Do we listen to those who have come before us? Do we learn from the history that was our ancestors' path? Do we think that we know better than those who have come before us? Do we think these problems that we face... that stem from human nature... are new? They are not. We are destined to repeat what mistakes we have already made because we continue to make them... over and over again. I do and have. It wasn't until I took a good hard look, an analytical look at my mistakes that I began to heal and learn. We are not struggling with new trials, we are not making new mistakes. We have a human nature, with human frailties. We would rather blame others than look at ourselves. It's easier to blame others. But what we don't realize is that blame gets us nowhere.
We make excuses. We make endless excuses. We don't want to look for the reasons, because that would mean that we would have to look at ourselves. We would have to face our traumas, our bad memories, our trials, and our own guilt. We can't have that. We use escapism. Can you think of any? I can think of a few, like alcohol, shopping, the need for branding (nothing is good enough unless it is the greatest, newest and most popular item you can wear, scent yourself with, drive, or show off with). We create stress. We create images and stylize ourselves. We worship celebrities, musicians, and social media stars. We admire those who are different, or unique but work like we are driven by devils to become them. We do not work to improve ourselves, to see what it is that we can offer the world. 
We have those who settle, those who succeed, those who thrive and love themselves, and those who lack the courage to do anything to rock the boat or find their talents and skills. They don't believe that they can do it, or have the time, or the ability. Or like me, they've been beaten down so many times that we don't believe in ourselves anymore. We are the ones who have the most potential, the most to share, but we are afraid. We have been bullied by family, "friends", bullies, and cruel judges. We are the suicidal, depressed, and scared. We don't know what to do, and we are afraid that if we try we will either fail or not "fit in". It is a horrible, depressing, suffocating state of mind. It is a state of being that makes everything feel impossible.
I talk about these things because as my husband has said, I am an observer. However, I am also a survivor, not of just the trials, traumas, sorrows, belittlers, and horrors of my life, but I have also survived all of the side effects of those events, the sorrow, depression, and anxiety. This is not an easy life. This is not a life to be wasted on the superficial. It is too short. My son had only three years and nine months to live it. My daughter only had twenty months to live it. Another of my daughters never took her first breath. Now my husband is struggling with a disease that will eventually take his life as well. He is only forty-six, and he is wasting away. We have no idea how long he has... no one does... but we try to make each day the best that we can. 
I've lived a life with God as my Father. Then I ran away from Him. I lived a life without Him, long enough to know that there would never be hope again. It is not the way that I wanted to live. I found my way back into His good graces and I found hope again, love again, and acceptance for the first time. I quickly learned that you cannot attend church for the people. People will fail you. People will wear a different kind of mask. The hearts of "men" will fail them. I had to learn how to go... for me, and for my relationship with God, and what I could learn about Him, me, and my family, and how we could be eternal. I believe that three of my seven children were taken to teach me to have an eternal perspective. I have found that I cannot live without the hope of an afterlife, an eternal reward without them. I simply cannot! I defy anyone who thinks that they can take that hope from me because it will not happen! My heart is strong. I may struggle with my communication. I may struggle to keep my temper. I may struggle to see my own worth, but the worth of my children, my husband... no one can change that. They are a gift to me... from my God.
Do not think for a second that I would devalue your God, or what your belief system is. I do not know your God, or what you have been through. I don't devalue anyone's experiences, or thoughts, because they are your own. Also, because I know that my heart is an ocean, one that I have not explored fully yet, I can imagine that your heart is an ocean as well. Two people could have the same exact moment, the same exact experience, and yet they will take from it a unique thought, a unique feeling, and probably a very different memory. We do not do ourselves justice to judge like we know anything about each other for a fact.
We all walk around wearing masks, remaining silent, allowing those around us to make their judgments but never do we realize that others are wearing masks too. How often do we consider, even for a moment, that others have their own pain, their own reasons, their own insecurities, and our own life lessons? We often look at each other without the least degree of compassion.
I have faced tremendous loss, loss of innocence, loss of three of my children, and loss of friendship. Those types of losses can be difficult to overcome and even more difficult to recover from. I have an incredible amount of love. I have an incredible amount of faith. I have an incredible amount of devotion to my family and those I care about, even if they do not return it. I have lived a hard and troubled life and came around to the other side. I am stronger, but I am still afraid of opening my heart completely. Pandora's got nothing on me. Obviously, I still have work to do, but a place of compassion and empathy is my home. It saddens me that the world is so cynical. I am saddened by the closed minded attitudes of intolerance and judgment that are wielded like weapons in society. I pray that I can teach my children to think differently than the rest of the world. I hope that my heart will get the chance to change the lives of those I come into contact with. My heart aches for those who get no compassion in this world, especially from those who are supposed to love you the most... family. I pray that prayer will continue to change lives through compassion and love. 
I don't know why, but today is a hard day. I am struggling with the way of the world. I feel like there is so much pain, so much darkness, and so much sorrow. If it does not happen here. If it does not happen to you... we ignore it. Why? We only have time for ourselves even though we are all facing trauma, depression, and struggle. I don't understand why it is so hard to see beyond ourselves and ask for help or offer it if we can. It is frustrating to see the ones we love struggle, but how often do we offer to help, or reach out in kindness and love. How often do we look the other way, even though we know that someone is in danger of hurting themselves or others? Why do we look away?
