Holocaust Documentaries

These are two documentaries that I have watched recently on Netflix.  They are amazing stories.  My Aunt and Uncle grew up during the war in Germany, and my mother was born there during that time.  My grandparents left Germany when my mother was nine years old.  I will not begin to speculate on their motives or anything of that manner, but I have always had a fascination with that time in our history.  It was horrific and criminal, but learning about survivors and their stories inspires me. I love to learn about the lives of others. We have so much to learn from each other, if we are willing to listen.  It is shocking to me what people can survive.  We all have something to learn.  I hate, "hate" and I just plain wish it did not exist.  There are so many stupid reason that people hate each other. Underneath it all we are just the same.  If you dissect us... we are all the same.  Why do we get so hung up and mean over our differences such as skin color, appearance, religion, all of that?  I just don't understand it.  Maybe I'm weird that way, but I tend to judge people on how they behave more than what they look like... now I will not say that I am not shocked or do a double take every now and then, but I tend not to leave it at that.  My next thought is usually... I wonder what they are like, and why they made that decision... etc.  Now that is not to say that some people are just plain creepy, or scary... there are those in our society with deprivation, and malice in their hearts.  I think we spot them "mostly" because it is our inner warning to avoid them.
My question is why do we love entertainers who are unique, out there, different, have a special sound, look, or attitude?  Why do we love celebrities who have that something that makes them stand out if it is such a bad thing to be different?  Why do we try so hard to be like everyone else?  We are often so desperate to fit in, and I think that it is because we are terrified of being alone and forgotten.  But does that make it our right to belittle others, persecute others, or make anyone feel bad about who they are?
Maybe that came from me having two special needs children.  When you get to know people who have "different abilities", handicaps, or limitations you kind of have to get over how they look and look at their hearts.  Special needs people are the last group of people to get any sort of respect, or acceptance, and unless you let yourself see into their hearts... you just won't get it.  They are angels on earth.  They are purer and more innocent than any of us, and yet I have heard the sorts of things that people say to them, "the bullies of the world" and often it is unbelievable what comes out of their mouths.  I have seen hatred and intolerance.  I have witnessed ugliness, and to me that is the worst sort of hatred.
 The Holocaust moves me, and it saddens me to my core.  It bewilders me (that it could have happened at all). It was a time in history that I worry we did not learn from.  We are doing nothing to stop the horrors that are happening in this world even today.  Why?  Why?  I don't understand.  Why do we allow anyone to kill in the name of intolerance?  When did this become acceptable? Why is it allowed?
We jump into the mob mentality so easily.  If there is something or someone who is considered "not cool" or is socially mandatory in order for us to fit in we shoot it down.  We make you feel bad and we persecute you.  We have a way of just making your life generally miserable.  Why?
If you think its nuts to be religious... you think it's okay to mock and declare that Jesus is an "imaginary friend".  If you think the only way you can have fun is to be drunk or high, everyone else is stupid, lame, and a loser.  I don't get it.  We waste so much energy hating on so many level and for so many reasons.  I just don't get it. If you want proof of that state anything in support of the unpopular on facebook and watch the claws and horrible, hate filled comments fly.  I have witnessed great... spitting... venomous debates flair up on facebook over the most minor of opinions.  It is crazy to me.  It is as if people lay in wait for the words to be said so they can attack.
WHY DO WE DO IT?
My point of all of this is... life is too short, hate sucks, and there is just too much pain inflicted willingly in the world.  If I think about it too much... well I just can't... it crumbles me inside, but it felt good to make my point.  If you don't agree, or think I am lame... frankly... that is your problem, not mine.  I have a voice and in our country we have defended the freedom of speech that allows me the opportunity (that I am glad and grateful to have) to say what I feel I should.  So if you read this far, "Thank You."  If you think I suck, I'm sorry you feel that way, but thank you never the less.  I do appreciate your time.  I just thought that someone had to start the conversation.  I hope that I did.
Have a great day everyone.

