Friday, April 22, 2016
The reason that I wanted to post this... is because I live with chronic (daily and constant) and extreme pain every moment of every day, despite the highest dose of the strongest medicine I can get. I long for my life to be given back to me. I miss my husband. I wish I could be a more complete mother for my children. I wish I could go to the bathroom without a walker, and a cane. I wish my outings weren't limited to doctor appointments, and procedures, but I can't ask for more than that, and the love of a good man, and my children. I just needed you to know that I am not lazy. I am not bored. I am not doing this for attention. I am not doing this for sympathy, because frankly... this very little to be had. My husband had to buy me a walker and shower chair this past week. I can only lay in one position and if I behave... every two days I get to sit up on my bed for about 15 minutes, and maybe get a walk to the bathroom with, or without my cane. I am so grateful for those days. I use a tens unit (which is a device that you use with electrodes on your back that attach wires to a remote that gives you different settings of electrical pulses that ripple through your body in an attempt to loosen your muscles. In the past these would have been considered unspeakable, medieval, inhuman tortures. They just made it more medically friendly. lol.
I want to live, and I miss my life. I miss being a normal, healthy wife to my husband. Actually, I tell a lie. If you have read my blog with any thoroughness you would know that my sweet husband and I have never really had a healthy relationship. However, despite our problems, he still loves me and tries every day to show me how much he loves me. I thank God for knowing who I needed to love me and for me to love. I am blessed, but daily now, I get sad, angry, frustrated, and sadder still. I have gone from great strides in physical therapy to barely being able to move at all within just a small number of weeks. My heart and body is broken, and frankly it is difficult to hold onto my mind.
I have hope... some. I am due for surgery soon. I wait impatiently for my spine stimulator to be implanted. Man, that does sound like a medieval torture treatment, but it has been like waiting for a Christmas that always changes it's date of arrival. There is no guarantee for me, and I have a 6 to 9 week healing time, but I need to hold onto hope. It won't help my hips, but I am hoping for something. It is all I have left, besides my love for my husband, my kids, and my God.
Please, think before you judge someone before you know the situation they are in, and what they might be going through in silence or in private. You can never understand what someone is going through, unless you try.
To anyone who is hurting or struggling with whatever pain you are in,whether it be physical, emotional, or mental. Hang in there, and know that there is another person out her in our universe who understands what you are going through. Good luck and take it easy on yourself. Do what you have to do.