Monday, February 15, 2016

Lost Friendship, Treasured Memories... and Risks Without Regret...

Okay, so this is either a midlife crisis, or this is me.  Personally.... speaking for myself, this is me.  The me inside of me that has been to afraid to show itself. I attribute this to the hard work I have been doing in therapy.  Yes, therapy.  I am NOT afraid to say it.  I have had to have a lot of therapy, and I am not ashamed.  I would never be ashamed, because it is giving me my life back.  I am finally finding myself, the self that I hid for all of these painful years.  I know that if you think back to when you were a kid, when you were innocent.  When you were simple, not yet jaded by life.  I want to be that person again, and I think I am finding it.  If you were a kid and your mom said... sure you can dye your hair blue... would you?  I remember saying stuff like, "When I'm a grown up I'm gonna eat as much junk as I want.  I'm gonna watch cartoons until my eyes fall out. I'm gonna stay up late and never take a bath." Okay that last one was a bit much, but do you know what I mean?
So I'm  43 and I decided that no matter what people might say, which was really hard to do, because I fear judgement, I was going to do my hair funky.  My kids actually helped me search for a color they liked.  I grew up with blue is for boys and pink is for girls, so blue was a hang up of mine, but you know what... my birthstone is sapphire, so I thought... just go for it.  What do you have to lose.  Because of my life events, tragedies, and the chronic back, neck and hip pains that I have suffered with for years has made it impossible to make and keep friends.  I am so glad that I have my husband and my kids, because without them... I would have no one.  This is not a pity party (as we used to say when we were kids), this is just my truth. I think I'm a nice person.  I am shy, but nice, and obviously secretly crazy, but that is not a reason not to be my friend.
Anyway, what got me started today was that I got a message on facebook from one of my oldest and dearest friend.  She is one of a small group of girls that shared my life in my most difficult years.  We haven't talked since we all turned 18, but I miss them more than I would ever express.  However, there was a lot of thing's I was afraid to tell her.They did not know the horrors I was going through at the time, not because I did not trust them to love me through it, but because they were my safe place at a tragic and difficult time.
Do you remember what it was like to turn 13?  Do you remember the way it felt when you were thirteen (girls) going through all of those changes?  Our bodies were changing into these strange and alien things, and we were beginning to leave our childhood behind.
My daughter is now 13 years old and I see her tenderness.  I am helping her through her fear.  I am supporting her through this scary time in her life, and it crushes me to see her fear.  Then I realized with the weight of a ton of bricks landing on my heart that that was the same age that I was when I was assaulted (raped), a word that up until a few months ago I couldn't hear or say without losing it.
Because of therapy I can finally deal with it.  I wish I could have told my friends, but I was not sure how they would react.  I went from an innocent 13 year old, to an adult in a split second.  I did not have time to enjoy my life. However, the only time I found any peace and joy was when I was with my friends.  They made me complete.  They made me laugh until I hurt. They gave me hope and peace.  I can never thank them enough for the friendship and love they gave me so freely and easily.  How do you express the love you have for what they unconsciously did?  I don't know, but I pray I can find them again.
Now, I realize that life happens. I know that family can make little time available for other people, but in my heart I truly hope that somehow we can find a glimpse of what we had.  That would make me happier than I could ever say.  I don't resent any of them.  I don't have one ill feeling toward any of them.  They have and will always be that spot in my heart filled with love, friendship, joy and some of the best memories that I have ever had. Even if I never get the chance to see them, talk to them, or be in their lives again... they will always be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers. I have nothing but joy, gratitude, and treasured memories when I think of them.  Which is so strange, because so much was happening to me at that time.  They were my absolutely safe and happy place. How do you let go of friends that you love so much? Well, you grow up. You have different paths. You need each other less and less.  We move... we live... different paths can split up the closest of friends.  I considered them sisters, but just like my daughter preparing to live her life without our constant care, we all have different lives to live.
I just want you to think for a moment about those you love, what they mean to you, and be grateful you have them, even if it is only for a moment.  I will forever be grateful for them.  God bless guys and be grateful for the loves in your lives. This is my one request of anyone who reads this is that you live... laugh... love... with pure happiness.  Hang on to those who think you are interesting, funny, sweet, smart, and who share your sense of wonder and love for who appreciate you for who you are. There are so few people who can find that kind of love and friendship. I am lucky enough to have found not only the love of my life, but my very best friend.  Thank you Tony for being here for me in the aftermath of my life.  I love you and I thank you for supporting and loving me through it all.  I am so happy to be sharing my recovery with you too.  You are amazing and I don't think I would have anyone, if I didn't have you.  God bless guys.  Hang in there and love those who are closest to you. Later.


  1. Gail! (this is Amy by the way...) I contemplated a post on my blog for valentines day. All about love and landscapes. How our love could look like a landscape and what that would be. How it changes over time to become a gallery in our life. I how sometimes it's landscape poetry, sometimes it's a painting. I wrote three poems for it. But never wrote the post. You're brave, and I love the hair, because I see that as a reflection of the love you have in your life. It's gorgeous! This is one of the poems I wrote. I thought of it when I saw your hair. : ) I didn't have a title for it, but I think I do now. Thank you for that inspiration.
    Redemption’s Plan
    made Love simple
    Our stories counterfeit that
    will full loss
    complicates and compounds cost
    Have you ever felt lost
    in that space between
    what you know
    and what you feel
    because you know that
    what you feel is real
    But that surviving leads
    to striving not contriving
    love for all Natures
    thoughts are wild
    but love is always kind

    1. Sorry about the extra "l" on your name, it wouldn't let me edit...