My view on YouTube

Okay... so I have been trying to catch up on all the YouTube channels that my kids watch and I have to be honest.  I was a little leery about their absolute attention to some of those channels.  I have kids who range from 7 to 20.  I have to worry, it is my job, and I have to pry because I believe that is what a good parent does... I think that (at least to a point).  I don't believe in reading diaries... unless you are concerned for their safety.  I'm just putting that out there.  I was one of those kids that if my parents had known more about me they might have been able to help me... but I kept them as in the dark as much as I could.  I have learned better since then though.  I have apologized for my past often... but I never miss the opportunity to do it again, to apologize I mean.
I've been checking these people out... and love a lot of them.  However, I have to say that, I REALLY wish that people did not swear... at least less than they do... I am very impressed with a good majority of YouTubers.  My kids have good taste.  I have even found some that I myself have become hooked on.  There are some crazy talented people out there!
The one thing that I want to celebrate about YouTube is that it has given a voice to so many creative, funny, smart, beautiful, talented, and charismatic people who might have not had a chance to live their dreams any other way.  YA YOU!!  Seriously...  It has given nerds, geeks, all cultures, all races, all of us the ability to find our voice.  How exciting is that?  I know that not everyone gets to the heights that they dream of, but you have a voice and an opportunity to express yourself, share your talent, share your view, and for some of you, share your support for each other.  I have heard from a lot of the tubers that I love do segments related to support for us as a public to feel confident, follow your dreams, don't let anyone say you are not good enough, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't... whatever that is to you.  I love that.  We have bullies in the world.  We have haters and trolls in the world.  We have others who quite simply... live to shoot others down because it makes them feel better about themselves.  I hate that.  I have been bullied, and I have to say that NO ONE deserves that.  NO ONE!  It does not have to be part of growing up... like some people who have obviously never been bullied... say.  It is not okay.  It is not fair. It is not acceptable.  YouTube is giving those kids a chance to prove those people wrong... because they are!
Now, here's the rub... for as many great YouTubers out there... who really do great things, inspiring things, fun things, fascinating, and creative things... there are a lot of dopes, perverts, idiots, etc... too.  I HATE things that are vulgar, pervie, and full of swearing.  It makes me sad.  I will also say right now that I AM NOT A PRUDE!  I adore British humor that has PLENTY of language, naughty jokes... etc, and I absolutely love it!  I shouldn't, but I do.  It is just my weakness.  I cannot pass up a good British sitcom (mystery or drama either to point a fact).  But dirty jokes just for the shock value... I hate.  Language bothers me, and frankly I've used it all (in my past).  I don't like to admit that... but there it is.  Now that I have children and am getting... sigh... older... I have just found that I hate it.  It is ugly to me.  I miss manners.  I miss when people did not swear around children, just because it was not done.  We did not swear around adults, or women.  Just to be polite.  I miss that. Okay.,, and before you say anything... I DO choose not to watch them... I don't subscribe to them.  I KNOW that it is just that easy.  I am just saying that I wish it wasn't part of reality.
Anyway... that is my tangent on that.  My point is... I just wish it wasn't this way.  There is so much talent out there.  There is so much beauty out there.  Does it have to be muddied?  It's like someone once told me... it's like hiking up to a beautiful, sparkling, clear mountain stream, and you look up and someone is down stream peeing in it.  That is what I think that it is like.  There I said it.
I guess I want to say that I underestimated the importance, and power of YouTube.  It can be used as a fantastic tool for all of us to bridge the gaps and express ourselves.  I am impressed.  Bravo YouTube for giving all of us little people a chance to follow our dreams.  I am not a tuber, but our family has been considering it.  I know that what the dedicated ones do is really hard work... even if they make it look easy, but they are impressive and they devote their lives to what they do.  I wish them luck and so much success.  I just ask that you think about how you are using social media... are you doing good with it, or are you just putting out crap?  I'm just saying...
Anyway... bravo to those of you who are having fun, expressing yourselves, making a living for your families, doing amazing things, and just being awesome!  I cannot wait to look up more of you.  Good luck and I wish you success. 

Making Changes

What do you think about yourself?  Are you happy with yourself?  Do you believe that you are worthy of happiness?

