Monday, July 13, 2015


What do you do when the tears swell and you fear that they may not stop... once they start to fall?
I've been facing that these last few days.  I am so down... so sorrowful... and feeling so incredibly defeated.  Have you ever had to face the reality that things you had hope in... are not to be? Whether that be applied to new friendships, new experiences, nearly accomplished goals that failed, or whatever else has failed you?  There is a sorrow that comes so sweepingly that you might fear that it will overwhelm you and devour your hope and joy all in one wave.  I feel that way.  
Sorrow is such an engulfing emotion, one that makes me feel as though my entire body is giving up.  If you are like me, and you feel deeply, emotions like sadness, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, discouragement can devastate you.  It does me.  I feel as though all of my energy is gone.  I feel as though I want to give up.  I feel as though I've lost hope.  I feel as if I don't know where to go from here.  It is a deep ache, and it wears me out.
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life time.  I also suffer from P.T.S.D.  It is not easy.  I am grateful that I have been diagnosed with traumatic depression (not clinical depression).  The differences being that traumatic depression can be dealt with in therapy. Clinical depression needs not only therapy, but medication.  Either of which you should NEVER be ashamed of.  These are the reactions our bodies have to the things we go through and how we have been made.  It is not something that you can just "snap out of", as some people insist we should be able to do.  That is NEVER the case.  You cannot just decide to snap out of it... It just won't work.  You might be able to rally for a short time, but in the long term... it will return unless you get the help that you need, and I needed help.  I am not ashamed to say it.  I did not even begin to recover and find myself (despite medication for years) until I started to work out my problems with a therapist.  She has helped me tons.
What I want to point out though is... even with therapy... even with medication... I still face sorrow, disappointment, worry, and just plain bad days.  I am having one of those days... well a few of those days.  I am just plain sad.  I don't want to post my issues and who they are with or why they are happening in public.  This is not facebook where people plaster their problems for all the world to read, but I do want to talk about how I feel.  I feel sad. 
Tears are never far from trickling.  My body is reacting to my stress, which is not helping when I already suffer from excruciating, chronic back pain.  My therapist told me this is just one way that some people display their stress.  You may have another physical response, but I know that you understand that whatever your reaction... it drains you.  I am currently drained.
I just wish people came with a warning tag.  It might say something like, "WARNING: I am not who you are looking for.  Keep moving onward. I will only disappoint you and leave you spent."
I wish that, but they just don't come that way.  Sometimes you just have to try... and then deal with the aftermath.  
Some people delve into a bucket of ice cream.  Some people eat to feel better.  Some people will draw, paint, sculpt it out. Some might write about it (like me obviously), or even write poetry about it. Some of us will blast the music to fit our mood, or to try to change it. Some of us will watch a sad movie and cry it out, or listen to music that reflects how we feel, and cry it out.  Sometimes we just want to stay in bed, in the dark, to be left alone for what we hope will be a million years.  That never fixes anything, but expressing our pain helps.  Holding it in only makes us a ticking time bomb.
Sorrow is painful, and wearing.  We ache.  We cry. We get angry. We feel bad about ourselves.  We have a hard time seeing that this will pass.  However, NEVER let anyone tell you that you are wrong for how you feel... unless you assumed something that might not be true... then you are most likely wrong, but you should not let anyone determine how you are going to feel.
More often than not, when we hurt and just need someone to be supportive and compassionate.  That is not to much to ask in my view.
Right now... I am full of sorrow.  I have been disappointed, let down, and rejected.  I am sad, and honestly, despite my logical mind trying to convince me that I am going to be okay... I just want to hermit away and be lost in my sorrow for a few days.  I know I will feel better.  I just don't today.  That is just how it is, and that is okay, because I know it will pass.  
My advice, just take care of yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.  Be forgiving of yourself, and if you need a moment... take it.  If you like to journal... do that.  If you like to get creative... do that.  If you like to putter in the garden... do it.  If you like to cry to a good movie, or melancholic sorts of music... do that.  If you just need a good, long nap... do that.  Just do what you need. It will be okay. I will try to follow my own advice.
  I don't know who said it but, "This too shall pass." I promise.

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