I believe in a Heavenly Father, my God, and it brings me comfort, but some would call me a fool. Some would call me ignorant, or tell me that God is only imaginary, a falseness that I am forcing on others. People judge before they know me. How dare they!
Why do we allow others to persecute us, and even commit horrible crimes against us, just because we choose to believe in something greater than ourselves? What gives anyone the right to hurt others, because they don't agree? Today, around the world, genocide is happening again, but do we notice? Do we care? Or are we worried about what party, bar, or nightclub we are going to go to this weekend? Are we worried about our outfit, or whether we are popular or not? Everyone has a right to find happiness however they want to, but I cannot help it if I feel sad that a life is drowning in the superficial needs of this life. However, with that said, I will say that I will not tell you that your life is being lived wrong, because that is not my place, unless you are hurting yourself or someone else.
All you have to do is watch the news to understand that what I am saying is true. That's all you have to do. This world is getting scary. This world is entering a new age of ignorance, selfishness, persecution and even sanctioned murder. If someone disagrees with you. If someone believes that their life is more important than yours. If you are struggling and someone has something that you want. If you love someone that other's don't think you should. If you believe in a God and a religion that others don't see as acceptable, and even for reasons that are less than this... people are dying... all around the world.
We have to begin at home. Where did we learn about life, relationships, values, and morals? Too often parents want to be their child's friends, to relive some of their youth, to be popular, and to have their kids "like" them. Our job is to teach our children to be good adults one day. We are responsible for raising these little people to be the best that they can be, to find their potential and make this world a better place. Each generation works to be better than the last, but this generation seems to be struggling. Intolerance, bullying, persecution, and division. It is maddening. Our nation is divided and it saddens me. We built this country to try to live a better, freer life. We seem to be losing our humanity. I am LDS. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are nicknamed "Mormon", but it is only a nickname. We are told that we do not believe in Jesus Christ, but it is in our name. We have... throughout history we have been persecuted, but still we stand. Now... that is not to say that we don't have extremists who have taken righteousness to extremes and believe that they have the right to judge anyone who does not believe, or behave as they do. It is a struggle that we all face... the urge to judge what we don't understand, or don't approve of, only it happens on both sides. We are judged for our faith and beliefs, and we judge others for their behavior or looks. It is crazy the way that we persecute each other. Bullying is NOT a necessary part of growing up. It cannot be anymore.
Because of my faith... the faith that is sometimes mocked... I am more tolerant, more loving, my heart is fuller, my judgment (something that I continue to work on) is less stinging, my compassion is deeper, my empathy is sweeter, and my life used is being used for a greater purpose than I once dreamed possible. What have you dreamed about? What legacy do you want to leave? What goals can you make that will make you a better you? Who can you see... really see... for who they are, not what you can get from them. You need to step away from what the world tells you is acceptable, and find the real you. We are potential kings and queens... I promise.
My husband's health has been spiraling out of control for the last six to eight months and continues to grow more and more difficult to manage. Today was a good and difficult day for my husband and I. We met his new G.P. He is an incredible man and a wonderful blessing, especially at this stage in our life, but it was also difficult because we added a few more concerns to our growing list of medical problems. I am watching him change so quickly that it is truly frightening. The one consolations are that his new doctor is that he is taking Tony's health very seriously. He has made a commitment to help us figure this out. However, I am terrified. I am so scared by what may come for Tony in the future. It is a rough beginning of what promises to continue to be a serious ordeal. This is not going to be easy... period. At best we are looking at Parkinson's... at worst... we are going to combine that possibility with one or more other deadly illnesses. That they are trying to weed out. It just does not look like we have much chance of this being easy, or slow in progressing. (I won't say what they are looking for, because we are still in the search and diagnose stage), but I will say, "This sucks!" It is hard to hold onto hope, but I'm not the panicking kind. So I'm going to pray.
There is a tug of war constantly being played between patience, and dreaming and waiting. It is agonizing. But dreaming has to be followed up with the dreaded words,"hard work". I've heard my children say..., "I want to do..." this or that, "but I'm not good at it." They don't yet understand that you have to try, practice, and develop your skills. You have to work for it.
When I started to write my novel, I was convinced that it was good enough, even with it being my first time. I had rewritten it a couple of times, and thought it was good and that was it. I was also dreaming about being an author for as long as I could remember. However, I barely made it through school. I was one of those kids you hear about that slipped through the cracks. I was determined, but where do you begin. My older brother believed in me and proceeded to tell me that I should do it again. I was heartbroken and honestly a little mad. After some time passed though I thought again about what he said, and I realized that he was not telling me to give up, or that I was not good enough. He was telling me what I needed to know. He was saying that I needed to try... again... I can do it. It was good, but not ready. I'm sad to say that I am still circling that process, while taking time to get myself healthy. That is enough of a tax in itself, but I'm getting there. I hope to get back to that work soon. I even blog about my writing on my other site, but it does take a lot of work, study, practice, and so on, but I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet. Dang do I have some work to do!