I have struggled with that for much of my life. Correction... I still struggle with that, but I am happy to say that I am starting to make progress.  I started therapy a few months ago, and despite my fear, misgivings, and concerns, it is helping.

When I started I had an option, I could either begin with the easy issues or tackle the hardest ones.  I am grateful to say that I made the right choice, I started with the hardest most painful ones first.  Of course it would have been easy to start with the little things that plague me on a daily basis, but I found that I was ready for change.  I decided that I had been hurting long enough.  I realized that I had only been cheating myself.

When I started tackling the tough issues I realized how angry I really was.  I realized how much pain I was in, and more importantly I realized that I was hurting because of the things that had been done to me, not because of anything I had done to myself.  I am learning that I have to place blame where it belongs and take back... myself.  If I want to heal I have to let go of guilt.  I have to let go of sorrow.  I have to let go of the pain.  If I don't I will stay stuck.  I will stay limited.  I have stunted my own growth by not dealing with my issues.
Because I have been numb for so long, despite the love I have of my children and my husband, I have suffered.  I allowed my "baggage" to hinder and strain those precious relationships.  

I lost my confidence.  I lost my creative spirit.  I lost my happiness.  I lost myself.  

Unconsciously, I decided that I did not deserve joy, even in my everyday. Depression had a hold on me to the point that I did not believe that I was worth living for.  I found myself trapped in a circle of sorrow.

However, I am is not yet out of the woods.  I am struggling in my marriage.  My husband still loves me deeply and dearly, but I take no effort.  I allow myself to get locked in my physical pain and the excuses that come with it.  I allow myself to get trapped in my sorrow and feeling sorry for myself.  I allowed myself to give up and settle, until I do not think I can find another way.

It is not easy to face your past.  It is not easy to face your own short comings.  It is not easy admit your mistakes.  It is not easy to admit what it is in your life that is toxic, or who is toxic.  It is not easy to make the changes that it takes to find your happiness.  It takes time.  It takes devotion.  It takes direction and guidance. It takes patience and that dreaded word "forgiveness".  What I have discovered though was that forgiveness does not mean condoning.  It does not mean that you are letting someone get away with something.  Forgiveness to me means letting go, letting go of pain, letting go of the sorrow, letting go of the guilt.  It means saying you're worth fighting for.  I am learning to take responsibility for myself and my actions.  I have to take responsibility for my thoughts, and my behavior, even my mood.
In the doctors office they have a sign in the restroom that says, "Happiness is a choice".  I thought that was ridiculous...at first.  I thought it was a one of those cheesy sayings that meant nothing profound, but I have actually found that being happy really is a choice.  And what was worse was that I had chosen to be stuck in my pain, and I had settled in to being average and useless.  If those were choices than why couldn't I choose to be happy?
One of my problems is that I did not have faith that God had given me life and talents or that there was a reason that he had.  I did not have faith that He made me and knew what I was capable of.  I did not have faith that He cared about me...personally.  I did not care about myself, and since my family loved me I decided that that was enough.  In a way it should be, but is it really all I should strive for?  Didn't they deserve the best of me?  Didn't they deserve me happy?  I had to realize that I was not giving my family or myself the best care that I could.  I was not taking care of them or myself to the best of my ability.  I realized that I for them to be happy... I had to be happy.
I could not even be the best person that God knew I could be.  I had failed him.  I began to see that his life is a gift, and I was wasting it.  I had been given 7 beautiful children (three of which has passed on from Muscular Dystrophy), but I have 4 healthy children who keep me busy, and happy every day, and I have the hope of seeing my children again one day (in the next life "heaven").  I have been blessed with my best friend as my husband.  He has struggled with me.  He has loved me.  He has seen me at my worst.  I hope he will see me at my very best... one day.
I have been blessed with creativity.  I am artistic.  I am a writer... hoping to get published.  I am a mother, and a kind person.  I love imagination.  I love nature.  I love music, and the way it makes me feel.  I love that I have a love of my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I struggle.  I get sad.  I don't always see the beauty in my world or my day, but I am improving.  I want to keep improving.  I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy my life and start living it.  I don't want to waste any more time.  I have thrown away so much.
I am not there yet, but I am not going to quit trying.  I am going to keep working at it.  I am going to keep praying for help.  I am going to continue to do those things my therapist suggests.  I am going to keep being honest with myself and take responsibility for myself and my thoughts.  It isn't easy, and I will continue to struggle, and I will have good days and bad, but I have decided that no one can change my life, but me.  Those people around me that I love and love me, deserve for me to try.
I also had another realization.  I lost three of my children too soon.  They did not have the opportunity to run, jump and play. They did not have the chance to live and make their lives reach their potential.  They could not express their thoughts.  They could not enjoy their lives.  We worked very hard to make them comfortable and happy, but there was only so much we could for them.  I am blowing the chance that was taken away to soon from them.  I owe them better.  I deserve better and so do you.
Now, I don't know if this is going to help anyone.  I don't even know if anyone will read this.  I don't know if there is any point to this, but I hope... I hope this will help someone.  I hope it will give someone encouragement.  I hope that I might encourage someone to rediscover themselves, or inspire someone at least to search.  I don't want to wait for good to come to me... I want to make it happen.  I envy those who live their lives to the fullest, although I would bet that there are not as many out there doing it as we might think.
Don't you want to do that?  It all starts with a baby step.  You take one at a time, and then you take another one, and then another.  It seems that simple, but it might not be that simple. However, as long as you are moving forward you will get there.  Do what is best for you and those you love.  You don't have to make excuses to anyone.  You just have to start.  It is my prayer that if anyone is suffering... you figure it out for yourself.  I hope that you will figure out what is hurting you, and work those things out of your life.  You deserve it.  Just don't give up... no matter what you pain you have to endure on the journey... you are worth it.  It will get easier... and I will keep on encouraging you as I learn and grow too.  You are not taking this journey alone.
P.S.  Write me... writermom@yahoo.com
  

