I saw this quote posted by a friend of mine on Facebook and I loved it. It was a sledgehammer moment. It truly is the story of my life. I guess we all have to hit rock bottom before we begin to realize what matters most and what really doesn't. I had changed all of myself... seriously... all of myself to try to fit in. I changed the way I looked, starved myself, I compromised the way I dressed, and spoke in turn giving up my values. I also changed my laugh... yes my laugh. I behaved in a way that was contradictory to everything that I had been raised to know. I gave up everything that was important to me and everything that made me who I was, all in the name of fitting in. I was a lost little girl who got into a lot of trouble. I did not even recognize myself by the end. Where did that leave me? In the end, I was still alone, and forgotten. I was hurt, and I was confused. I was dying and I did not know how I was ever going to survive. That was the moment when I gave up. I had nothing left of me... I felt worth saving. It was then that I met my husband. My white knight. He loved me for who he saw behind the pain. Unfortunately, he had a lot of pain and baggage too. We loved each other deeply and dearly, but we struggled. Plus we had the challenges that were more trial than joy, but we made it, all the way to therapy, almost 24 years later. We've done a lot... I mean a lot... of hard work. We still are, but are getting there.
Our therapist recently told us... last week in fact... that we should not be here... as a couple. We should not have survived... together. Anyone else would have quit. We have come close. We have struggled to the point of near breaking. We have bent to the point of near bursting. However, we are still here. We are surviving. We are still learning. We are growing. We have good days and bad days, but we are doing it together. You know, it is easier to give up, and sometimes you should, there are lots of cases when you should, but it is easier to quit. I am not judging your situation... not for a second. You know what is best for you in your circumstances.
Think about it for a moment, does anyone ever want to admit that they screwed up? It is the hardest thing to do... to analyze yourself, what you are doing wrong, what you are doing right, what you can do better, what mistakes you made, and apologize for them. Try that... just once. Try to look at your mistakes, and NOT blame others for the situation you are in. It is hard. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I always tried to deflect blame onto someone else. It wasn't until I took responsibility for my own actions and reactions that I started to grow. But it is HARD.
You know the whole butterfly analogy. Well, we all have to go through the transformation. We have to be real and honest, and ready to do it. We have to make hard decisions. We have to remove those things and people in your life that are negative and toxic. You may have to say goodbye to someone who is not good for you. You may have to overcome addiction. You may even have to decide that it is better to be alone rather than do those things, behaviors, whatever that has compromised your values. You may even have to figure out what values are, or which ones you want to develop. It all begins with the first step. You have to be patient with yourself and forgiving of yourself. You may even have to forgive someone who wronged you. (I have written about that topic before). Forgiveness is NEVER for the one you are forgiving... you are letting go of pain and wrongs for yourself. To free your own soul. Pain and anger only destroy you. It is hard.
You also have to have a little faith in yourself. You have to try to believe that you are worth it. You have to give it everything you've got, and give in to the process. You can do it. I know you can. I am still doing it. But we all can do it. Just one step at a time, with a little help, a lot of prayer, and time. You can do it. Be patient with yourself and don't be afraid to get help... even if you think you can do it on your own. It does not mean that you are weak or a loser... it means that you are human. People get training for this... seriously...
Don't give up and know that I understand what you are going through... because I am doing it too, and I have to tell you... IT IS WORTH IT!
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