What does it mean?

We can learn so much about ourselves from those who despise us.  I just wish that it would stick.  There is so much for us to be proud, and humble about.  

When will we learn that we are can only be a great nation if we stick together, care for each other, and love one another.  I have to wonder, why do other countries see us as a selfish wild card.  Are we?

Time and Procrastination

It is said that procrastination is the thief of eternal life, and I believe that time is its eternal companion. 

It slips through our fingers like water when held for too long.

Like the rivers it continues to flow, the ocean tides continue to surge, even the streams move on without turning back.

Such is time.

With time come the changes.

My skin no longer radiates with the spark of youth.

My hair has begun to whiten, losing its brightness and sheen.

However, I have come to realize that these things must be.

For these changes are our reminders.

They are our warning.

They are our beckon call.

We are being reminded that time is slipping through our fingers.

Our time to prepare has nearly run out, for this life is just a grain of sand, a drop of water, a moment in the grand scheme.

It is time to prepare for our eternal life and procrastination is the thief.

Poem called, "What if...?"

What if...?
People say that dreams are the messages of the heart, or maybe our fears realized, depending on whether they are a simple fantasy, or a terrifying nightmare.  What if the dream was the reality?  What if our daily, sometimes mundane lives were the illusion?
     Or for those who believe in worlds without number, what if our dreams were really glimpses into those worlds?  What if dreams are the windows, and our imaginations are really the doorways?
     Writers, painters, artists, craftsman create works that make you want to be a part of them.  What if they are giving us glimpses into other realms?  If they are simply dreams or imaginative flights of fantasy, why do our hearts and minds long for those glimpses to be real?
     Are they momentary escapes, or are those feelings really the desire to return, from whence we came?

The Mask I Wear

This poem was given to me, by one of my therapists at the Cleveland Clinic, when I attended a 5 week Chronic Pain Treatment program last year.  It was very on the nose about me. Throughout my life, I have worn a mask.  In my effort to be everyone's friend, to fit in, and to not draw attention to myself, or my pain (emotional, spiritual, physical) I put on my mask.  The "eternal smile" I called it.
This poem really applied to me and I hope that it might make you think about the mask that you might wear.

The Mask I Wear

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask.  I wear a thousand masks- masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me
but don't be fooled,
For God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
with as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That;s why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.



I found, when I read this for the first time, that I was afraid.  I was found out.  Someone saw through my mask, and I did not know what to do.  Once the fear subsided though, I realized that I wasn't alone.  Someone in the world understood me.  I was not the only one, and it was liberating.
I also came to discover the depths on which I depended on my mask, and it made me sad.  I was sad that I was so ashamed of who I was that I could not bring myself to take a chance and share the real me with anyone, except my husband and children.  I realized how depleted my self esteem really was.  My well had run dry.  What did I have to show for it?  I had a lot of acquaintances... people I would call friends, but it was all an illusion, and I was miserable.  Those are hard realities to face, but once I did face them, I could see more clearly what I had to do, and what I needed.  I also came to realize that I was blessed.
I was blessed, because I had a wonderful man in my life who always saw through my disguise and loved me for who I was.  He had never asked me to be more than myself.  He had only asked for my trust, my love, and for those things that made me...me.  I had beautiful, creative, funny children who needed me, and loved me in a way that no one else ever would, or could.  Those are good realizations to have.
I am grateful for the struggles in my life, because you can't get to the heart of anything without scraping off the hard outer layer.  (metaphorically speaking).

We all have masks, whether we know it or not.  We all have things about ourselves that we are not happy with, or resist.  We all want to fit in, and be seen.  We all want to know that we matter, that we are accepted and that we are loved.
However, my question is, what price do we pay for that buffer of imagined security?  What of ourselves do we give up to fit in, to find our place, to find acceptance?
I gave up all of me and it has taken me a long time to rediscover myself.
You might ask though, do I still struggle?  Do I wear my mask, even on a part-time basis?  Of course I do.
It is a struggle that I will probably have for all of my life.  I struggle to feel happy.  I struggle to feel valued.  I struggle to fit in and feel accepted.  I struggle to feel good enough. I struggle with the worry about what other people think of me, but it does not mean that I am not still trying to overcome those thoughts.  It is work... like with anything worth having in this life... but I am not giving up.  Giving up and succumbing is easy, it is the repairs that have to be made after ward though that are the real bugger.
I am learning though, that I am a good person.  I do deserve to be happy, and I deserve to have good people around me, who will accept me flaws and all.  Those people are hard to find, but I'm not giving up on that dream either.
Good luck my fellow travelers.  I hope that you will learn to let your mask down once and a while.  Risk is scary, but you are worth it.

