Making Changes

What do you think about yourself?  Are you happy with yourself?  Do you believe that you are worthy of happiness?

I have struggled with that for much of my life. Correction... I still struggle with that, but I am happy to say that I am starting to make progress.  I started therapy a few months ago, and despite my fear, misgivings, and concerns, it is helping.

When I started I had an option, I could either begin with the easy issues or tackle the hardest ones.  I am grateful to say that I made the right choice, I started with the hardest most painful ones first.  Of course it would have been easy to start with the little things that plague me on a daily basis, but I found that I was ready for change.  I decided that I had been hurting long enough.  I realized that I had only been cheating myself.

When I started tackling the tough issues I realized how angry I really was.  I realized how much pain I was in, and more importantly I realized that I was hurting because of the things that had been done to me, not because of anything I had done to myself.  I am learning that I have to place blame where it belongs and take back... myself.  If I want to heal I have to let go of guilt.  I have to let go of sorrow.  I have to let go of the pain.  If I don't I will stay stuck.  I will stay limited.  I have stunted my own growth by not dealing with my issues.
Because I have been numb for so long, despite the love I have of my children and my husband, I have suffered.  I allowed my "baggage" to hinder and strain those precious relationships.  

I lost my confidence.  I lost my creative spirit.  I lost my happiness.  I lost myself.  

Unconsciously, I decided that I did not deserve joy, even in my everyday. Depression had a hold on me to the point that I did not believe that I was worth living for.  I found myself trapped in a circle of sorrow.

However, I am is not yet out of the woods.  I am struggling in my marriage.  My husband still loves me deeply and dearly, but I take no effort.  I allow myself to get locked in my physical pain and the excuses that come with it.  I allow myself to get trapped in my sorrow and feeling sorry for myself.  I allowed myself to give up and settle, until I do not think I can find another way.

It is not easy to face your past.  It is not easy to face your own short comings.  It is not easy admit your mistakes.  It is not easy to admit what it is in your life that is toxic, or who is toxic.  It is not easy to make the changes that it takes to find your happiness.  It takes time.  It takes devotion.  It takes direction and guidance. It takes patience and that dreaded word "forgiveness".  What I have discovered though was that forgiveness does not mean condoning.  It does not mean that you are letting someone get away with something.  Forgiveness to me means letting go, letting go of pain, letting go of the sorrow, letting go of the guilt.  It means saying you're worth fighting for.  I am learning to take responsibility for myself and my actions.  I have to take responsibility for my thoughts, and my behavior, even my mood.
In the doctors office they have a sign in the restroom that says, "Happiness is a choice".  I thought that was ridiculous...at first.  I thought it was a one of those cheesy sayings that meant nothing profound, but I have actually found that being happy really is a choice.  And what was worse was that I had chosen to be stuck in my pain, and I had settled in to being average and useless.  If those were choices than why couldn't I choose to be happy?
One of my problems is that I did not have faith that God had given me life and talents or that there was a reason that he had.  I did not have faith that He made me and knew what I was capable of.  I did not have faith that He cared about me...personally.  I did not care about myself, and since my family loved me I decided that that was enough.  In a way it should be, but is it really all I should strive for?  Didn't they deserve the best of me?  Didn't they deserve me happy?  I had to realize that I was not giving my family or myself the best care that I could.  I was not taking care of them or myself to the best of my ability.  I realized that I for them to be happy... I had to be happy.
I could not even be the best person that God knew I could be.  I had failed him.  I began to see that his life is a gift, and I was wasting it.  I had been given 7 beautiful children (three of which has passed on from Muscular Dystrophy), but I have 4 healthy children who keep me busy, and happy every day, and I have the hope of seeing my children again one day (in the next life "heaven").  I have been blessed with my best friend as my husband.  He has struggled with me.  He has loved me.  He has seen me at my worst.  I hope he will see me at my very best... one day.
I have been blessed with creativity.  I am artistic.  I am a writer... hoping to get published.  I am a mother, and a kind person.  I love imagination.  I love nature.  I love music, and the way it makes me feel.  I love that I have a love of my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I struggle.  I get sad.  I don't always see the beauty in my world or my day, but I am improving.  I want to keep improving.  I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy my life and start living it.  I don't want to waste any more time.  I have thrown away so much.
I am not there yet, but I am not going to quit trying.  I am going to keep working at it.  I am going to keep praying for help.  I am going to continue to do those things my therapist suggests.  I am going to keep being honest with myself and take responsibility for myself and my thoughts.  It isn't easy, and I will continue to struggle, and I will have good days and bad, but I have decided that no one can change my life, but me.  Those people around me that I love and love me, deserve for me to try.
I also had another realization.  I lost three of my children too soon.  They did not have the opportunity to run, jump and play. They did not have the chance to live and make their lives reach their potential.  They could not express their thoughts.  They could not enjoy their lives.  We worked very hard to make them comfortable and happy, but there was only so much we could for them.  I am blowing the chance that was taken away to soon from them.  I owe them better.  I deserve better and so do you.
Now, I don't know if this is going to help anyone.  I don't even know if anyone will read this.  I don't know if there is any point to this, but I hope... I hope this will help someone.  I hope it will give someone encouragement.  I hope that I might encourage someone to rediscover themselves, or inspire someone at least to search.  I don't want to wait for good to come to me... I want to make it happen.  I envy those who live their lives to the fullest, although I would bet that there are not as many out there doing it as we might think.
Don't you want to do that?  It all starts with a baby step.  You take one at a time, and then you take another one, and then another.  It seems that simple, but it might not be that simple. However, as long as you are moving forward you will get there.  Do what is best for you and those you love.  You don't have to make excuses to anyone.  You just have to start.  It is my prayer that if anyone is suffering... you figure it out for yourself.  I hope that you will figure out what is hurting you, and work those things out of your life.  You deserve it.  Just don't give up... no matter what you pain you have to endure on the journey... you are worth it.  It will get easier... and I will keep on encouraging you as I learn and grow too.  You are not taking this journey alone.
P.S.  Write me... writermom@yahoo.com
  

