Friday, February 10, 2017

My Road to Positivity

I have a book that my daughters gave to me and I don't utilize it enough, but I love it. It is called, "Greatest Inspirational Quotes" by Dr. Joe Tichio. The theory is that if you read a quote a day for a consecutive 365 days... it will lead to happiness. I am beginning that journey, not because I have to, but because I need to. I have heard it said, throughout my life, that happiness is a choice. Personally, I always thought that was stupid saying. I did not believe that I could choose happiness, because I struggled to feel happy... always. I did not know how I could ever "really" find happiness, but then I decided to make the changes I needed to. It only took twenty-five years, but I eventually began to live for me and my family... for the first time.  Of course it only took me just over two years of therapy, moving across the country, away from my traumatic past, and growing up to get there. I have recorded my past in this blog, and how I'm learning from it, dealing with it, and healing from it.
  So I'm on this journey and while on this journey I decided to I start posting inspirational quotes from this book on my facebook status in effort to spread the inspiration. Facebook has become a lot more negative. It makes me sad. This is the one life we have, and it seems like too many of us waste our time with hate and disagreement. There is little love being spread.  Now, I don't know for sure if this is going to make a difference, but maybe it will... to someone.
  How great would it be if we all pulled together and love each other just a little more? Like the Nickelback song, "If Everyone Cared". Could you imagine if all mothers in the world fought a little harder for the souls of our children. What if we all tried to raise our children to be respectful of others... older or younger, black or white... everyone? What if we conducted ourselves in a way that made us feel proud of ourselves at the end of the day.
  My heart breaks when I see the news and the hate that is flowing into our streets. I am heart broken because I am afraid for my children and their children. I am broken by the lack of compassion, sympathy, and kindness I see in the world today, but where do we begin? How do we fix this?
  I don't have all of the answers, but what I can do... all I can do... is what "I" can do.  I will raise my children to protect themselves, and not give up on the power of positivity, and love, and kindness, not to mention respect.
  I hope that with this effort I can help my children to develop a testimony of the God that I love and loves me, because He does not fail us... even if the world does. I will not stop smiling. I will not stop being kind. I will not stop praying for our country, our military, my friends and family and anyone who may be suffering. I will not stop giving my love.  I will not stop striving to be a faithful daughter to my Heavenly Father. I will not say that I do not believe in humanity, in love, in my God. I just will not.
  I have lived a portion of my life where I did everything, changed everything about me... even my laugh... to fit in.  Nearly 31 years later... no one from that part of my life... are still in my life... unless I want them to be.
  However, I understand the need to do that. I understand the need to fit in, have "friends", and social groups that seem to need you. I get that! I really do. No one wants to be lonely, so we sometimes sacrifice ourselves, our values, who we are, etc... I get that too! I have been there!  However, I can guarantee that if you sacrifice who you are... you will NEVER be happy. Never.
  For me, I did not begin to feel truly happy until I started to figure out who I am.  That was my answer.  That can be your answer too. The happiest people know who they are and are proud of who they are... without arrogance of course.
  Also, have you ever had a dream that had to be put in the attic of your heart? I have and I am still trying to dust it off, but my goal is to do just that. I want to be a published writer. I want to be a better artist. I also want to strive to be a better me so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend. I will admit that I have struggled with that for all of my life,and I have been hurt so much that I struggle to trust people, to show them who I am, to chase down and accomplish my dreams, but I am not giving up, because reaching our goals, and fulfilling our dreams make us happy.
  I am sharing this part of my life with whoever will listen, because I believe that there are others out there who are struggling too.
  Unfortunately, in this world there are masks. We all wear masks. Even people in my church wear masks. There is so much pressure to be the perfect lds woman. It breaks my heart. I see good women that I care so much about... drowning under the need to be skinny, active, involved, dressed in a trendy, stylish way. I hear, "How are you", but it is always and quickly followed by, "You look so good!" Often when someone ask how you are... they don't really want the real answer. They want the polite... gracious... fake and satisfying answer. It makes me sad. I believe that we limit ourselves by not sharing our stories, our pain. We do not let others bless your life and we don't let ourselves bless others lives. When we don't learn from history... even the history of others... we are destined to repeat it. We will repeat the pain. We allow the ones we love to continue, instead of sharing and soothing pain with love, and compassion, and empathy. We all hold onto our secrets so tightly with so much shame that it steals our life, and progress and ability to support, and help others. This makes me sad.
  I have stood by a group of sisters when they all know each other because of social connections, and after a couple moments of conversation, had the circle close, leaving me looking at their backs. I am not mad about that. I get the reasoning for things like happening. I understand the dysfunction of this life and this world, but it makes me so sad. Good, talented women struggle to feel their own self worth. How many of us really know the people around us? Do you really know what someone has been through, or what secret pain they hold deep in their heart? Why do we find inspiration in tragic stories shared by people who want to inspire others? Why do we celebrate the talent of artists, musicians, actors, and other talented people? Why do we not share our stories, or what we have survived, or what we are good at?
  I've talked about this before, but fear is a very powerful emotion. It stops us from doing everything that we dream of doing but are afraid won't be accepted for, or good enough for. No one wants to be left out, left behind, forgotten, and lost, but the pain we hide, and ignore will break us. I was suicidal for most of my life. I know that pain. I know that loss of self, and hope. I don't want anyone to give up if my story can inspire someone and changes their mind about themselves. If I can use what I know to lift someone's spirits, give them something to hope for, inspire someone to put more effort into feeling confident about themselves.
  If I can inspire someone to not give up on their dreams or even their own self worth... then that is what I want to do. This is where I will put some of myself... right into this blog.
I don't know if this helps. I don't even know if anyone takes the time to read this, but I'm going to keep hoping. One of my many dreams is to reach across time, space, distance, and limitations to make a small difference in this life. How many people have we watched self destruct? We have to do what we can, even if that only means passing a little love with a smile when I pass you on the street. I'm going to keep trying. That is just who I am. I am not profound, or a genius, but I am just someone who has a really big heart... who cares about people around me, even if I am not very good at putting myself out there. A blog is safe, but I hope in some small way... it helps. Good luck guys, and have a great weekend.  

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