So my point is... Patience cannot progress for your good without work. We have a saying in my church also that says, "Faith without works is dead." Well... there you go. Patience is not just a waiting game. It cannot be. Dreams won't fall into your lap. You have to practice, learn, practice some more, and keep working hard at it. You have to keep trying, and working. You can't do one without the other.
You've got to follow your passion. You've got to figure out what it is you love, who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dreams.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I have a book that my daughters gave to me and I don't utilize it enough, but I love it. It is called, "Greatest Inspirational Quotes" by Dr. Joe Tichio. The theory is that if you read a quote a day for a consecutive 365 days... it will lead to happiness. I am beginning that journey, not because I have to, but because I need to. I have heard it said, throughout my life, that happiness is a choice. Personally, I always thought that was stupid saying. I did not believe that I could choose happiness, because I struggled to feel happy... always. I did not know how I could ever "really" find happiness, but then I decided to make the changes I needed to. It only took twenty-five years, but I eventually began to live for me and my family... for the first time. Of course, it only took me just over two years of therapy, moving across the country, away from my traumatic past, and growing up to get there. I have recorded my past in this blog, and how I'm learning from it, dealing with it, and healing from it.
How great would it be if we all pulled together and love each other just a little more? Like the Nickelback song, "If Everyone Cared". Could you imagine if all mothers in the world fought a little harder for the souls of our children? What if we all tried to raise our children to be respectful of others... older or younger, black or white... everyone? What if we conducted ourselves in a way that made us feel proud of ourselves at the end of the day.
I don't have all of the answers, but what I can do... all I can do... is what "I" can do. I will raise my children to protect themselves, and not give up on the power of positivity, and love, and kindness, not to mention respect.
Also, have you ever had a dream that had to be put in the attic of your heart? I have and I am still trying to dust it off, but my goal is to do just that. I want to be a published writer. I want to be a better artist. I also want to strive to be a better me so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend. I will admit that I have struggled with that for all of my life, and I have been hurt so much that I struggle to trust people, to show them who I am, to chase down and accomplish my dreams, but I am not giving up, because reaching our goals, and fulfilling our dreams make us happy.
I have stood by a group of sisters when they all know each other because of social connections, and after a couple moments of conversation, had the circle close, leaving me looking at their backs. I am not mad about that. I get the reasoning for things like happening. I understand the dysfunction of this life and this world, but it makes me so sad. Good, talented women struggle to feel their own self-worth. How many of us really know the people around us? Do you really know what someone has been through, or what secret pain they hold deep in their heart? Why do we find inspiration in tragic stories shared by people who want to inspire others? Why do we celebrate the talent of artists, musicians, actors, and other talented people? Why do we not share our stories, or what we have survived, or what we are good at?
I've talked about this before, but fear is a very powerful emotion. It stops us from doing everything that we dream of doing but are afraid won't be accepted for, or good enough for. No one wants to be left out, left behind, forgotten, and lost, but the pain we hide, and ignore will break us. I was suicidal for most of my life. I know that pain. I know that loss of self, and hope. I don't want anyone to give up if my story can inspire someone and changes their mind about themselves. If I can use what I know to lift someone's spirits, give them something to hope for, inspire someone to put more effort into feeling confident about themselves.
I don't know if this helps. I don't even know if anyone takes the time to read this, but I'm going to keep hoping. One of my many dreams is to reach across time, space, distance, and limitations to make a small difference in this life. How many people have we watched self destruct? We have to do what we can, even if that only means passing a little love with a smile when I pass you on the street. I'm going to keep trying. That is just who I am. I am not profound, or a genius, but I am just someone who has a really big heart... who cares about people around me, even if I am not very good at putting myself out there. A blog is safe, but I hope in some small way... it helps. Good luck guys, and have a great weekend. 
Okay, so I had kind of an epiphany this week about comfort. As long as I have known my husband he has, every time he feels stressed or upset, he would place his hands on his head and sigh. He's been very sick lately. He has a neurological condition that we are still in the process of finding a diagnosis for. (Every doctor we have talked to said that his symptoms all indicate something neurological) And I mentioned to our psychologist, who is helping us with our dysfunction (which I have openly discussed in prior posts) and she explained that at the top of our heads is a deep pressure point that is a physical comfort when gentle pressure is placed there. I also know that when a preemie baby is in distress a gently placed hand on their head can be a great comfort to them.
It was interesting that while observing people around me (in daily life) I have seen people in many different situations take this stance.
We forget that God is the one who made us, gave us life, knows us like no other can. He knows what comforts us. He knows what makes us happy, sad, angry. He knows that we will struggle in countless ways in this life. He knows us and what we might forget is that he loves us. Greater than any parent can love a child, during this life at least, and as a parent myself... I can tell you that I am the most literal mother bear when it comes to love, care, and protection of my children.
God wants to comfort us. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to reach our potential. He wants us to come home with the reward he know we can receive when we return "home".