   

My Effort to Work Out and Overcome my Depression.

Wow, it is July already.  I had no idea that so much time has passed. I have been trying to get back into the grove of life, and it hasn't been easy.  I did have a good workout with my husband today though.  I appreciate his support.  I feel like a bowl of jello trying to get started, but I guess you have to begin somewhere.
I hate to say it, but I was always skinny, in fact, I was anorexic.  So I never had to exercise the discipline it takes to stay healthy.  Then when I got married and had my first child ten months later, I had difficulty taking off the weight, especially because my son had Muscular Dystrophy.  Along with upending my world he took all of my focus.  I did not have the time or thought of taking care of myself.  When my son was thirteen months old I got pregnant again with a healthy baby girl.  My son passed away when he was three years and nine months old.  I was pregnant three months later. I was  not replacing my son, it was a choice made prayerfully.  Unfortunately, my next daughter was born with the same condition as my son, only her onset came much sooner, and took her much earlier.  She was only twenty months old. I had two children, and then I had a still birth in my twenty-seventh month.  Needless to say, between pregnancy, (getting bigger each time) and the deep depression I was fighting I had little time or desire to care for myself.
My oldest daughter is now nineteen and my youngest has just turned seven.  I am blessed, and I do not regret the birth of any of my children, even though I have had my share of critics.  There are plenty of family and friends that could not handle it, or chose not to be a part of our lives.  To them I say, you truly missed out on angels on earth.  They would have changed you for the better to know them.
Depression and pain have been my biggest hindrance.  I fight it every day in fact.  I have become a loner, and don't socialize much.  I like people, but I find the social aspect of life difficult.  It is amazing how you can lose out on in life when nothing seems to help, or make you feel better.  It is a very consuming problem.  My family has become very good at recognizing my crazy days and giving me space.  Usually just a day to myself does the trick, but I know a lot of people who feel that way.
So with medication, the support of my family and my own frustration with the mirror and my clothes, I have decided that it is time to take care of myself and get healthy.  I am in my early forties now and my body does not work the way it used too. If I don't get started now... well I shudder to think of my future.
I started walking today.  I did a mile, but the awesome thing is that I used a DVD that takes you on a mile walk while you do arm and assorted leg excising while all the time you keep moving. It is so great. I highly recommend it. The DVD is by Leslie Sansone, "Walk Away the Pounds".  It got it at Target a long time ago, but I know she still puts out new videos.  I have to build up to her ab workout, that one is going to be a bugger.  I am nervous about that, but I think I will get there.
I got up this morning and did not take time to think.  I got dressed and immediately went down stairs, picked up the DVD that I left out for motivation and just did it.  My husband is always saying that, "Don't try, just do it."  He has always been a fitness buff.  I envied how men could lose weight so easily, at least mine can. I also admired his dedication.  I wish I had more of that.
I have to say that I feel pretty good.  It was hard at the time, and I was not sure I would be able to do the entire workout, but I did.  I am proud of my baby step.  That is what we have to do though, baby steps.  It is like that movie, "What about Bob?"  He had to take baby steps.
Do what you can do.  If it is only a few steps, drinking more water, or whatever works for you.  You have to make up your mind.  You cannot do it for anyone but yourself.  It won't work unless you do it for yourself.
I have also begun reading a book called, "Running with Angels".  It is about a woman who had similar experiences to what I have gone through, and she began one step at a time until she is now able to run marathons.  I have a friend from my childhood who has also made such accomplishments.  I am so proud of them, and they inspire me.  I think I'm ready, and I am going to do my best.
So  this is where I am.  God is important to me.  My family is important to me and I am becoming important to me.  I will struggle to work out tomorrow, and I probably won't want to get out of bed, but life goes on and so must I. I am going to do what I can and just take it a day at a time. I wish anyone else who may be struggling the best of luck and my wishes for your success. 

