Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Searching for Home

  Have you ever had enough and wished that you could just retreat to a bubble where no one can ever bother you, upset you, or hurt your family in anyway? Home is something that almost everyone longs for at some point in their life. Home is something that I long for with all of my heart. It has been years since we had one of our own. We had a home, that we eventually lost when my husband became crippled with Chronic Fatigue (Fibro-Mialgia) and herniated disks. We lost everything. We also had emotional baggage that made our life and especially our marriage an intense struggle. We did not have the tools to heal. So we uprooted our family and moved across the country in search of healing and home. We are finding healing... with the help of an absolutely amazing therapist. She is helping us let go, forgive, and heal. and move forward with healthy communication.
  My advice... for everyone... is to learn how to communicate. it is truly the only way to have a good, productive, happy life. You have to grow and develop a way to feel without hurting those around you.  I had reached my limit of sorrow, pain, frustration, and fear, and I believe that God said... "Okay, you have had enough.  It's time to heal." This is when we felt inspired to move on. We had to get away from everything that was hurting us... our past... our baggage... our trauma... and the negative influences in our lives. Off we went. We are almost completeness passed our individual therapy and we are moving on toward healing our family. It feels like we are ready to move on to a happier life. Now though... I am longing for home. I am truly struggling to know where to go next... do we go back to where we left? That is the hardest decision. Do we risk going back to where we struggled the most in our lives and hope that we are strong enough? That is what we are trying to decide.
  I need a home. My oldest daughter dreams of having a family of her own. I ache over that. It is not my greatest desire.  I love my children so much... I do not want to be separated from them, but at the same time I want to see them grow and add to our family and our capacity for love. I dream of grand babies, but I struggle with letting her go.  I lost three of my children to Muscular Dystrophy... She is the one of the ones who stayed. How do I part with her. I love to hear, "I love you", and "Mom... can I talk to you." Those are some of my happiest moments. To know she still needs me. Being a parent is not easy.  There is so much sacrifice and reward, and it is worth every moment, but it isn't always easy.
  Home... I need a home. I am so very grateful that we have a good, solid home that shelters us from weather, trauma, struggle, and life. It is our sanctuary from the world, but it is not ours.  We can't make it ours. I long for home. I want to grow our family, and have a safe place where we can love, learn, laugh, and grow. I need a home. Maybe the hardest decision is where do we go, and my greatest fear is... can we find what we need? Can we find that home that will give us all that we need? I dream of home. I just pray we can find it.

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