But what can you do? What can I do?
I take my medicine. I take my moments, when I feel out of control. I listen to guided meditation, it helps me to relax and unwind. I like to listen to music. It affects our mood too. I play way to much facebook games though, and I should avoid it, because it is a band-aid that distracts me from doing productive things with myself, like developing my talents. I am struggling with what to do with myself.
I know that I am talented in certain ways. I love to write, and have written two novels, even if I am not published or known yet, I can be proud of that. Even though I am struggling to believe in myself. I am a decent artist, and would love to illustrate professionally. However, I struggle to see the value in my work. I am smart, but believe and always have that I am unskilled.
I love my husband and family more than I could ever express in this lifetime, but everyday I feel like I let them down. I feel like I am the worst mother ever, because I cannot be there for them in the ways that a mother should, and I have so much guilt that I cannot breathe.
I suffer from ailments like a issues with my back, that cannot be resolved. I suffer from hip issues, chronic headaches, and migraines. I suffer from an eating disorder, and the side effects of years of dealing with it. I am pre-diabetic, and I am sad. I am sad to say that I suffer from P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) brought on by trauma. I suffer from depression. I also suffer with P.M.D.D. (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder), which makes your emotions out of control, like PMS on steroids, or as my family calls them, my psycho days. So sad that tears are not enough to wash it away, or lower the tide in my heart.
Why am I telling you all of this? I am telling you this because I don't want anyone in this world to go without the knowledge that they are not alone, because you are not. Really not. I want to be honest in my dealings with others. I want to be a source of information, compassion, understanding, support for whoever needs it, because I have felt alone in this for a very long time.
We all suffer from something. We all suffer in silence, putting on a smile so that no one knows how much pain we are in (emotional or otherwise). Tony, my husband, always reminds me that I don't have to smile and laugh all the time, to make others feel better. He reminds me that the doctors will not take me seriously, if I pretend to be happy. I am pretending, more than I want to admit. It is hard to hold on sometimes. It is hard to believe in myself, or that there is a silver lining somewhere, out there. It is hard to remember that I am a daughter of God, a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me and knows my potential. I have faith in that, but my head often tries erase that from my memory.
I want to be a source of strength. Most people believe that I am so strong, because of all that I have been through, and I can still smile. That is true... I can still smile, and I am strong, especially more than I ever thought I could be, but I am also dealing with a swirling tornado that touches down randomly in my mind and in my heart, tearing me up again. When this happens, I have to stop what I am doing, and try to sort it all out again. It is a day stopper. It is a life halter. It makes me sad that I have to deal with the devastation caused by the touching down of the emotional tornado.
I am sad because I cannot stop it. I can only do my best.
I read my scriptures, go to church when I can, listen to talks from church leaders, and I try to absorb things that are good for me, for instance, my favorite art, music, shows, activities, like doing puzzles, playing solitaire, watching a good movie, sometimes one that makes me laugh, or something that makes me cry, yes on purpose. Crying is a wonderful release. Laughing is great too. Working on a craft, or working to develop my talents or learn a new one. It all helps, but I have to push myself to do it. I have to force myself to do it. I have to make myself want it. Is there days that I cannot? Are there days where I fail? Are there days when getting out of bed is impossible? Are there days when I do not want to speak, or even be? The answer is yes.
But do I keep going? Yes... why? I have too. I love my family. I love my Lord. I love my children who are waiting for me in Heaven, and need me to be worthy to get back to them. I believe that my Father who is in heaven has a plan, and that plan is for my good. I believe that he will never allow anything to happen that is more than I can handle, and because of that I am flattered. Apparently he believes that there is more that I am capable of than I ever imagined that I would be. I am a survivor. I am proud to be a survivor, but I am also a person who has to learn how to live, and not just exist.
Do you feel like you are only existing? Day to day feels so hard that there is no joy in your day? Are financial troubles so taxing on your mind that there is no where to turn for relief? I am with you. I understand. I am there. I pray daily that it will end, and right now I struggle to believe that it will. But will I give up today... no.
Today I want to live. Today I want to struggle through and see what tomorrow brings. Today I want to love my children, and when they come in to see me, while I lie in my bed, in agony and pain, I want them to know how happy I am to see them. I want them to know that they mean the world to me, and that the time they took to come upstairs and see me means something to me. I want to give them my best hello, my most sincere smile, and warmest hug. I will ask them about their day, and try to push aside my guilt of not being able to share it with them. I will try to push away the thoughts, the reality, that I am not the person they deserve right now, but instead remind myself that they are valued, and loved with all of my heart, and that I want to be with them, as much as I can, and then I apologize again, sincerely, even though they tell me it is okay. I have a mother who is in the same position. I grew up watching my mother wither, until she can no longer be here for us in the ways I know she would be if she could. So on my good days, I do my best. On my bad days, I do my best not to take it out on them, and get through it with the goal of doing better tomorrow.
I suffer from debilitating depression, but I will not let it win! I promise myself that.
What will you do to get through today? Because some days you have to have a plan. And some days we have to get ourselves out of bed, even if only to sit on a recliner where you can be present in the room with your loved ones. Some days you have to decide that you are tired of being tired, and do your best to push yourself forward. Does that mean that you cannot have a bad day? No. Does that mean that you cannot cry yourself to sleep in you bed? No. Does that mean that you cannot take some quiet time, away from it all? No. Does that mean that it is okay to give up? No! You cannot give up. I promise to you, anyone who reads this, and to myself that I will not give up. I will not stop trying. I will not quit.
I might not be strong enough to say that tomorrow, and tomorrow I might need to lean on my husband's shoulder, but for today, I will not give up.
Turn to your friends, turn to your family, and if you have none of those, and even if you do, turn to your God. However you define Him. He will be there, even if it is just to listen. If you don't have a God, or friends, or family, write it down. It helps. You will feel stronger today... because you got it out. You will have released some of the pressure in your heart and mind. You will feel a little less sad. I do. Having written this has helped me, but more than that, I hope that it has helped you.
You are not alone, not really.
All my love and support, for whatever you might be struggling with, even if you are just sad for a day and do not have clinical depression, because that is hard too.
Ask yourself also, have you been kind to someone today. Have you served someone through an act of kindness, or called , written, emailed, texted someone today that has been on your mind?
That will also help.
And if you are so inclined, even if you have never done it before, have you prayed?
Begin with Our Father in Heaven...
and end with I say this, or I ask this in the the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
In between those two phrases, just tell him what is on your mind. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you are fed up, tired, struggling, depressed, frustrated, and maybe try to remember to tell him what you are thankful for. Counting your blessings is not just a simple phrase... it helps.
Anyway, thank you for listening to me today. It helped. I send you my compassion, my empathy, and my prayers. I send you my tenderness and hopeful thoughts. I send you my love (in a friendship sort of way).
I am struggling, but I have made a choice. I have decided... not to give up.
Good luck everyone. You are not alone.