Pain

Well, it has come to this.  I am currently awaiting the day when I am going to go through the first of two "pain" surgeries.  They will be severing my nerves in my lower back.  One side on Tuesday and the other, two weeks later.  Fun.  I am nervous to say the least, mostly though that it won't work.
I have done the pain clinics, and tried my best, but this is it.  It is my last resort.
I know that other people in the world have been through tons more than me, and I don't want to seem like a complainer.  I just have reached my "personal" limit.
I want my life back.  I want to contribute more to my family.  I want to live life again, and find a new normal.
Sorry.  That sounds like complaining.  Only truly, that is how it feels.
I have lived with all sorts of pain, but I have found that though the emotional pain is harder to deal with, and harder to let go of, I also found that physical pain is much harder to withstand.  I guess that is why physical torture can open mouths faster than therapy.
That is an terrible joke.  I'm sorry, but doesn't that make sense?
I admire those people who go through those horrifying accidents and survive all sorts of tragedies.  I admire our soldiers who give up no only their lives, but their limbs.
I even admire those soldiers who give up a little bit of their sanity and peace of mind.  I myself suffer from P.T.S. D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), and it can take away everything that  makes life worth while.
However, physical pain can also tax you in more ways than you expect, and it can take away worthwhile moments too.  I have had many of mine lost and put on hold.
Anyway.  I am nervous about surgery.  I am nervous about the outcome.  I am even nervous about the needles.  Uhhh.
But I still hold onto hope.  I have too.  I can't allow it keep doing this to me.  I want to live.  It is amazing how you can take those small life moments for granted.  I feel like I wasted so much of my healthy youth.  Wow I can be depressing, sorry.  It's hard not to feel like this when you have been stuck in bed for a while.
I am just grateful for my husband and my kids, who love me and are willing to put up with me. Thank you Tony, and my babies.  You all mean the world to me and I don't know where I would be without you.
Wish me luck.

Puppy Post

This is Vlad. (top)  That is Jasper. (bottom)
They are our two new additions.  They are English Masstiff puppies.  Their personalities are perfect for our family, you just have to get past the drooling.  Otherwise, they are perfect home bodies.  We have had this breed before, and love them dearly.  When we had to put down Gus, who had a horrible case of bloat, we did not think that we would want another so soon, but it turned out we did. Here they are.  Our new loves, even though Gus is never far from our thoughts.

A thought

The greatest gift we can give is a little bit of ourselves.

Just a thought.

The Gilbert Temple Open House

  I got a chance to go to the Gilbert Temple open house, here in Arizona, on Thursday with my family.  We have watched them build this spectacular bit of heaven almost since the beginning.  To go through it and see its extraordinary beauty for ourselves was quite a gift for the spirit.  I feel that I am incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to see on a regular basis.  I also feel blessed to have the knowledge that these buildings are a gift from my Father in Heaven, because he wants us to have every opportunity to have eternal families, and all of the strength he can offer us.

Quote I Appreciate

I love this quote from Gordon B. Hinckley's book, "One bright shining Hope".

He said, " Life is never a failure until we call it such.  There are so many who need your helping hands, your loving smile, your tender thoughtfulness."

That is so true. We can do so much good in this life, if we only take the time, besides we only fail if we don't try.  I hope that you will take the time to look for those things that will uplift you, inspire you, or make you feel happy and peaceful.  This book of quotes has been all of that for me.
Hugs friends.