   

My Effort to Work Out and Overcome my Depression.

Wow, it is July already.  I had no idea that so much time has passed. I have been trying to get back into the grove of life, and it hasn't been easy.  I did have a good workout with my husband today though.  I appreciate his support.  I feel like a bowl of jello trying to get started, but I guess you have to begin somewhere.
I hate to say it, but I was always skinny, in fact, I was anorexic.  So I never had to exercise the discipline it takes to stay healthy.  Then when I got married and had my first child ten months later, I had difficulty taking off the weight, especially because my son had Muscular Dystrophy.  Along with upending my world he took all of my focus.  I did not have the time or thought of taking care of myself.  When my son was thirteen months old I got pregnant again with a healthy baby girl.  My son passed away when he was three years and nine months old.  I was pregnant three months later. I was  not replacing my son, it was a choice made prayerfully.  Unfortunately, my next daughter was born with the same condition as my son, only her onset came much sooner, and took her much earlier.  She was only twenty months old. I had two children, and then I had a still birth in my twenty-seventh month.  Needless to say, between pregnancy, (getting bigger each time) and the deep depression I was fighting I had little time or desire to care for myself.
My oldest daughter is now nineteen and my youngest has just turned seven.  I am blessed, and I do not regret the birth of any of my children, even though I have had my share of critics.  There are plenty of family and friends that could not handle it, or chose not to be a part of our lives.  To them I say, you truly missed out on angels on earth.  They would have changed you for the better to know them.
Depression and pain have been my biggest hindrance.  I fight it every day in fact.  I have become a loner, and don't socialize much.  I like people, but I find the social aspect of life difficult.  It is amazing how you can lose out on in life when nothing seems to help, or make you feel better.  It is a very consuming problem.  My family has become very good at recognizing my crazy days and giving me space.  Usually just a day to myself does the trick, but I know a lot of people who feel that way.
So with medication, the support of my family and my own frustration with the mirror and my clothes, I have decided that it is time to take care of myself and get healthy.  I am in my early forties now and my body does not work the way it used too. If I don't get started now... well I shudder to think of my future.
I started walking today.  I did a mile, but the awesome thing is that I used a DVD that takes you on a mile walk while you do arm and assorted leg excising while all the time you keep moving. It is so great. I highly recommend it. The DVD is by Leslie Sansone, "Walk Away the Pounds".  It got it at Target a long time ago, but I know she still puts out new videos.  I have to build up to her ab workout, that one is going to be a bugger.  I am nervous about that, but I think I will get there.
I got up this morning and did not take time to think.  I got dressed and immediately went down stairs, picked up the DVD that I left out for motivation and just did it.  My husband is always saying that, "Don't try, just do it."  He has always been a fitness buff.  I envied how men could lose weight so easily, at least mine can. I also admired his dedication.  I wish I had more of that.
I have to say that I feel pretty good.  It was hard at the time, and I was not sure I would be able to do the entire workout, but I did.  I am proud of my baby step.  That is what we have to do though, baby steps.  It is like that movie, "What about Bob?"  He had to take baby steps.
Do what you can do.  If it is only a few steps, drinking more water, or whatever works for you.  You have to make up your mind.  You cannot do it for anyone but yourself.  It won't work unless you do it for yourself.
I have also begun reading a book called, "Running with Angels".  It is about a woman who had similar experiences to what I have gone through, and she began one step at a time until she is now able to run marathons.  I have a friend from my childhood who has also made such accomplishments.  I am so proud of them, and they inspire me.  I think I'm ready, and I am going to do my best.
So  this is where I am.  God is important to me.  My family is important to me and I am becoming important to me.  I will struggle to work out tomorrow, and I probably won't want to get out of bed, but life goes on and so must I. I am going to do what I can and just take it a day at a time. I wish anyone else who may be struggling the best of luck and my wishes for your success. 