Difference and Purpose

I love this picture, because it makes me think of my children. They were severely mentally impaired, blind, deaf, unable to walk, or run, jump or play without assistance, but they were so special and they were mine.
Being different in this world is not something that is accepted readily.  Unless you are outwardly beautiful, talented in some astonishing way, or wealthy and can show it, there is little welcome in this world for you, unless you can get people to look past your differences, to find out who you are.
For someone who is handicapped or disabled, it is very hard to find acceptance.  You discover that most people feel a lot of fear, and awkwardness when meeting people who are different.  You find out who your friends are, you discover who can handle your new life an the challenges, struggles, heart breaks, setbacks, and sorrows that are now a part of your every day.
Through those struggles though, I came to understand how special my son and daughter were. By taking on the responsibility of caring for them everyday, rooting for them when they worked so hard to perform the basic tasks that we take for granted, and loving them when they slept so peacefully in my arms, I came to see them for the gift that they were.
They taught me more in their short lives about compassion, unconditional love, and about myself than anyone could ever have.
I was saddened by the fact that few had the courage, or took the time to get to know them better.  They had such sweet spirits.  They were full of love and simple appreciation for those who loved them and shared the day with them.
Music provided so much joy to them.  The right tune soothe them, or made them want to dance and play.  They loved being sung to, and the hymns played on Sunday morning made them so peaceful.
Silliness was the order of the day and being around them made you want to be silly.  They made you feel like you could be yourself.  They only wanted your time, your laughter, your attention.  The simplest things made them laugh and smile.  A silly noise, the laughter of others, music and dancing around the living room, all of those things made for such happy memories.  Anthony love it when Tony would "play" wrestle with him and Tia on the floor.  He loved taking walks and feeling a breeze on his face.  His absolute favorite thing to do though, was to stand (holding onto the window sill) and feel the sunshine on his face.  His favorite spot to sit was in the section of sunshine that would shine down through the window creating a wide, warm rectangle of light on the floor.  He would sit there for so long, just basking in the warmth an beauty.  I loved to watch him, quietly from the other side of the room.
To have someone need you so much, to love you so unconditionally, to need you in ways that no one else could, was such a blessing.
Kyra was my snuggle bug.  She could not do as much as her brother, which was very little, but what she could not do, she made up for in love.  She loved to snuggle and listen as I read her stories, or sang her songs.  The hymn "I am a child of God" was a song that I sang to her every night while she fell asleep in my arms. Those are the moments that I remember with longing the most.
The other memories I have caused me to suffer from depression, and post traumatic stress, but if I am being honest, I would be willing to do it again, if God asked me too.
I understand the crucifixion now so much more now, and in such a personal way.  I understand the sorrow that our Heavenly Father must have felt knowing what his son, our savior Jesus Christ, was going to have to go through.  I understand the helplessness he must have felt knowing that nothing could be done to change his fate.  He was meant to suffer for our sake.  I know that helplessness. My son and daughter went through so much that I could only observe.  I could offer them support, love and comfort, but there was so much that was out of control.  How often does our Heavenly Father watch helplessly, only able to offer us the love and comfort when we suffer, or when we face situations that are necessary for our growth.
However there are times when we make choices, going against all we know, and against our better judgement, to fit in, or to escape, but are not necessarily prepared for the consequences that come with it.  Many people believe that God causes bad things to happen to us, but that is not true.  Often he has to allow the bad to happen, for our growth.  Often he has to allow us to suffer the consequences of our actions, decisions, and choices.  The question for us is, do we trust that he knows us better than we know ourselves?  Do we trust that he has a plan for us?  Do we allow him to teach us those things that he feels we need to learn.  Do we trust that he knows what we are capable of, or that he knows our potential.
Not all of us are born with superior intelligence, the ability to draw, sing, tell a story, create, or understand, but it does not mean that we are not worth knowing that we are not worth the time, effort, friendship, love, or time of those around us?
My children were not able to do the normal things that most children could do.  They could not see, they could not hear properly, they could not speak, run, jump, walk, or express themselves, but there is not one moment that I shared with them, that I would trade for the world.  They were a joy to behold, and those who did get the chance to know them better, came away with so much love and appreciation for them.
How often do we ignore those meeker members of society, or in our lives.  How often do we take the time to understand to know, support and love those around us that we take for granted.  How often do we offer friendship to those who may not be in our everyday social circle?  How often do we attend to the needs of those around us, without expecting something in return?  How often do we offer a kind word, a smile, a simple act of love, without needing a holiday as an excuse?
Are we loving those who are around us, the way that our savior taught us to?
It is just something to consider.

