Have you ever been afraid?
Have you ever felt the fear that takes you and won't let go?
The fear I mention is real and undaunted. It will not let go. It does not leave you feeling hope or joy. It leaves you afraid... afraid that someone will see you. Not physically...though I do worry about the judgement that comes with my physical issues... of which there a few. I fear that if I try to tell the world my story... no one will listen... no one will care... it won't make a difference... I fear that I will be rejected, mocked, or hurt by the judgments of others. I fear that my life is worthless. I fear that I have no purpose. I fear... I just have so much fear.
There are all kinds of quotes about fear... taken from those who are stronger than me. All you have to do is go to a google search and type in the word fear (under images or quotes) and you will find more than you thought possible on the subject. Could that be, because we ALL feel it?
Something to think about.... isn't it?
But why then do we have YouTube? NO ONE WANTS TO BE FORGOTTEN! No one. Not even me. Everyone has something worth while about them... even if they don't know it themselves, and there is a desire to share it with anyone who will listen. I just had a thought. If not for fear... why would people stay in a relationship that is toxic for them? Could it be fear of being alone? Maybe partly. I don't assume to know the minds of everyone... I can only speak for myself, and I am fearful.
I've been contemplating doing a vlog for YouTube, but my fear tells me... I will be judged. No one will like me. No one will listen or watch. What would be the point? I'm not good enough. There is so much fear inside of me that it is keeping me from doing those things that I feel like I should.
I also have other fears... such as being in a crowd, or walking down a dimly lit street at night by myself... who would do that anyway though... really? I mean really. I have fear that I will have to live the rest of my life in pain. (truly). I deal with chronic pain every day. (Only the level of pain and my tolerance level changes from day to day, but it is always there.) I am not overly fond of spiders, and I have an irrational fear of the telephone. Not that it will shock me or something, but that I won't know what to say, or that I will say something stupid... so I avoid it as much as I can. I guess it is a self esteem issue, which I believe falls under the category of fear.
See there seems to be a million things to be afraid of, but from what I have begun to read and understand, there are a million and one reasons not to let fear rule your life. There are so many people, much braver than I, who have overcome their fears, and I guess writing this blog is a step in that direction for me, but fear is a powerful emotion, one that has anchored my life into one unfulfilled place. I grow, but I don't progress sort of thing. Why?
Why do we do it to ourselves?
I guess to explain...(light bulb moment), and oddly enough... some of my fear of the phone stems from a prank pulled on me by two of the popular boys in school when I was in high school. They called me pretending to be a woman in need of help, like clothing, sanitary napkins, etc... that were personal in nature. They then laughed, after quite a few minutes of leading me down this path, and told me who they were. They thought it was hysterical that I was so concerned for this imaginary person, but it was sad to me. They thought my kindness and my desire to help someone was something to be joked about and prayed upon. It crushed me. I was being made fun of because I was nice. How stupid is that... right? But it changed me a little. It made me less trusting (at a time when that was hard enough as it was). Their little prank taught me that I was foolish and simple, and gullible. It hurt my feelings. It hurt who I was. It is now part of my fear. It still hurts 20 something years later. So stupid. In fact, I even feel a little stupid for sharing that story with you, but there it is.
We all have fears. We all have reasons for why we do not follow our dreams. We all have fears that keep us trapped in a life unfulfilled, and honestly... it sucks.
I do not want to live in fear, however it is still a big part of why I am hear. I am afraid that I won't make a difference... so I do this blog. It is one little toe into the great ocean of life. The water (or the atmosphere of life is cold), but I want to keep trying. Don't they always say that if the water is cold you just have to jump in... you'll get used to it quicker? Maybe that will be a part of my plan, my goal.... I will try harder just to jump in, maybe I will find my courage somehow.
So... in conclusion... lol...Here is one last quote, or image that I found that I wanted to share with you... whoever you are. I thought it summed it all up pretty well.