Well, it has come to this. I am currently awaiting the day when I am going to go through the first of two "pain" surgeries. They will be severing my nerves in my lower back. One side on Tuesday and the other, two weeks later. Fun. I am nervous to say the least, mostly though that it won't work.
I have done the pain clinics, and tried my best, but this is it. It is my last resort.
I know that other people in the world have been through tons more than me, and I don't want to seem like a complainer. I just have reached my "personal" limit.
I want my life back. I want to contribute more to my family. I want to live life again, and find a new normal.
Sorry. That sounds like complaining. Only truly, that is how it feels.
I have lived with all sorts of pain, but I have found that though the emotional pain is harder to deal with, and harder to let go of, I also found that physical pain is much harder to withstand. I guess that is why physical torture can open mouths faster than therapy.
That is an terrible joke. I'm sorry, but doesn't that make sense?
I admire those people who go through those horrifying accidents and survive all sorts of tragedies. I admire our soldiers who give up no only their lives, but their limbs.
I even admire those soldiers who give up a little bit of their sanity and peace of mind. I myself suffer from P.T.S. D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), and it can take away everything that makes life worth while.
However, physical pain can also tax you in more ways than you expect, and it can take away worthwhile moments too. I have had many of mine lost and put on hold.
Anyway. I am nervous about surgery. I am nervous about the outcome. I am even nervous about the needles. Uhhh.
But I still hold onto hope. I have too. I can't allow it keep doing this to me. I want to live. It is amazing how you can take those small life moments for granted. I feel like I wasted so much of my healthy youth. Wow I can be depressing, sorry. It's hard not to feel like this when you have been stuck in bed for a while.
I am just grateful for my husband and my kids, who love me and are willing to put up with me. Thank you Tony, and my babies. You all mean the world to me and I don't know where I would be without you.
Wish me luck.