" I dreamt of heaven the other night, an the pearly gates swung wide.  An angel with halo bright ushered me inside.  And there to my astonishment stood folks I'd judged and labeled as quite "unfit" of "little worth", and spiritually disabled." Indignant words rose to my lips, but NEVER were set free, for EVERY face showed stunned surprise, not ONE expected ME!"  -Unknown



I love you Anthony, Kyra, an Gabriel.  I miss you, but I am so grateful for the lives you live on our behalf.
I can't wait to see you again. -mom

Dreams

What would this world be without our dreams?  Where would our hope begin?
Every invention, painting, story, creation begins with a dream, or inspiration.
It is so important for us to dream, not just for the guide of it, but because we grow with every dream we have.
What do you dream about? What is your greatest wish?  What is it that you hope to become, create, or do?
I have so many dreams that it is difficult to focus on one.  I have so many stories, rushing around in my mind that my fingers cannot write them fast enough.  I cannot make them type any faster than they are capable, but still I dream.
What are you going to do, to make those dreams come true?
Every wonder of this world begins with a dream.
Don't be afraid to dream.

"Keep your heart open to dreams.  For as long as there are dreams there is hope and if there is hope there is joy in living" -Anonymous

New Year's Resolutions

As wives and mothers, even "men" we sometimes get so busy with our responsibilities, our jobs, our many roles that we have to play everyday to so many people that we forget that we are valuable for so many other reasons.  We forget that we are individuals with needs, wants, dreams, etc...
We all think about our resolutions with the advent of the new year, but how many of us follow through?
We all have ideas about what is expected of us.  What neighbors, friends, and family expect of us, but sometimes we lose sight of what we should expect from ourselves. Are we being the best we can be?
We are miraculous, marvelous creatures who are capable of great things.
We are capable of learning, developing, and changing in such amazing ways.
We are individuals who have value, much more than we sometimes know.
However, we forget that our happiness is just as important as the happiness we try to provide for of those around us.
Now, I do not mean that we need to neglect our responsibilities, or roles, but we do need to remember that we have needs of our own.
We are talented.
We are smart.
We are industrious.
And some of you (like me) are a little mad with creativity waiting to burst out.
Not all of our talents and interests appeal to everyone, but who cares.
I learned very early in life that if no one understands you, or wants to play with you, it does not have to mean the end of the world has arrived.  It only means that you have to get creative, and you have to be yourself, and you have to (and this is important), you have to be okay with being alone.
I spent quite a bit of my childhood in the attic, up a tree, dreaming in the garden, or a small corner of the garage, or a closet that was just big enough to curl up with a notepad, pencil, crayons, and such.  In fact I still find myself longing for those quiet moments, without distraction, or onlookers.
But my point is, that you have to find what it is that defines you, and be okay with that.
You are an individual who is precious, talented, funny, wise, creative, loving, and full of a life, but we may be limited by your environment, the people you associate with and other things like not enough time in the day,  but what is worse is that we are limited the most by our own feelings of inadequacy.
Why would we try, if we don't feel like it matters, or that we matter?
I know that I have a truck load of issues of my own, but one of my goals, my resolutions, is to try to stop feeling that way.  It won't be easy, but if I want to feel better, I have to give it a try.  However, my husband reminds me all the time that "you can't try, you have to do".  He is good at that, but opposites do attract and I am not so good at that.
I have always struggled with my self-esteem.  I have never felt valued or valuable, but as I said I am working on it, and I guess that is what is important about resolutions.  We cannot put a time limit on "all" of them.  We cannot be too hard on ourselves for failing.  We cannot put too much pressure on ourselves.  We can involve others in our resolutions when it comes to the need for support, but change can only come from within.  We have to do the changing, and no one can do it for us.
So what do we do now.  What do we do with our resolutions?
Well, we think about what it is that "WE" need.  What is it that would help us to grow in those wonderful ways that God knows we can?  What is it that we have always wanted for ourselves?  I don't mean material things.  I am talking about what talent have you always wanted to develop, or was put aside for the responsibilities that have taken up our time?
What are you good at?
What have you suppressed, because you think that there is no time for it?
What are you wishing you could do that is positive and good for us?
That is the type of things that are most important to our growth.  It is not about the brand of clothing that you wear, what role you play in the PTA, what kind of trip you take, car you drive, or status you have in the community.  Those things may be important to you, and that is your choice, but what I am talking about is what it is that makes up your core self.  You are special, individual, unique, and loved by someone who knows what you are capable of, our Heavenly Father.  We just have to be willing to discover it ourselves, by whatever route you must take.
Of course I also have the goal of weight loss.  Of course I would love to find a great haircut, or hair dye that covers my grey really well, and of course getting out my p.j. pants and slouchy clothes, but one thing at a time.
My goals have to be met in baby steps.  I have to work on them slowly, and at MY pace.  I have to do it that way, to make it a part of my everyday life, or IT WILL NOT WORK!  I know that about myself.
I want to encourage you to make those changes and take those steps that will make your quality of self and life better, but try to be patient with yourself.  Change takes time, but there can be change.
Good luck and I'll let you know how I am coming along.  Wish me luck too.


"Dwelling in the world is part of our mortal test. The challenge is to live in the world yet not partake of the world's temptations which will lead us away from our spiritual goals."Robert D. Hales - Oct. Gen. Conf. 2002