if we conducted ourselves in a way that made us feel proud of ourselves at the end of the day.
  My heart breaks when I see the news and the hate that is flowing into our streets. I am heart broken because I am afraid for my children and their children. I am broken by the lack of compassion, sympathy, and kindness I see in the world today, but where do we begin? How do we fix this?
  I don't have all of the answers, but what I can do... all I can do... is what "I" can do.  I will raise my children to protect themselves, and not give up on the power of positivity, and love, and kindness, not to mention respect.
  I hope that with this effort I can help my children to develop a testimony of the God that I love and loves me, because He does not fail us... even if the world does. I will not stop smiling. I will not stop being kind. I will not stop praying for our country, our military, my friends and family and anyone who may be suffering. I will not stop giving my love.  I will not stop striving to be a faithful daughter to my Heavenly Father. I will not say that I do not believe in humanity, in love, in my God. I just will not.
  I have lived a portion of my life where I did everything, changed everything about me... even my laugh... to fit in.  Nearly 31 years later... no one from that part of my life... are still in my life... unless I want them to be.
  However, I understand the need to do that. I understand the need to fit in, have "friends", and social groups that seem to need you. I get that! I really do. No one wants to be lonely, so we sometimes sacrifice ourselves, our values, who we are, etc... I get that too! I have been there!  However, I can guarantee that if you sacrifice who you are... you will NEVER be happy. Never.
  For me, I did not begin to feel truly happy until I started to figure out who I am.  That was my answer.  That can be your answer too. The happiest people know who they are and are proud of who they are... without arrogance of course.
  Also, have you ever had a dream that had to be put in the attic of your heart? I have and I am still trying to dust it off, but my goal is to do just that. I want to be a published writer. I want to be a better artist. I also want to strive to be a better me so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend. I will admit that I have struggled with that for all of my life,and I have been hurt so much that I struggle to trust people, to show them who I am, to chase down and accomplish my dreams, but I am not giving up, because reaching our goals, and fulfilling our dreams make us happy.
  I am sharing this part of my life with whoever will listen, because I believe that there are others out there who are struggling too.
  Unfortunately, in this world there are masks. We all wear masks. Even people in my church wear masks. There is so much pressure to be the perfect lds woman. It breaks my heart. I see good women that I care so much about... drowning under the need to be skinny, active, involved, dressed in a trendy, stylish way. I hear, "How are you", but it is always and quickly followed by, "You look so good!" Often when someone ask how you are... they don't really want the real answer. They want the polite... gracious... fake and satisfying answer. It makes me sad. I believe that we limit ourselves by not sharing our stories, our pain. We do not let others bless your life and we don't let ourselves bless others lives. When we don't learn from history... even the history of others... we are destined to repeat it. We will repeat the pain. We allow the ones we love to continue, instead of sharing and soothing pain with love, and compassion, and empathy. We all hold onto our secrets so tightly with so much shame that it steals our life, and progress and ability to support, and help others. This makes me sad.
  I have stood by a group of sisters when they all know each other because of social connections, and after a couple moments of conversation, had the circle close, leaving me looking at their backs. I am not mad about that. I get the reasoning for things like happening. I understand the dysfunction of this life and this world, but it makes me so sad. Good, talented women struggle to feel their own self worth. How many of us really know the people around us? Do you really know what someone has been through, or what secret pain they hold deep in their heart? Why do we find inspiration in tragic stories shared by people who want to inspire others? Why do we celebrate the talent of artists, musicians, actors, and other talented people? Why do we not share our stories, or what we have survived, or what we are good at?
  I've talked about this before, but fear is a very powerful emotion. It stops us from doing everything that we dream of doing but are afraid won't be accepted for, or good enough for. No one wants to be left out, left behind, forgotten, and lost, but the pain we hide, and ignore will break us. I was suicidal for most of my life. I know that pain. I know that loss of self, and hope. I don't want anyone to give up if my story can inspire someone and changes their mind about themselves. If I can use what I know to lift someone's spirits, give them something to hope for, inspire someone to put more effort into feeling confident about themselves.
  If I can inspire someone to not give up on their dreams or even their own self worth... then that is what I want to do. This is where I will put some of myself... right into this blog.
I don't know if this helps. I don't even know if anyone takes the time to read this, but I'm going to keep hoping. One of my many dreams is to reach across time, space, distance, and limitations to make a small difference in this life. How many people have we watched self destruct? We have to do what we can, even if that only means passing a little love with a smile when I pass you on the street. I'm going to keep trying. That is just who I am. I am not profound, or a genius, but I am just someone who has a really big heart... who cares about people around me, even if I am not very good at putting myself out there. A blog is safe, but I hope in some small way... it helps. Good luck guys, and have a great weekend.  

Friday, January 6, 2017


  Okay, so I had kind of an epiphany this week about comfort. As long as I have known my husband he has, every time he feels stressed or upset, he would place his hands on his head and sigh. He's been very sick lately. He has a neurological condition that we are still in the process of finding a diagnosis for. (Every doctor we have talked to said that his symptoms all indicate something neurological) And I mentioned to our psychologist, who is helping us with our dysfunction (which I have openly discussed in prior posts) and she explained that at the top of our heads is a deep pressure point that is a physical comfort when gentle pressure is placed there. I also know that when a preemie baby is in distress a gently placed hand on their head can be a great comfort to them.
It was interesting that while observing people around me (in daily life) I have seen people in many different situations take this stance.
  My thinking was kind of an observation about how God, my Heavenly Father, knows this about us. In my religion when a blessing is offered for sickness, stress, or comfort for whatever is needed, even our newborn babies blessings, given by the father who is surrounded by family and friends all have something  in common... the hands are always placed gently on the head during the prayer (blessing). I know this is a minor point, but it is a thought that has brought me some comfort.
  We forget that God is the one who made us, gave us life, knows us like no other can. He knows what comforts us. He knows what makes us happy, sad, angry. He knows that we will struggle in countless ways in this life. He knows us and what we might forget is that he loves us. Greater than any parent can love a child, during this life at least, and as a parent myself... I can tell you that I am the most literal mother bear when it comes to the love, care, and protection of my children.
Something else that people forget is that it is not just the plan of salvation... it is the plan of happiness. I do believe that God loves us. I believe that he wants nothing more than for us to grow, love, and laugh... not to mention reach our full potential, but I also know that Satan wants nothing but our sorrow, misery, and failure. God does not cause bad to happen, but there are bad things that have to happen for our eternal growth; things that will test our faith and determination to do right in this life. That said,  I also believe that he will NEVER ask us to suffer more than we can handle. He knows our limits, but he also wants us to trust him, have faith in him, and grow in ways that we don't even know we can.  How many times have you heard that hindsight is 20/20? How many things have you, a family member, or a friend survived and come out the other side better? How many of us come out worse? If we are worse... did we honestly search for God's message in our situation and life?
  God wants to comfort us. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to reach our potential. He wants us to come home with the reward he know we can receive when we return "home".
  My thought is... that God, my father in heaven, wants me to be happy, but because of what we are going to face during this life... he wants us to be comforted.
Just a thought.