Pain

Well, it has come to this.  I am currently awaiting the day when I am going to go through the first of two "pain" surgeries.  They will be severing my nerves in my lower back.  One side on Tuesday and the other, two weeks later.  Fun.  I am nervous to say the least, mostly though that it won't work.
I have done the pain clinics, and tried my best, but this is it.  It is my last resort.
I know that other people in the world have been through tons more than me, and I don't want to seem like a complainer.  I just have reached my "personal" limit.
I want my life back.  I want to contribute more to my family.  I want to live life again, and find a new normal.
Sorry.  That sounds like complaining.  Only truly, that is how it feels.
I have lived with all sorts of pain, but I have found that though the emotional pain is harder to deal with, and harder to let go of, I also found that physical pain is much harder to withstand.  I guess that is why physical torture can open mouths faster than therapy.
That is an terrible joke.  I'm sorry, but doesn't that make sense?
I admire those people who go through those horrifying accidents and survive all sorts of tragedies.  I admire our soldiers who give up no only their lives, but their limbs.
I even admire those soldiers who give up a little bit of their sanity and peace of mind.  I myself suffer from P.T.S. D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), and it can take away everything that  makes life worth while.
However, physical pain can also tax you in more ways than you expect, and it can take away worthwhile moments too.  I have had many of mine lost and put on hold.
Anyway.  I am nervous about surgery.  I am nervous about the outcome.  I am even nervous about the needles.  Uhhh.
But I still hold onto hope.  I have too.  I can't allow it keep doing this to me.  I want to live.  It is amazing how you can take those small life moments for granted.  I feel like I wasted so much of my healthy youth.  Wow I can be depressing, sorry.  It's hard not to feel like this when you have been stuck in bed for a while.
I am just grateful for my husband and my kids, who love me and are willing to put up with me. Thank you Tony, and my babies.  You all mean the world to me and I don't know where I would be without you.
Wish me luck.

Puppy Post

This is Vlad. (top)  That is Jasper. (bottom)
They are our two new additions.  They are English Masstiff puppies.  Their personalities are perfect for our family, you just have to get past the drooling.  Otherwise, they are perfect home bodies.  We have had this breed before, and love them dearly.  When we had to put down Gus, who had a horrible case of bloat, we did not think that we would want another so soon, but it turned out we did. Here they are.  Our new loves, even though Gus is never far from our thoughts.

A thought

The greatest gift we can give is a little bit of ourselves.

Just a thought.