I love the holidays for so many reasons, but I am finding myself struggling these days. My son would have been 19 years old on the 14th of December, and I miss him so much. I miss all of my "waiting" little ones.
I have my children who keep me active, living, moving, loving, and laughing, but it does not make everything go away. Some people try to smile through it, or do not feel like they have reason to grieve, because they have loved ones here on earth that need them, but this kind of pain cannot be erased. Neither should it. My pain makes me grateful, but it is also a part of me. I cannot shut it off, like a valve on a faucet. I adore all of my children, and that makes missing them, and longing for those stolen moments that much harder.
I have a very strong testimony of the gospel. I have a very strong faith in my Father in Heaven. I have a unshakable faith that my children are waiting for me and that we can be a family forever. That is not the problem.
My problem is simply this, I miss them.
My son was 11 days old on his first Christmas. My daughter never made it to her second. My other daughter, never took a breath, she never had a Christmas.
Is my life filled with the joys of my "living" children... of course, but what you have to understand though is that I love all of my children equally, and when even one of them is away (for the day, or a trip, or whatever) my heart aches for them. I love my family and would give my life for them, but a parent should never outlive a child. It is a heartache that is indescribable.
I am excited about Christmas. I love having the tree up and watching the lights twinkle. I love to look at the ornaments that represent each important moment in our lives, but my body remembers, my "Psyche" will not let me forget the pain.
Trauma, of whatever kind, stays with you. Our bodies are forever changed by what we experience. I believe, and have seen doctors who have researched it, have found that trauma does stay with us. It imprints on our bodies and minds.
You just have to do your best.
You can give yourself a day or two to feel like crap, and then do whatever you can to start to shake it off. Take a walk. Get some quiet time. See friends, or whatever works for you. Just hang in there and be gentle with yourself.
Remember though that there is no time limit on grief. NO ONE has the right to tell you to let it go, or get on with your life, and despite your faith, you can still struggle. Our Heavenly Father understands what we are going through. He allows us time to grieve, as long as we do not allow ourselves to be consumed by it. You can have your bad days, but you have to try again. I have been through all types of moments, some lingered too long, and some were just a moment or a bad day. I have to make a conscious effort during all of those moments. It is not impossible, but it is something that you have to work at. No one can change things for you, only you can do that.
Job 2:13
13. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him; for they saw that his grief was very great.
Others understand... I understand.
The holidays are a glorious time of year, my favorite time of year, but it sometimes comes with a bitter sweet bite. Allow yourself the moments, but do your best to see the joy. There is still so much fun to be had.
P.S. This is why I write. I was having a hard time, but feel so much better having gotten it out. Thanks for listening and I hope that you have a wonderful, memory filled, fun, memory making holiday.
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