Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My Effort to Work Out and Overcome my Depression.

Wow, it is July already.  I had no idea that so much time has passed. I have been trying to get back into the grove of life, and it hasn't been easy.  I did have a good workout with my husband today though.  I appreciate his support.  I feel like a bowl of jello trying to get started, but I guess you have to begin somewhere.
I hate to say it, but I was always skinny, in fact, I was anorexic.  So I never had to exercise the discipline it takes to stay healthy.  Then when I got married and had my first child ten months later, I had difficulty taking off the weight, especially because my son had Muscular Dystrophy.  Along with upending my world he took all of my focus.  I did not have the time or thought of taking care of myself.  When my son was thirteen months old I got pregnant again with a healthy baby girl.  My son passed away when he was three years and nine months old.  I was pregnant three months later. I was  not replacing my son, it was a choice made prayerfully.  Unfortunately, my next daughter was born with the same condition as my son, only her onset came much sooner, and took her much earlier.  She was only twenty months old. I had two children, and then I had a still birth in my twenty-seventh month.  Needless to say, between pregnancy, (getting bigger each time) and the deep depression I was fighting I had little time or desire to care for myself.
My oldest daughter is now nineteen and my youngest has just turned seven.  I am blessed, and I do not regret the birth of any of my children, even though I have had my share of critics.  There are plenty of family and friends that could not handle it, or chose not to be a part of our lives.  To them I say, you truly missed out on angels on earth.  They would have changed you for the better to know them.
Depression and pain have been my biggest hindrance.  I fight it every day in fact.  I have become a loner, and don't socialize much.  I like people, but I find the social aspect of life difficult.  It is amazing how you can lose out on in life when nothing seems to help, or make you feel better.  It is a very consuming problem.  My family has become very good at recognizing my crazy days and giving me space.  Usually just a day to myself does the trick, but I know a lot of people who feel that way.
So with medication, the support of my family and my own frustration with the mirror and my clothes, I have decided that it is time to take care of myself and get healthy.  I am in my early forties now and my body does not work the way it used too. If I don't get started now... well I shudder to think of my future.
I started walking today.  I did a mile, but the awesome thing is that I used a DVD that takes you on a mile walk while you do arm and assorted leg excising while all the time you keep moving. It is so great. I highly recommend it. The DVD is by Leslie Sansone, "Walk Away the Pounds".  It got it at Target a long time ago, but I know she still puts out new videos.  I have to build up to her ab workout, that one is going to be a bugger.  I am nervous about that, but I think I will get there.
I got up this morning and did not take time to think.  I got dressed and immediately went down stairs, picked up the DVD that I left out for motivation and just did it.  My husband is always saying that, "Don't try, just do it."  He has always been a fitness buff.  I envied how men could lose weight so easily, at least mine can. I also admired his dedication.  I wish I had more of that.
I have to say that I feel pretty good.  It was hard at the time, and I was not sure I would be able to do the entire workout, but I did.  I am proud of my baby step.  That is what we have to do though, baby steps.  It is like that movie, "What about Bob?"  He had to take baby steps.
Do what you can do.  If it is only a few steps, drinking more water, or whatever works for you.  You have to make up your mind.  You cannot do it for anyone but yourself.  It won't work unless you do it for yourself.
I have also begun reading a book called, "Running with Angels".  It is about a woman who had similar experiences to what I have gone through, and she began one step at a time until she is now able to run marathons.  I have a friend from my childhood who has also made such accomplishments.  I am so proud of them, and they inspire me.  I think I'm ready, and I am going to do my best.
So  this is where I am.  God is important to me.  My family is important to me and I am becoming important to me.  I will struggle to work out tomorrow, and I probably won't want to get out of bed, but life goes on and so must I. I am going to do what I can and just take it a day at a time. I wish anyone else who may be struggling the best of luck and my wishes for your success. 

Saturday, April 26, 2014


Well, it has come to this.  I am currently awaiting the day when I am going to go through the first of two "pain" surgeries.  They will be severing my nerves in my lower back.  One side on Tuesday and the other, two weeks later.  Fun.  I am nervous to say the least, mostly though that it won't work.
I have done the pain clinics, and tried my best, but this is it.  It is my last resort.
I know that other people in the world have been through tons more than me, and I don't want to seem like a complainer.  I just have reached my "personal" limit.
I want my life back.  I want to contribute more to my family.  I want to live life again, and find a new normal.
Sorry.  That sounds like complaining.  Only truly, that is how it feels.
I have lived with all sorts of pain, but I have found that though the emotional pain is harder to deal with, and harder to let go of, I also found that physical pain is much harder to withstand.  I guess that is why physical torture can open mouths faster than therapy.
That is an terrible joke.  I'm sorry, but doesn't that make sense?
I admire those people who go through those horrifying accidents and survive all sorts of tragedies.  I admire our soldiers who give up no only their lives, but their limbs.
I even admire those soldiers who give up a little bit of their sanity and peace of mind.  I myself suffer from P.T.S. D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), and it can take away everything that  makes life worth while.
However, physical pain can also tax you in more ways than you expect, and it can take away worthwhile moments too.  I have had many of mine lost and put on hold.
Anyway.  I am nervous about surgery.  I am nervous about the outcome.  I am even nervous about the needles.  Uhhh.
But I still hold onto hope.  I have too.  I can't allow it keep doing this to me.  I want to live.  It is amazing how you can take those small life moments for granted.  I feel like I wasted so much of my healthy youth.  Wow I can be depressing, sorry.  It's hard not to feel like this when you have been stuck in bed for a while.
I am just grateful for my husband and my kids, who love me and are willing to put up with me. Thank you Tony, and my babies.  You all mean the world to me and I don't know where I would be without you.
Wish me luck.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Puppy Post

This is Vlad. (top)  That is Jasper. (bottom)
They are our two new additions.  They are English Masstiff puppies.  Their personalities are perfect for our family, you just have to get past the drooling.  Otherwise, they are perfect home bodies.  We have had this breed before, and love them dearly.  When we had to put down Gus, who had a horrible case of bloat, we did not think that we would want another so soon, but it turned out we did. Here they are.  Our new loves, even though Gus is never far from our thoughts.

A thought

The greatest gift we can give is a little bit of ourselves.
Just a thought.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Gilbert Temple Open House

  I got a chance to go to the Gilbert Temple open house, here in Arizona, on Thursday with my family.  We have watched them build this spectacular bit of heaven almost since the beginning.  To go through it and see its extraordinary beauty for ourselves was quite a gift for the spirit.  I feel that I am incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to see on a regular basis.  I also feel blessed to have the knowledge that these buildings are a gift from my Father in Heaven, because he wants us to have every opportunity to have eternal families, and all of the strength he can offer us.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Quote I Appreciate

I love this quote from Gordon B. Hinckley's book, "One bright shining Hope".

He said, " Life is never a failure until we call it such.  There are so many who need your helping hands, your loving smile, your tender thoughtfulness."

That is so true. We can do so much good in this life, if we only take the time, besides we only fail if we don't try.  I hope that you will take the time to look for those things that will uplift you, inspire you, or make you feel happy and peaceful.  This book of quotes has been all of that for me.
Hugs friends.