Judgements

Do we listen? Do we know?

Do we listen to those who have come before us? Do we learn from the history that was our ancestors' path? Do we think that we know better than those who have come before us?  Do we think these problems that we face... that stem from human nature... are new? They are not. We are destined to repeat what mistakes we have already made because we continue to make them... over and over again.  I do and have. It wasn't until I took a good hard look, an analytical look at my mistakes that I began to heal and learn. We are not struggling with new trials, we are not making new mistakes. We have a human nature, with human frailties. We would rather blame others than look at ourselves. It's easier to blame others. But what we don't realize is that blame gets us nowhere.

  We make excuses. We make endless excuses. We don't want to look for the reasons, because that would mean that we would have to look at ourselves. We would have to face our traumas, our bad memories, our trials, and our own guilt.  We can't have that. We use escapism. Can you think of any? I can think of a few, like alcohol, shopping, the need for branding (nothing is good enough unless it is the greatest, newest and most popular item you can wear, scent yourself with, drive, or show off with).  We create stress. We create images and stylize ourselves. We worship celebrities, musicians, and social media stars. We admire those who are different, or unique but work like we are driven by devils to become them. We do not work to improve ourselves, to see what it is that we can offer the world. 

  We have those who settle, those who succeed, those who thrive and love themselves, and those who lack the courage to do anything to rock the boat or find their talents and skills. They don't believe that they can do it, or have the time, or the ability.  Or like me, they've been beaten down so many times that we don't believe in ourselves anymore. We are the ones who have the most potential, the most to share, but we are afraid. We have been bullied by family, "friends", bullies, and cruel judges.  We are the suicidal, depressed, and scared. We don't know what to do, and we are afraid that if we try we will either fail or not "fit in". It is a horrible, depressing, suffocating state of mind. It is a state of being that makes everything feel impossible.

  I have seen good men and women fall. I have seen clever, talented, loving, creative people die inside and give up. I have seen people born into unbelievable circumstances overcome everything to become great... the greatest. I have seen and worn the masks that we all wear. The ones that make it look as if everything okay when inside your anxiety, hurt, anger, shyness, and lack of self-esteem are ripping us apart. 

  I talk about these things because as my husband has said, I am an observer. However, I am also a survivor, not of just the trials, traumas, sorrows, belittlers, and horrors of my life, but I have also survived all of the side effects of those events, the sorrow, depression, and anxiety. This is not an easy life. This is not a life to be wasted on the superficial. It is too short. My son had only three years and nine months to live it. My daughter only had twenty months to live it. Another of my daughters never took her first breath. Now my husband is struggling with a disease that will eventually take his life as well. He is only forty-six, and he is wasting away. We have no idea how long he has... no one does... but we try to make each day the best that we can. 

  I've lived a life with God as my Father. Then I ran away from Him. I lived a life without Him, long enough to know that there would never be hope again.  It is not the way that I wanted to live. I found my way back into His good graces and I found hope again, love again, and acceptance for the first time. I quickly learned that you cannot attend church for the people. People will fail you. People will wear a different kind of mask. The hearts of "men" will fail them. I had to learn how to go... for me, and for my relationship with God, and what I could learn about Him, me, and my family, and how we could be eternal.  I believe that three of my seven children were taken to teach me to have an eternal perspective.  I have found that I cannot live without the hope of an afterlife, an eternal reward without them. I simply cannot! I defy anyone who thinks that they can take that hope from me because it will not happen! My heart is strong. I may struggle with my communication. I may struggle to keep my temper. I may struggle to see my own worth, but the worth of my children, my husband... no one can change that.  They are a gift to me... from my God.

  Do not think for a second that I would devalue your God, or what your belief system is. I do not know your God, or what you have been through.  I don't devalue anyone's experiences, or thoughts, because they are your own. Also, because I know that my heart is an ocean, one that I have not explored fully yet, I can imagine that your heart is an ocean as well.  Two people could have the same exact moment, the same exact experience, and yet they will take from it a unique thought, a unique feeling, and probably a very different memory.  We do not do ourselves justice to judge like we know anything about each other for a fact.

  We all walk around wearing masks, remaining silent, allowing those around us to make their judgments but never do we realize that others are wearing masks too.  How often do we consider, even for a moment, that others have their own pain, their own reasons, their own insecurities, and our own life lessons? We often look at each other without the least degree of compassion.

  Our skin, our background, our education, our memories, our experiences, our opinions, our ideas, our beliefs, our talents, and our thoughts all make us who we are. After that, we have to decide how we will use all of that information. We cannot presume to know someone, because we have seen them for a moment. We just can't. We are all hiding something. We are all living with some level of insecurity. We are all struggling to make our way on a dark path because we cannot know our future. We cannot know more than we find out or are told. Ultimately, we have to be fair, forgiving and do our best to survive, learn, grow, and do our best to change into the people we want to be.  We can also teach and encourage others along the way.  We just have to believe that we can do it if we try.  We have to believe that we are worth being the best we can be. We all deserve happiness, peace, and love. My God does not want us to fail. He does not want us to hurt. He does want us to grow. He wants us to do our best. He wants us to find our potential.  However, you have to hurry... we are not promised tomorrow.